Overwhelmed

Last week I made the mistake of making a list of all the things I need to get done between now and August when Cass goes to college. The large majority of them have to be done in less than two months for her prom and/or graduation. I like to kid myself that I've become more type B like, but it's times like these when my manic type A goes into overdrive.

Tomorrow is a BIG day. Cass is off school for spring break for the day, and I'm going to put her to work. We are going to tie up a lot of the loose ends that are dangling right now. I sure hope I can be as successful in reality as I'm thinking in theory. She's going to love having to wake up before 10. I can hear her ranting already.

Today might be the last lazy day I'm allowed in some time. But if I can get things done now, I can enjoy the moments when they get here. It's time to kick my energizer bunny into warp speed.

And speaking of bunnies. Happy Easter!

Traditions

In a family, there are acts that are repeated over and over to the point of them becoming second nature. That usually is coupled with taking them for granted. Through the years, the holidays we celebrate suffer the same consequences. You get to a point where it seems you're just going through the motions.

I don't know if it's old age, the fact that this is the last year of having a child at home, the fact that we've lost both our Mothers, or just what it is. But I am becoming more present in the moments we share together as a family. It's not just the big things I notice, but more the small things.

Jennifer came in today to spend Easter with us. We sat down to dinner together as a family for the first time since Christmas. As usual our conversation jumped all over the place. We talked about tattoos, Cassidi's senior family trip, Jennifer's senior family trip, Jennifer's job, Cassidi's school happenings, college, Jennifer's dog, our animals, the food we were eating, Cassidi's finickiness, etc. It's all stream of consciousness and whoever can keep the best train of thought gets their questions answered. Those that can't, stay confused. Bless his heart, it's usually Tony with the deer in the headlights look. A by product of living in a house full of women.

After dinner, we sat around and continued with more conversation. It's only when Jennifer comes home that we can extract Cassidi from her dungeon. Jen doesn't like it down there because she remembers when it was enclosed and had a door. She was afraid she get locked down there. She's obviously watched too many scary movies.

Having the family together is nourishing. We fight, bicker, and argue. But we also love, appreciate, and encourage. It is a time to reminisce about the past and plan the future. Jennifer remembers home more as Charlotte. But since we've been here nearly 7 years now, she's gotten used to the notion of calling it home. As with most people, it doesn't matter what structure you live in, but the warmth you feel that defines home.

I'm grateful for my little family. We might not always see eye to eye, but we always love each other at the end of the day. These are the traditions that I hope carry on from year to year and from generation to generation. Our parents taught us these practices and we're teaching them to our girls. I'm so appreciative that we came from loving homes and can pass that on to our children.

I hope each of you have someone to love and someone that loves you this Easter weekend. The Fancy Gap McCanns send you our love and prayers of peace.

Grumpy

I need a mood change. Wish I knew where I could buy a permanent one. I know it's all in my perspective. Every time I find a bright side, someone else gives me reason to look at the clouds. I think I give them too much control. Maybe I need to start pursuing life like so many others do these days. Do what I want and not be concerned how it impacts others. So maybe it's not a mood I need to buy, but have my conscious removed.

SCORE

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, thought about it, I meant to, I was gonna. These are words and phrases used in my house FAR too often. They always follow a question of "Why didn't you....". If I had a penny for every time one of these words were spoken in my house, I'd be a bazillionaire. 

After the first few thousand, I lost my patience. I screamed and hollered and ranted and RAVED. It does no good. The same six words and phrases get repeated. Maybe I've been doing it all wrong. Instead of asking the question, I need to start doling out consequences for infractions since I already know the answer.

I actually did that today. Cassidi didn't do something I had asked her to do last night. I got the apology, the I meant to, and the oh well response. I didn't take too kindly to it. It didn't help her cause that we've had more than a few of these conversations lately.

I decided it was time to take a stand. She had to come home instead of getting to go to her friend's house for the long Easter break. I left her a nice long list of things I wanted done (which yes, included the thing she didn't do to begin with). After she was done with that, I asked for a letter.

I wanted an apology, an acknowledgement of guilt, and an identification of specific appreciation she needs to have for me. After she completed all the items on the list, including my letter, she was free to go. I'd LOVE to know how many minutes it took her to complete the list. I guarantee with the count down to freedom at stake, it wasn't long.

Will it work the next time I ask the question? Or will it keep the question from even needing to be asked? I doubt it. But I felt like I scored one for the Moms out there today!! I know I felt better when I read my letter, even if I did get it under duress.

Sue happy

I've written a lot about the disrespectful state of our country and the mindset of "it's all about me" that is so predominant. This morning as I was reading the news headlines, I found yet another example. This one is even more disturbing, because I feel it abuses the efforts this country has made to provide equality for the handicapped.

If you've ever been to the Disney parks, I'm sure you've been on the  "It's a small world" ride. Unless you're a young child, you were more than likely ready to strangle someone by the end as the song played over and over and OVER! Most adults are understandably eager to exit the ride as soon as possible. Unfortunately at Disneyland it broke down recently. Everyone was asked to exit.

There was a handicapped gentleman that had to wait on his wheelchair. The staff went to retrieve it, but did not get to him quickly enough in his opinion. From the time the ride broke down, the staff evaluated the situation, the determination made to evacuate everyone, the evacuation process occurred, and retrieved the wheelchair, 30 minutes transpired. He suffers from an anxiety disorder which was compounded by the fact that he had to urinate. He chose to sue Disney for for their negligence and his mental anguish of having to listen to the song with a full bladder.

Sound absurd to you or reasonable injustice? A jury found it reasonable injustice and awarded him $8000 in damages. I don't know who to be more angry with - the gentleman (a stretch to call him that) suing, the lawyer arguing the case, the judge for not throwing it out, or the jury for awarding him anything more than the price of his admission ticket. These are exactly the kinds of cases that make a victim out of any situation.

And as I said originally, that it is coming from a person that is handicapped is so frustrating. The Disney organization has done a tremendous job in making every accommodation for handicapped individuals. The fact that the ride is even available to the  handicapped is a credit to their commitment to serve all citizens. As a result of this suit, they were also found to be in violation of the standard height of a counter for handicapped people at the first aid station. It has already been fixed.

I realize that there were a lot of court cases that had to go through to require businesses to provide for handicapped citizens. As a business owner, I can attest to the difficulty and expense that it takes to accommodate the handicapped. But these types of cases only give a bad name to a group of people that have had to claw and scratch their way to equality. 

I hope he enjoys his $8000. It surely came at the expense of future patrons of Disney that will have to pay for it through increased prices that are already over inflated. But wait, we can't attribute it just to him. There have been countless others that have sued them and settlements made. At this point, I wouldn't blame any business for closing their doors. But thank goodness the magic kingdom has deep pockets (thanks to us parents that fulfill our children's dreams at any cost) to absorb the blows.

Equality

It's amazing to me that we have to have government intervention to define equality between one human being and another. I know I'm dense, but I really just don't get it. In my mind it is sheer ignorance and arrogance that one person, group of people, or government should preside over equality.

First off, in order to compare two things, there has to be a baseline. So what determines what that is? Who defines what is "normal"? Who says this is right and that is wrong?

Many people point to the bible. We were given 10 principles to follow in living well. But when I look at those, not once does it mention anything about one sex, race, religion, or country being greater than another. No where does it define what constitutes a marital relationship. There is no pecking order established that makes anyone superior to others.

Sure, there are plenty of others pages in the bible providing direction and guidance. There is also this magical concept that God is the judge. He specifically instructs us NOT to judge one another, but to leave it to him. We are instructed to love one another and do no harm.

It is human nature to judge. Within the very book that tells us not to judge, there are numerous parables making judgments. It is those parables we look to in guiding us, as well.

But the thing I always get hung up on when it comes to the bible is this. It was not originally written in English. And the group of folks that translated it are a little suspect to me.

I love learning about the English monarchy. I have read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies on it. That doesn't make me an expert by any means, but I have seen a lot of consistencies in the behaviors of both the monarchs and their advisors. In those days, the advisors were religious figures.

The bible was authorized by King James. He was the son of Mary, Queen of Scots. She was beheaded by Queen Elizabeth I for trying to steal her throne. Elizabeth was the illegitimate daughter of Anne Boleyn and Henry the VIII. Henry had Anne beheaded for adultery and witchcraft. The witchcraft was based on her differing religious views. All that being said, James was very adamant about "righting" the religious ship after it wavered back and forth in the reigns before him.

So a leader influenced by a church that was more than happy to be back in power after years of exclusion doesn't leave me with a lot of confidence that a book that will become the gospel to all future generations was translated without bias. Shew, that was a major run on sentence, I know. But hopefully you get my point.

Goodness knows that many of you reading this will want to string me up for heresy for questioning the bible. But I hope you will set that aside and hear the true meaning of this post. Judging someone for your own personal gain is greed. Greed does harm. There should be no distinction in the way in which we are treated by our fellow humans for any reason when our actions do no harm. Period, end of story, no questions asked.

We don't need a government to tell us how to behave like mature, intelligent, compassionate human beings. We need only look in our hearts.

Jumbled

My brain is darting in all sorts of directions today. I can't stay focused on much. I don't know if it's a symptom of old age, pre-menopause, or over usage. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a brain at all. I seem to forget more these days than I remember.

It could be the weather. It's the end of March and we're getting snow. What's up with that?! I don't like it and am ready for spring. I wish it would get here sooner rather than later. I could use some sun on my face for sure.

I needed to do a lot of things today, but didn't do them. I managed to make a few check marks, but nothing too terribly useful. I started the day with an email from a friend letting me know my account had been hacked. GREAT! And I think it has to do with my new computer. Something to figure out tomorrow.

Maybe I'll wake up on a different side of the bed tomorrow. Maybe not. But hopefully I'll wake up. That's what really matters, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Anniversary

28 years ago, we imparted upon this journey. At 17 and 18, the odds were stacked fairly firmly against us. Still in high school, pregnant, and having no idea where our future was headed, we walked down an aisle and into the unknown.

We were married on a Sunday, because I don't like odd numbered days. We spent our honeymoon in Bluefield WV at the Holiday Inn. We skipped school that Monday to say goodbye to our out of town family. We had to go to the principal's office Tuesday to get a lecture on how to behave in school even though we were married.

We were ridiculed by many of our peers, gosh only knows what our teachers thought, and our parents had to have shaken their heads and wondered. Tony was the oldest of three, and I was the youngest of five. To say I was immature and a spoiled rotten brat is an understatement. Really, we had no clue what we were about to embark upon.

But we made it through graduation, the summer, and heading off to college at Appalachian State. Jennifer came in November and we found our way together as parents. Tony finished college, I finished college, and we headed to life in the big city of Charlotte.

Nine years later Cassidi joined our brood. We got pets, a second house, and traveled far and wide in support of our girl's activities. Jennifer left for college, and I went back to school for a new career. It was time to trade in our treadmill running shoes and head back to the pastures.

We moved to our cabin in the woods and started drinking from the water fountain instead of the fire hydrant again. Well, Cass and I did anyway. Tony still has one foot in the corporate world and the other in the barn door. Hopefully I'll get him home full time, soon. 

Come fall, our nest will be empty for the first time ever. I keep telling him we'll soon figure out if we like each other. We are often asked what is our secret in staying married. We both shrug our shoulders and reply "I don't know."

We've been through our share of separations, near divorces, and near homicides. I'm a screamer and he's a smiler. But lately the tables have turned. They say the longer you stay together, the more like the other you become. I'd say I've mellowed a bit and he finally grew into his red head stereotype (even though he's bald now). Somewhere in there, we balance each other out.

I give him a hard time and constantly keep him on his toes, but I couldn't live without him. We've been together so long, I don't know where I stop and he begins. In many ways we think just alike, and in others, we're on different planets. But we never have to guess where the other stands. There is his corner, my corner, and the middle of the ring. Some of our bouts have resulted in hurt feelings and injured pride. But we always kiss and make up.

The first 28 years were spent on parenthood. The next 28, will be spent on us. Sure there will still be daughters to guide and hopefully grandchildren to spoil, but at the end of the day it will be the two of us. Look out Mr. McCann. I have a feeling this phase of the ride will be even bumpier than the beginning. Happy anniversary, baby. I love you

Meander

We spent the day with no agenda and no stop watch. It was great. We slept in late as if we were teenagers. We wandered the grounds here a bit and marveled at the beauty of this old building.

It's amazing what you can find when you're not looking for anything at all. We found an old school building that was saved from demolition by a woman that fell in love with it years ago. It's now an antique store. Another antique store was a gas station at one time. The building was too far gone to salvage, but they rebuilt in the spirit of the original.

We kept driving and found a dam and Lake Moomaw. All the facilities were closed, but we found a trail to an overlook. Beautiful views.

There are not a whole lot of man made attractions in this area. But those made by God are by far superior anyway. I'm glad we find enjoyment in meandering through God's creations.

The Homestead

Uh, talk about a fish out of water. This place is unbelievable. After the GPS fiasco, we thought I had really gotten us into a pickle. When we drove up to "the tower", I knew we were in trouble.

The GPS gave us a couple of options to get here. The one I chose was 20 minutes faster. I figured it knew what it was talking about. After it wound us through the back roads of this little mining town, I was second guessing it for sure. We laughed and Tony was quick to point out I was the navigator and it wasn't his fault. Little did we know what was ahead.

We kept following the route it directed. At one point a sign said there was no outlet to a street the GPS said to go on. I figured it was just a grid, so we took another road and got back on track. When we found the place the other road was supposed to join in, there was a guard rail. Not sure what year the map on my GPS is based on, but there's been a detour created since!

From there the road narrowed and the lines disappeared. To say we started to get a little nervous is an understatement. I saw a sign that said "GPS navigation not advised". I wasn't too sure what that meant. Then the houses started to disappear. Next we started up a mountain with some kiss your ass turns. If you don't know what that is, then you're not mountain folk. It's where the road basically turns back on itself as you snake your way up the side of a mountain - a switchback. We were in the backwoods of the Virginia - West Virginia border.

I started hearing dueling banjos and the sound of squealing pigs. About this time we saw something in the road up head. Turns out it was a relatively young guy hitchhiking. I turned to Tony with that "you've gotta be kidding me" look. We started laughing and I couldn't stop. It wasn't that late, but I was a little delirious. Maybe it was the altitude.

Needless to say, we didn't pick him up. But the poor guy didn't have on a coat and it was 29 degrees outside. I told Tony we could at least go back, roll down the window, and throw out the blanket I keep in the car. But we decided against that plan. We kept the car pointed up the winding road.

We drove and drove. The GPS went through this phase where it would say we should turn in 90, 80, 70... feet. Then at one point it completely went bezerk and told me we were an hour away after we were within 15 minutes. The laughing started again, but the fear was creeping in. I was grateful scaredy cat Cass wasn't with us. I could hear her grumpy voice fussing in the back seat the whole way.

Finally, we got to a junction in the road. It had a sign for the hotel, so we knew we were on the right trail - literally. The road never turned to dirt, but there was a time or two I was expecting it. If I only had bread crumbs, I would have thrown them out to leave evidence we were there. We were grateful to see lights and civilization again.

We followed the signs and again wound our way through a little town to find the hotel. What we found is amazing. This place is a HUGE resort in the middle of no where. I can't wait to see it during the day light. I highly doubt I'll be finding a store to get food for the room. So much for my rebellious acts of defiance. But we might have to stay in our room. We're slightly under dressed.

We walked in and everyone is in party attire. I'm in my yoga pants and work t-shirt. Tony is in his usual jeans and black t-shirt. I only brought jeans and cowboy boots. Oh, what have I gotten us into?! Hillbilly rednecks in lifestyles of the rich and famous. Always an adventure.

Trash

I'm a nature lover. Always have been, always will be. And nothing sickens me more than driving down a country road and seeing trash strewn alongside it. I just cannot fathom cruising down the road and pitching my trash out the window. Senseless!

The thing that makes me the most crazy is that it is usually the God fearing, country bumpkin, flag waving, patriotic American that rolls their window down.  If you're so USA loving, how can you tarnish it's natural beauty?! I'd love to stop them, pick up their trash, and throw it back into their window.

I've often wanted to buy signs to put up and remind folks the world is not their trash can. But I know with people's ignorance, that would just make things worse. I've also thought about creating a school program and traveling to elementary schools in the area to talk about littering and it's disrespectful and harmful consequences. But like most other displays of disrespect, they learn it at home and nothing they hear one time will change their ways.

I do my best to lead by example. When I see trash laying out in the open, I pick it up and put it in a trash can. Our land is bordered by a main road. Every couple of months we have to go out and clean up other people's trash. It truly saddens me that people are so callous.

There are a lot of things that irritate me about people's behavior. But littering is high on my list. One of these days it's bound to get me in trouble when I confront someone about it. It's only a matter of time. Gosh knows there are plenty of people out there trashing up the world for me to confront. Please don't let that someone be you.

Ready, set, WRITE!

Well, the setting has been created. Desk - check, chair - check, computer - partial check (needs Word loaded on it). I have nearly everything ready to start my writing adventure. Now to carve out the time to begin. I do have a few supplies to get also. Maybe there is a shopping spree in my future (as if all the things I've gotten thus far were free?!).

I'm getting excited to get this journey going. I have a lot of ideas. I need to get some research rolling. So much to do, now to find that dag blasted time. Think Tony will let me retire?!

Absurdity

My neighbor across the street died a year ago last October. That was his physical death. His spiritual death happened much earlier. His was the first prolonged death I had to witness. It left me incredibly aggravated and searching for a better way.

He was 82 with his health failing for the last couple of years. He was losing sensation in his feet causing him to fall. He was also losing his eyesight. He spoke numerous times of just ending the torture and letting go of this life.

He finally had one fall too many. He had to be taken to the hospital and was never able to go home again. He was put in an assisted living facility and had to starve himself for two months to get what was rightfully his - peaceful rest at "home".

I've been volunteering at Hospice pretty much since his death, and have seen his same story repeat over and over. Patients ready to cross over, families ready to let them, but a bureaucracy that refuses to let them until it's "God's time". 

I'd love to know exactly how God is involved. We have people hooked up to machines, to IVs of this, that, and the other, and in facilities who's hands are tied by the government. In our world of western medicine we don't deal with the root of a problem, but the symptoms. And we've gotten pretty damn good at it. We can give people quantity of life by keeping them artificially alive., but not quality. 

Our country is facing a huge dilemma. The baby boomer generation wants to live forever. And they want to do it in a healthy manner. And when they are no longer healthy, they just want to go. They have dictated all sorts of changes in what is accepted to maintain their health. I have a feeling they will dictate those same changes in the crazy policies that stand in the way of allowing them to end their lives with dignity for themselves and their loved ones. I hope they hurry.

People should be able to say when enough is enough. And they should be able to do it peacefully. They should be allowed to tell all of their loved ones goodbye, close their eyes, and go home. They should be spared the agony of having to endure physical pain and the emotional pain of seeing their loved ones mourn their death. And their loved ones should not have to endure the emotional pain of helplessness in ending their pain.

The recent death of my mother-in-law further strengthened my argument for allowing merciful death. I watched grown men break down numerous times in the two and a half days it took her to let to. They were crying from the loss of her, but also from the pain she was enduring by letting go. It was a process that none of us should have had to endure.

Today I read the attached article. It sickens me that these people are being portrayed in the light that they are. For this gentleman to be labeled as a murderer and then to accuse him of suicide is pre ponderous. The journalist responsible for this depiction should be ashamed. It is clear what happened. A loving husband was fulfilling his dying wife's last request. And he did not want to continue without her. Who are we to negatively judge them.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/19/17374616-man-kills-elderly-wife-in-murder-suicide-at-pennsylvania-hospice-da-says?lite

Until you are forced to endure this hell on a personal level, you won't understand my view point. Until it is someone you love dearly laying on death's door, you won't get it. But I urge each and everyone of you to contemplate it. Because very few of us these days die of natural causes quickly. And it could be you stuck in that bed one of these days with no options.

Scammed

A little over a year ago, I purchased a Living Social deal (same kind of thing as Groupon) to The Homestead in Hot Springs VA. It was supposed to be for our anniversary. I didn't read it as closely as I should have. Fine print is such a nuisance.

I thought the deal had a year expiration like all the other deals I had purchased previously. So once our anniversary came and went without us finding the time to go, I tried to find it on my account listing. It had disappeared. I contacted the administrators and they said it had a 3 month expiration. But that The Homestead would honor the original amount I paid up to 2015.

I was bummed we missed the deal, but was glad the money would not go to waste. Now a year later, we decided to use the credit. However when I called today, I was in for a surprise. They would let me use the money, but only as a room upgrade. So, I could spend the regular room price with them, and they'd upgrade me to a suite. Great deal, huh?

NOT! I was furious. It makes zero sense to me how you can give a business money and they can basically steal it from you. So annoying. And once I started looking closer to the fine print, I saw that within the original deal of the three months, they had blocked out all the weekends. So if we had wanted to use it, we would have had to go during the week.

I did go ahead and book the room because the money was going to be lost nonetheless. I let the person I spoke with know that I was coming under duress and would more than likely not enjoy the stay with  such a shady business. Amazingly enough, she knocked off a few dollars from the room cost. But I still got the same upgrade. That let me know they are the crooks I was accusing them of!

I have heard great things about The Homestead. I'm sure it's a lovely facility. It definitely looks that way on their website. But everything in their spa is double the price of what we charge at my spa. And I guarantee it is NOT twice the quality. I will not be wasting another penny outside of the room costs at their facility, you can bet your heiney on that one. If I have to go to a grocery store and bring food in, I will. I will not go to their over priced restaurants and patronize their thievery!

The moral of this story is this. Please read the fine print of any transaction you make. It's small for a reason.  If a business has to have fine print, it lets you know they have something to hide. And please before you throw your hard earned money out the window in going to The Homestead, realize they are more than willing to steal your money!

Intervention

The events in Steubenville Ohio are a depiction of quite a few things that are wrong in our society. A high school football game victory turned into nothing but a nightmare for practically everyone involved. It's a shame that a happy event will now be tarnished forever.

In reading about the story, I have to keep reminding myself that it is a high school situation. That is truly the real tragedy. For anyone to behave in the manner in which these kids did is appalling. That they are so young is what is shocking.

A group of kids gather to celebrate a victory. Alcohol is available. Kids, well under age, are getting intoxicated. Severely intoxicated, to the point of blacking out. Liberties are taken, and lives are changed forever.

The first question I have is where we're the parents of these kids. Why were they allowed to congregate in a home with alcohol available. I'm not so stupid to believe that these things don't happen in my own back yard. But I am smart enough to know how to use the Internet and see what is transpiring. Some parent somewhere had to know what was going on.  Intervention number one failed.

Next, I want to know where this girl's friends were. They had to see she was drinking too much. It's a shame she couldn't be accountable for herself at 16, but why didn't they help her. Why didn't they stop what was going on. Intervention number two failed.

Lastly, I want to know why kids that are in high school get together and do this kind of stuff. I don't pretend to be an angel. I definitely did my fair share of wrong as a teenager. But we weren't destructive. We didn't stand by while someone was being taken advantage of. We didn't think we were above the law  because we were good athletes or made good grades.

I hold the media and our love affair with professional sports accountable for all of that. We have let rapists, murderers, and thieves get by with far worse than what these kids did in our sports world. Then our media goes and trivializes it through shows like CSI and Criminal Minds. We have become so accustomed to seeing this kind of thing happening on TV and in movies, we think it's acceptable.

But the whys of how this happened are unimportant in this particular situation. What's done is done. We can't change that. The judge has now ruled against the boys involved. Their freedom is gone, along with the girl's dignity. The town is in an uproar that their heroes will now be locked up vs scoring touchdowns this fall. It seems they have lost sight of the real tragedy this situation represents.

The boys parents want others held accountable, because surely their sons didn't operate in a vacuum. They console their sons as they realize their bright futures are now bleak. They cry and lament and contemplate "what if". 

But what lessons have been learned. Will students in Steubenville still celebrate wins at drunken parties this fall? Will they still drink themselves into a stupor? Will those around them still take advantage of the situation or stand by letting it happen?

Maybe not in Steubenville. But what about your hometown? What about your child? Will you as a parent reading this do what is necessary to intervene to prevent this from ever happening to your child or to someone else's?

Our country faces these sorts of moral dilemmas every day. It's time we stop standing by and letting abuse happen, of any sort! We need to start behaving morally and ethically again and stop asking what's in it for me.

I'm taking the pledge to stop standing by and watching. Will you?

One Month

One month. A day is understandable, maybe even a week. But a month starts getting into the range of hard to fathom. Time is such a deceiving thing. In one way, it seems like the events surrounding Eleanor's death were so long ago. But then it seems like yesterday when we were all together at Christmas.

The six weeks from the time she was rediagnosed to the time she left us flew by. The 65 hours from the time they told her there was nothing more they could do to the time she let go felt like an eternity. None of it seems to add up.

We have all gone back to work, to school, to life. While time marches on, our hearts still grieve. We have moments of remembering that bring a smile to our faces. We have moments of sadness when we remember that she's gone.  We see evidence that she's watching over us, but continue to wish that she were still here with us, healthy.

Today Jay came down to visit with Tony. I worked today so they got to spend the day Father and son. They didn't do anything special, just hung out without any plans. Reminiscing and making memories. That's the beauty of life. Memories are made in the living.  And it's through those memories made that our legacy continues.

Jay seems to be doing well. He's found a new respect for Eleanor by walking a few miles in her shoes as keeper of the house. He's looking forward to pretty weather so he can get outside. I think he likes garden work much better than house work. He says he's cooking and eating well. His clothes were clean, and I didn't see any bones sticking out, so I'll take him for his word.

The world is a different place without Eleanor McCann. She's been visiting me in my dreams the last three nights. I'm not sure what she's trying to tell me yet, but I'll figure it out eventually. It's always good to see her. My hope is that she's resting and enjoying her guardian angel duties. 

One month. Time may march on, but we will always remember and smile.

Pre-empty nest

Cass has spent most Friday nights somewhere else this year. I remember those days. I was usually at Kelly or Tammy's house my senior year. I can remember a lot of what we did. I sure hope Cass isn't following in those foot steps :)

Tonight, Tony had dinner and flowers waiting for me when I got home. It was a nice change of pace. We joked, bickered, and picked on each other like usual. I keep telling him the time has come to determine if we really like each other.

He's currently snoring on the couch, and I have my nose stuck in this iPad. We have some work to do for sure. It's been nearly 28 years of a work in progress. I'm sure we'll make it at least another 28. It's been a fun experiment so far.

Sidetracked

My favorite player was on the court tonight. I got home late from work and dinner with my "real" man. Rafa is just my tennis man for those of you that might wonder :) Anyway, he surprised me again with another victory. Some will say he beat an injured Federer. I will say, he won returning from an injured knee. It's amazing how the media continues to diminish the staying power Rafa has over Roger. The scoreboard says Rafa 19 matches to Roger's 10 in the course of their rivalry. They are both great tennis players that will go down in history. Leave it at that!

So I took a little siesta from my word assignment tonight. Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow!

Projects

I love thinking up new projects. And the beginning phases are always fun, too. But then comes the put it into action, or worse yet, the maintenance piece of the effort. I struggle when that phase sets in.

Today I caught up on a week's worth of entries in Cass' senior journal. I'm glad we text back and forth a lot. It helps me remember what went on each day when I get behind. It is a lot of effort getting her picture each day and finding interesting things to include in the daily journal piece. But I am so excited for the day when she calls me up after looking at it years from now and says "thank you". It will be all worth it then!

I have quite a few more senior projects left to do for her. The clock is ticking, and I need to get busy. A part of me feels guilty for being so much more involved in her last year than I was with Jennifer. But things were a lot different for all of us 9 years ago. I have to remind myself that I did quite a bit considering I was still in the crazy corporate world.

My daily word project has gone fairly well. I struggled to get back into the swing of things when Tony's Mom died. A part of me thought it would be disrespectful to write too early afterwards. But the biggest part of me was just sad. She was a big supporter of my writing, and I knew she  wouldn't want me to stop. So I'm glad to be back at it.

I haven't done anything yet on the BIG writing project I mentioned earlier. I haven't gotten my new computer yet, and struck out on finding a desk this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing where that adventure takes me.

I'm thinking I need to finish some things before I get too many irons in the fire. I may be a tad too late in deciding that. :)

Stress Relief

Tonight I did a presentation on stress relief to a women's group. I've done discussions like this before for other groups. It's a topic I know a lot about as I cover it so frequently with my massage clients. When I taught yoga, I covered it a lot, too.

I'm a firm believer that stress kills. For some it's physical stress. For others it's mental. Some people roll their eyes and say whatever (my husband is one of them). But if you look at the body and all its systems, it's not hard to understand how operating it at full tilt without doing any preventive maintenance causes problems.

I often equate the body to a car. If you drive a car at 100 mph for days on end and never change the oil or get the engine maintained, the engine will blow sooner rather than later. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Then think about what you put in that car. If you fill it with gas that has water in it, that compounds the problem. And if you operate it in the desert with all the sand and dirt in the air, you have yet another problem.

In our society, we are always on. We don't sleep properly to let our parasympathetic system do the preventive maintenance it's designed to for. We eat food that is full of poison whether it is what they put in our food or the plastic that out gasses into it. And with all of the pollutants in our air, pure oxygen is a rarity for us to breath.

When you break down all of the stressors were exposed to, it's not hard to see why we have so much sickness in our world. It's frustrating to see, but virtually impossible to fix. We demand more and more of people and they depend more and more on convenience. Compromised immune systems are easy prey for pollutants and chemicals.

So the discussion tonight was about tools you have to depend upon to help you cope and manage this stuff because it isn't going away. Exercise, yoga, meditation, massage, reading, sitting by a fire. These are just a few of the tools that can help. It's about using the off button. About being present in this moment. About taking care of yourself because we only get one circle around this globe we call life.

Blah

I'm coming up with nothing tonight. I've had a pretty good day as far as doing much of nothing. But I'm just dry in the creativity department. Maybe tomorrow I can generate some energy.

Belated

They often say it's the thought that counts. This past Valentine's Day, we spent the day grieving. It was the day after we received the news that Tony's Mom would soon reach the end of her journey here with us on Earth.

It was not a day of celebration at all. Tony and I did not even exchange the pleasantry of wishing each other a Happy Valentine's Day. After spending more than 28 with each other, it was not a big deal at all. It was the furthest thing from our mind.

As we try to return to the new normal without her here with us, we realized the day went by unnoticed. There were a few of those days rolled in there. We decided to take this past weekend to try and reverse the time warp we've been in.

We're old enough to realize we can never regain time that has escaped us. But we have also been around long enough to know that it's not about the amount of time we have, but what we do with the time we're given. We tried to make the most of the time we had with Eleanor. And we know she'd want us to get back to living.

So, happy belated Valentine's Day, Tony. Here's to many, many more.

Antiques

Loving history the way I do, loving antiques falls right in line with that. Today we spent the day trying to find a desk for my writing projects. We didn't find one, but we found a lot of other neat stuff.

When you walk into a store, you can tell a lot about the owner. Some places are neat and orderly. Other places are wall to wall junk. And if one person's junk is another's treasure, it's up to you to find it! The ultimate treasure hunt.

Today when I was browsing, I saw things that reminded me of various people in my life. Seeing items that my Mom had in our house as a kid took me back a lot of years. I smiled a lot today remembering.

Things are just that, things. One person places a great value on something another person wouldn't pay a dime for. But I know that the memories I have are the greatest antiques of all. No one will ever be able to take those away from me and u wouldn't sell them for a million dollars!

Quaint

I grew up in small towns. When it came time finish college and pick a place to live, I was determined to move to a city. Charlotte fit the bill. I believed I wouldn't be able to achieve success until I lived in a city. It's amazing how the mind works sometimes.

We lived in Charlotte for 16 years. It only took about 14 for me to figure out the error in my thinking. But I had to get an education for a new career to escape. At that point, I was determined not to finish raising Cassidi in the city.

Thanks to divine intervention, we found our little cabin on the hill. God had his plans in place long before I did. I'm just glad I paid attention and listened.

Tony and I have visited a couple of small towns in Virginia in the last few months. They are incredibly quaint and steeped in history. Both have been in the Shenandoah Valley. Jennifer is in Richmond. Cassidi is soon to be in Fairfax. I have a feeling God is at work again, and believe me, I'm paying attention.

Fumes

I seem to operate on fumes these days. My tank stays empty more often than not. I have to figure out what that is all about. I know I need to get to the gym and get my metabolism working again. If I only could just find the energy to make that happen. On the days I work, my words suffer. Sorry folks. I'm so not interesting tonight.

Competitive

There once was a time where I would have been proud to have someone use that word to describe me. Now it always makes me catch my breath a bit. In the past, I wasn't as good of a sportsman as I should have been. Heck, who am I kidding?! It is still a battle I fight regularly.

I've had perfect child syndrome basically since birth. I've always wanted to do the best that I could. Gosh knows I stumbled more times than I can count. But I'd keep trying until I got better.

I've never liked disappointing people. I've always wanted them to think I was the best at whatever I was doing. On the sports field, I might not have been the best player, but I definitely hustled. And then there was that competitive thing. I hated to lose and if it meant leaving skin on the court to win, I was more than willing - both mine and whomever I was playing.

When I first started my career, I was just as competitive. Actually, I was a lunatic in college when I insisted on making good grades. The best - I was obsessed with it. Even when I went to massage school, I had to make the best grades and do the best massages. I started in that direction with yoga, and the teacher did a great job of diffusing me. I have no idea how he did it, but I'm glad he did. I enjoyed yoga training so much more because of it.

It was a good lesson for me. It made me stop and realize how maniacal I was being. And to think I was pursuing a career in something as serene as massage and yoga. I had to stop, get my head on straight, and regroup.

Like I said, I'm not always successful at controlling my crazy. There have been more than a few basketball games where I was that parent you wanted to punch. And my Words with Friends players could tell you about a few temper tantrums I've thrown when they beat me. I guess that's why I'm still a work in progress.

Cassidi

This is somewhat of a belated post. Her 18th birthday was on the 21st. But with the loss of Tony's Mom, we weren't much in celebration mode. Tony's Mom died on the 16th and my Mom's seventh anniversary of death was on the 19th. She now has lost both of her Grandmothers within a week of her birthday. We are choosing to look on the bright side  and think of it as them celebrating her birthday with her forever now.

On her actual birthday, she had the final game of her basketball career. This year has been a rough one on that front. Her heart just wasn't in it. But she still played and had a few good games. I hope she'll be able to look back with fond memories. I know from experience she'll wish for just one last game, if she could only go back, about 10 years from now. You know what they say about hindsight.

We have done our best to make this senior year memorable. She's decided to play tennis this Spring. I think it's more about avoiding the realities of growing up, but I'm all for it. I love tennis! Her coach thinks she has a lot of potential for someone just starting. To look at Cassidi, you know she's an athlete. She just has the frame for it. We'll see how the season progresses. It's all about fun, which makes it considerably different than basketball. That's the joy of a new sport.

Today we got her grades from the first grading period of this semester. She made all As. I'm so grateful that she kept her foot on the throttle and didn't slack after finding out she is valedictorian. I think all these years of me emphasizing the importance of her grades, she's caught the bug of doing her best no matter what the circumstance. Being number one in her class is one distinction. Being a go getter is yet another. The latter will take her far in life when the accolades of class rank have faded.

While I sing her praises, let me be the first to say she is also human. She has her flaws like all the rest of us. I don't like to harp on them, but I do remind her of them frequently enough to keep her humble. I feel like doing both are my job. I remember my Mom being my biggest cheerleader. Surely she can never second guess who hers is after I turned myself blue and sported a faux hawk to the state semi final game last year. But I also hope she remembers I have her number and when it needs calling, I'll gladly dial it!

In looking back on the 18 years, we've run the gamut of emotions and experiences together. She is definitely a mini me in nearly every way. I hope I've guided her away from some of the pitfalls I fell into on my own journey. But some of those pitfalls were valuable lessons that the stubborn person I am had to learn the hard way. I have a feeling no matter how hard I try to steer her clear of some of them, she'll be following my bumpy path in certain places. But I'll be here to hug her, love her, and set her back on her path to success.

Happy belated birthday word, Cassidi. I love you like crazy and cannot wait to see the paths your journey will take you down. I know you'll make them humorous if nothing else.