Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Chernobyl

Today I was just bebopping through the grocery store minding my own business and shopping away. I had gotten everything on my list but one thing. I don't frequent this particular store and couldn't find the right isle. I had turned around to back track a bit. That was where I made my mistake.

One of Cassidi's best friends' Dad works at this store. I nearly ran over him when I turned around. I stopped to talk about the girls and the dwindling days until they leave. Rachel is who Cass was to room with at George Mason. He commented that he wished they were still going to school together. And that's when it hit me. Like a TON of bricks.

I said whatever I could to excuse myself, because I could feel the hot brim of tears about to explode from my eyes. I have no idea what I said to him. Or if I even said anything. Gosh knows he's probably still standing there holding the boxes he was repositioning wondering what he said to run me off. You know that deer in the head lights look guys get!

Anyway, I started talking to myself as soon as I left him to calm down and just make it through the checkout line. If I could just get to the car, everything would be just fine. I rounded the corner of the aisle and the tears were streaming down my face. I found that evasive last item on my list, wiped my face, and bolted for the shortest lane.

I kept my head down avoiding eye contact. Gosh knows they probably thought I was stealing something. I didn't think about that until just now. My bank now has a sign that you can't wear sunglasses, a hat, or a hoodie while inside. Bizarre list if you're not a bank robber I guess! I'd have given anything to have one of them while I was standing in that line on the verge of meltdown!

All this while I've told myself I'm ready. That I'm going to be okay. That sure I'll be sad, but hey, when does the party begin! I had convinced myself that I've prepared for Cass leaving just fine. But I haven't been preparing to let all the other kids go, too.

This same thing happened at graduation. I was being a big girl and everything about seeing Cassidi through to the end. But then I got to thinking of all of her friends. That's when I lost it then, too.

I realize that her friends are just an extension of her. She doesn't exist without them and they don't exist without her in this growing up process she's done. I am going to miss the sleep overs, the rides home after basketball games, the vacations that they've tagged along to, and being just as proud of them in their endeavors as I have been of her.

So as I prepare in these last three weeks before she leaves, I know my task has grown. I have to be ready to watch all of them fly from their nests. Things will never be the same. That's the beauty of life. We all grow, we all change, we all mature.

Meltdowns occur so new things can be formed from them. But the important piece to remember is that we are all the same inside no matter what shape we take once we melt. I hope that when they all come home to visit, somehow I'll make it on their list of someone to see. And if not, I hope they know I'll carry a piece of them in my heart forever.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Zero

My brain is full of thoughts and words, but none of them are forming into anything worth writing about tonight. After being off work for nearly two weeks, I'm back at it starting tomorrow. It's going to be an exhausting week from the looks of the schedule. I hope I got lots of rest on those days off!!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Stars

I love gazing at them. I have been enamored with them since I was a little girl. I always think of a time with my brother when I look at stars.

I was probably 10 or 11. We had a wood shed in the back yard. He would sneak up there, lay on his back, and look at the sky. One night he let me join him. He's 4 years older than me, and he was my hero. I wanted to grow up and be him. So, to get to hang out with him was great for me.

As we laid there, he would point out stars and clusters of them. If I couldn't find what he was referring to, he tried to show me. He stretch out his arm and measure with his thumb. Of course when I tried to do it, the measurement wasn't the same with my scrawny arm. He got irritated with me and it was time for me to go inside.

That happened a lot when I was little. I talked ALL the time. He and my Dad would roll their eyes when I'd happen upon them doing something and want to join in. They were the two greatest men in my life so I tried to do whatever I could with them. Meanwhile, they didn't want a chatterbox tagalong.

As I got older, I talked a little less. Very little. I still chatter away to anyone that will listen. Now it's usually Tony that has to listen as we're soaking in the hot tub gazing at stars. He has definitely achieved the greatest man category in my life these days. For one, he puts up with my talking. And the other, he likes to star gaze with me. Can't beat a man like that!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Torrential Downpours

This summer has been FULL of rain. We had a few days of dry warmth. But for the most part we have existed in a humid rain forest. On the positive side, it has served to make everything lush and green. On the negative side, my body aches in its old age and our satellite and Internet frequently are MIA.

The sound of rain on a tin roof is very comforting. We've opened the windows to listen to the steady rhythm on more than one occasion. It can be very romantic when we allow it. I guess the disadvantages of forced quiet time might not be so bad after all.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Enjoyment

Enjoyment has come to me in different ways throughout my life. When I was younger, it had more to do with things, places traveled, and accomplishments achieved. Today it has far more to do with the simple things in life.

Today is day two of our vacation. We haven't stepped foot outside of the yard. Tony and Cass did go to town yesterday to run an errand. But we have stayed close to home. I've always said we live in paradise and leaving never makes any sense. 

One of the greatest joys these days is watching Tony rest. He has been sleeping in and waking up rested. He goes so much that any time he slows down, I'm grateful.

Cassidi has come out of her dungeon on a couple of occasions to spend time with us. She and Tony were out on the tractor today. As they drove by once, I saw a glimpse of the little girl she once was. The two of them have spent a great deal of time together over the years. She'll do well to marry a man like him one of these days.

The next few days will not hold the big fancy family vacation we had originally planned for Cassidi's graduation. But it will hold the important things in life - the family I cherish and the slow pace that lets me enjoy them.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dear Mr. President

It pains me to have to call him such. But out of respect of the office, I do. In my opinion, he is not worthy of the title. And his recent actions only further confirm my belief.

And before all my race haters get fired up, let me be the first to tell you it has NOTHING to do with the color of the man's skin. As I've said before, I don't even consider him black. How anyone can look at him and see black is beyond me. More middle Eastern blood runs through his veins than anything.

The color of his skin nor his heritage disqualifies him from holding office. I could rant on about his nationality, but that horse was killed a while back. No sense wasting time now on any of that. One of these days the truth will come out, and we'll all shake our heads in disbelief.

But that day will come long after he has divided the people of this great nation and bankrupt it. To gain office, he drove a wedge between the "haves" and the "have nots". In his first term, he did his level best to implement socialism by increasing the number of people depending upon the government. That move ensured his reelection. There are far fewer of us contributing to the system these days than those of us taking from it. Our national debt is evidence of that.

The race relations in this country have seriously declined in the last five years since he has taken office. He encourages us to not use stereotypes to categorize ourselves or each other. However, he continually interjects himself into situations that have race at the core, baiting the races against each other.

In the beginning, to say Martin could have been his son only served to incite the blacks against the system. Once the verdict came down, he at first encouraged the nation to unite to find a solution to avoid the tragedy from ever happening again. But yesterday he changed his tone. Now Martin could have been him 35 years ago. Now he's been racially profiled, like all black males, his entire life until he became "famous".

As the executive of the judicial system, his job is to support the due process of the law. He is supposed to be the source of balance in this country when we are unstable. His personal feelings, experiences, and desires are not to interfere with his duty of being the leader of this country.

Does racism exist? Yes. But so does discrimination of homosexuals, foreigners, North vs. South, Jews, Muslims, females, uneducated people... The list goes on and on. Everyone of us has probably been discriminated against in one way or another somewhere along the way. We could dwell on our differences to the point of alienating everyone in our lives if we let ourselves.

But the common thread of us being Americans is what should unite us. And we should be able to depend upon the president of the United States to lead us in that endeavor. Was he a civil rights lawyer at one point in his life fighting social injustice? Yes. But that was then. This is now! If he does not feel compelled to do that, then he should step down. We need a leader, not an inciter of civil war.

So, Dear Mr. President. Do your job, or go home, wherever that may be!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Heartbroken

Tonight I received heartbreaking news. Until the family makes it public, I am going to make an unspoken prayer request for them. I will say that there is a family that has already had to endure great pain that got terrible news yet again today. I pray for their peace and understanding. I pray for their aching hearts. I pray for healing. Please join me!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Recooperate

We are at the eve-eve of our family vacation. Because Tony's possible England trip has drug it's feet, we haven't made any plans. It's a bummer because we were hoping to celebrate Cassidi's graduation with a nice trip. At one point it was a trip to Scotland and Ireland. Then we thought about an RV trip out West. And now we're scrambling to come up with something fun around here.

Actually, fun for me would be a week of doing absolutely nothing but laying horizontally! It's been a crazy busy year. I could stand being a vegetable for a week. But I know my family all too well. There will be some sort of adventure (more likely a misadventure) in store. I'll be sure to document them for your entertainment.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Waffle House

We are known for late night food runs in this family. When we lived in Charlotte, it was much easier to accomplish. Once we moved to the side of the mountain, our restaurant selection dwindled. So, late night, stuff your face till you want to puke, pig out fests happen at Waffle House in Mount Airy.

Tonight the run only includes me and Cass. It's usually me and Tony. We have hit Waffle Houses all over the country. He's a BIG fan of them. There are some that know him by name and know exactly what he orders.

My metabolism is definitely beyond eating such bad for me food, as well as so dang late. But oh we'll. You only live once, right?! I'm sure my stomach will hate me in the morning. But it will make for good memories down the road.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Shopping

There aren't too many words that make me cringe at the thought of them. Shopping is one of them! I'd rather take bamboo shoots under the fingernails than suffer the torture of it. Shopping with Cassidi is even more torturesome!!

Today was college dorm shopping. It's only the third such adventure. I sure hope it's the last! I don't think my pocketbook, or more importantly my nerves, can take it. Is amazing what a college kid needs these days.

I've been trying to make the most of the time were spending together. We don't have many days left until she's gone. After the shopping bonanza, we got dinner and a pedicure. We ended this evening watching a movie.

Man in the Moon. Dani reminds me a lot of both Cassidi and me. Tomboy through and through. Because Cass is so much like me, I'll never have far to look when I get to missing her. And if by chance I do get too lonely for her, I can always hop in the car and head to UVA. I'm sure she'll LOVE that. But I'd be willing to bet that if I promise a shopping trip or a pedicure, she won't mind. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Rescue

Well, we had another four legged join our clan today. A Facebook friend found a stray kitten at her house, and with eight animals of her own, decided there was no room at the inn. So, we invited her to join our brood.

Three of our dogs are "ours". Ellie is a stray that we found on the parkway. Bert came as a pair that was also given to us, but Earnie has gone on to cat Heaven we fear. The bunnies came to us by way of another "free" gesture that Tony somehow happened upon. The baby bunny was the only "result" that we kept from that reproductive venture. I know his name, but couldn't tell you the name of the momma and daddy.

That makes eight total. The new cat makes nine. Surely some other critter can make its way to our house so we can hit double digits! I don't like odd numbers anyway.

We've passed rescuing on to Jennifer as she has our grand dog, Raleigh. When he visits, he's right at home. Since he's an inside dog at his house, I usually give in and let him in. He's a big baby, and she's spoiled him rotten. The other critters sure don't like the special treatment he gets.

I don't know how we became such animal people. And really, I think it's gotten a bit out of hand. I know we live in the woods, and so do animals, but enough is enough already!! The bad part is I will be the one responsible for all of them when Cass heads off to college. UGH! I'll be the one needing rescued then!!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Confrontation

I have always been a person that speaks my mind. I engaged in a couple of debates regarding Floridas's "racist justice system today". As to be expected, folks resorted to name calling and non sensical responses. It's much of the same type of response I got in our last presidential election. It makes me understand why the division between citizens of this country runs so deeply.

If we had a justice system that ran on emotion only, there would be very few convictions of criminals. Everyone commits a crime for their own particular reason that they've fully justified in their own mind. Our system serves to evaluate their justification in relation to laws. A judge clearly communicates them to a jury and conditions beyond a reasonable doubt must be proven to convict.

A case is far more than the judge, jury, and defendant. Lawyers play a signicant role in the outcome. It is their job to present the information related to the case and attempt to sway the verdict in their favor. While it seems they have nothing but money at stake, that is far from the truth. Their egos alone are more important than money.

Every verdict that is made in their favor sets a precedent for all similar cases that follow. Don't ever lose sight of that fact. Some lawyers are better than others. They get paid accordingly. It's their job. It's not personal, it's purely business.

I say all of this to make this point. Yes, our justice system has its faults. Yes, it's made up of questionable characters. Yes, it could be better. But until such time, it's all we have. And until we make the sacrifices of ourselves to work tirelessly to change it, we don't have any right to sit back and play arm chair judge, jury, and executioner.

Yeah, so back to what I was saying about being confrontational...

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Racism

In our society today, it seems nearly every act committed against a black person is considered racism. In the Zimmerman case, I find it perplexing because he is Hispanic. I guess now it doesn't matter what race commits the infraction against the black person, it's racism. Except in the case where the other person is black. I guess that's the reason black on black crimes never reach world wide news!

I also find it amazing that if you express an opinion that conflicts with a black person, and you aren't black, you're racist. We only have to look at the presidential race for evidence of that. I didn't vote for Obama. And it was not because he is black. If the truth be known, I don't even consider him black. He looks middle eastern to me and always will. I didn't vote for him because he cannot financially manage this country. In the financial crisis we face, that was the most important issue for me. Period!

The double standards that exist in the black community are also very disturbing. Blacks can call blacks niggas, niggers, and niggazs. They can use the stereotypes of blacks being on welfare, in jail, and gang members. We don't call them racists. But let a white person say any of that, and look out. The race card comes out and all hell breaks loose.

I think it's time we all let go of our individual stories. Slavery was abolished in 1865. You, nor anyone you know alive today, has ever been a slave. No one needs to make amends for your ancestors being enslaved. You control your own destiny. You live in America. You're a mutt like all the rest of us. Embrace it. Make the best of it. Move beyond your own ignorance and that of those around you. Wallowing in self pity only leads to victim syndrome.

Stand on your own two feet and don't depend upon anyone else to take care of you. Remove the chip on your shoulder from whatever put it there. Take accountability and responsibility for you and only you. Quit whining about what you don't have and expecting those that do have to give it to you. If you want something, work for it. If you have children, provide for them.

I don't speak these words to any one race. I speak it to EVERY one. Whatever your story. That was then, this is now. Seize the day. Don't let anyone make you a victim. And if they try, let that be their issue, not yours.

If we could all get back to being Americans, it would be a much better place. We need to let go of whatever categories we've placed ourselves in, or those that others place us in. Be all you can be and be glad in it. Get educated and don't fall back on stupidity when you fall or stumble.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Blessings

I have been blessed beyond compare in my life. Sure, I've had a few valleys, but lately I've come to look at them as the sweetest blessings because they came more difficultly. It's those challenges that give us character.

At forty six, I have this wisdom. I sure wish I had known some of these things way back when. And I wish I could share this wisdom with my girls and have them believe it. But it's all about scraping your own knees, cutting your own teeth, and learning your own lessons.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Surprises

I'm not a very good receiver or giver of surprises. If I have a surprise for someone, it's virtually impossible for me to keep it a secret and wait. And getting a surprise usually catches me off guard, and I cry. Silly I know, but hey, that's me!

Just when I got all sad and sappy that Tony was leaving the country, he came home tonight. He still has not received word that the contract has gone through. At this point, it's just annoying. Being the i dotter and t crosser, I need a plan! This wishy washy crap isn't cutting it.

When these kinds of aggravated feelings churn up, I just have to smile. That means God isn't done with me just yet. I still have some learning and growing yet to do. You'd think he'd get tired of trying to teach me the same lessons over and over. Good thing he's a patient God! According to Tony, I'd try Job's patience!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Goals

My type A personality keeps me focused on goals non stop. I try to live life day by day, but I still find myself setting goals and marching toward them. I think the difference these days is that I'm not so maniacal about having to fulfill them to the nth degree.

My word project has been fairly successful. I have only missed a handful of days excluding the long span when Eleanor died. Some nights I just don't feel like I have anything useful to say. Other times I feel like I could write a book. It must be difficult to be an author.

As my empty nest approaches, my mind is racing with all the activities I want to pursue. I haven't put pencil to paper (or in the electronic world I live in, typing to notepad) as yet on all those ideas. There are still a few unknowns brewing in our household, so I'm holding out for now. But the day will come, and I'll be off to the races in pursuing them.

As with everything, there is a balance. Being goal oriented isn't bad. I have achieved a lot in life by being driven. But goodness knows I've gone overboard on more than one occasion. Chewable chunks versus the whole enchilada. Drinking from the water fountain versus the fire hydrant. These are concepts I speak of often, but am more than slow to honor.

I like to think I'm a work in progress. If I were perfect, that would be very boring! Knowing my weaknesses, admitting to them, and then figuring out how to work on them is what makes life interesting!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Female

I consider myself a strong female, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I've had a few knock downs in my life, but nothing that ever kept me down for long. I'm a firm believer of the saying "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger".

Tonight I read an article about the sex mobs that are being used in Egypt to silence women protesters.  Political parties are sending men to areas specifically to alienate a woman from her group of friends. They are even paying bystanders to join in on the rape. It is disgusting.

It makes me appreciate the freedoms we are afforded in this nation. So many people whine about their rights being infringed upon and the various things being done to them causing them to be victims. I highly doubt many of them are experiencing the brutality that those in Egypt are facing right now.

The next time I go to complain about something, I am going to remind myself of these despicable practices in other countries. I am going to cherish my freedom of speech without persecution. I am going to cherish my freedom to pursuit of happiness. I am going to remember all those that came before me that truly were victims that suffered dire consequences so I could have these freedoms.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Roller coasters

The highs and lows of life come at varying speeds. Today my emotions have run the gamut. I keep reminding myself that this is the second child we've sent to college. We survived the first, and we will survive the second.

The grounds of UVA are beautiful. The weather also was a roller coaster today. We started out with beautiful sunshine to end with a torrential downpour. But it gave us many viewpoints of the life Cass will lead here.

I picked up bits and pieces of information along the way. The speakers today were all very educated, but incredibly personable. UVA is the Ivy League of the South, and we worried it might be a little too "stiff" for Cass. But from what I saw today, I think she will be just fine. I hope she feels the same.

The first person that spoke to her told her she liked her accent. It is something she will have to get used to hearing as there are students here from all over the globe. An accent won't hold her back, but a bad attitude about it will! She likes to entertain, so she needs to milk it for all the laughs she can get. And then she can laugh all the way to the bank when they misjudge her as stupid and she eats their breakfast, lunch, and dinner academically!

I got a little grumpy today with disrespectful and rude parents. It truly amazes me that anyone thinks it is acceptable to have a full on conversation in an auditorium when someone is speaking. I wanted to shout "Hey moron, this isn't about YOU! Please go outside if you don't have the decency to sit quietly and show respect for the person in front of you that is educated and sharing valuable information about the well being of your child." I did glare, but didn't speak. Had I had Tony in tow, the outcome might have been different.

Tomorrow is another day of information and networking. I requested a FaceTime chat tonight, but she still hasn't called. I don't know if she's in overload mode or enjoying herself. I hope it's the latter. Nonetheless, I'm tired and ready to be home. This roller coaster ride hopefully is in park for the night so I can get some much needed rest.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Orientation

We're at Cass' orientation to UVA.  Last summer we visited the campus and took a tour. Tonight we drove around to find out where we need to be tomorrow. At first it seemed a little confusing, but after a few complete circles, we got the hang of it.

We passed by the hospital where Eleanor spent so much time for four years, including her final days. I feeling of great sadness came over me. But I know she is in a better place and is resting peacefully. I know she would be so excited to hear about Cass' adventures here at UVA. She'll be watching over her and protecting her in her journeys.

It hasn't hit me yet that she'll be leaving in about 6 weeks. Right now it's just a big adventure. Maybe tomorrow will make it a little more real. But then again, if I focus on the fun and excitement, maybe I won't be so sad. It's just another phase of life I need to embrace and enjoy.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Miller

On the way home the night of July 4th we were driving up Riverside Drive in Mount Airy. Right off the side of the road, we saw an animal. I thought it looked like a baby deer. We went back and sure enough, I was right.

He was the tiniest thing. It looked like he must have just come out of a driveway to a recycling center. Tony got out of the car and he came right to him. He picked him up and tried to take him back down that road. He followed Tony right back out. He made a noise that sounded very similar to a cow mewing. It was pitiful.

Knowing he would go right back out in the road, we decided to take him home for the night. We got some baby formula to feed him and had a large dog kennel to keep him safe. Cassidi decided his name should be Miller. She got up every three hours to feed him.

The next morning we decided it was best to take him back to look for his Momma. We left him there all day. On my way home from work, I stopped to see if he was still there. Unfortunately, he was. As soon as I got close while calling his name and he saw me, he came bounding out.

Figuring our human scent had detered his Momma, we had no choice but to take him back home. We figured that the fireworks had scared his Momma off to begin with. But who really knows what happened. All we knew is that we couldn't just abandon him.

We got goats milk for him and tried to do all the things web sites instructed us to do. He seemed to do okay, but then I noticed some places on his legs. The further we looked, it appeared he had numerous open wounds. He slowly became less interested in eating and became weaker and weaker. It was heart breaking.

Today we finally called the vet see if they could help. They said they would take him and put him in the hands of a wildlife rehabilitator. They were going to treat his wounds and give him some fluids.  He can't be more than a few days old. We can only hope they'll nurse him back to health. We hope we did the right things to help him. The last hope is that he can one day return to the wild and live a long life.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Nests

It looks like my nest is going to be a little more empty than I expected. While Cass is leaving for college this fall and we fully expected that, it looks like Tony will be headed to Europe after all. It will be very interesting to see how all of this is going to pan out. I'm definitely a hermit, but this much alone time might be more than I bargained for.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Hope

Hope is a wonderful word. It encompasses so many things to each individual. For me it is the dawning of a new day. It is the dreams of tomorrow. It is a tiny word of only four letters and one syllable. But all of its wonder could not fit into the largest of containers. There is no greater phrase than I hope...