Silence

This extra empty house has been very quiet. I'm really grateful that the US Open tennis tournament started up. I've kept myself busy with watching it and work this week. Having been off last week, it made for a full schedule this one.

Tony found out he has to stay an additional three weeks in England. I guess we're putting the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" to the test. I've been extremely busy the last three weeks, so I'm sure the next three will drag by since it's just me here.

I have discovered the silver lining in being an empty nester. When I clean the house, it stays that way. And if I find something out of place, I know I'm the one that did it. And if I don't make my bed in the morning, I don't have to feel guilty for setting a bad example. It truly is liberating to be responsible for just me!

I signed up to teach two yoga classes a week starting this coming week. I've already started adjusting my schedule at work to accommodate client schedules. I've made dinner plans next week with another empty nester Mom. I'm making good on my plans to enjoy my "me" time.

It's still been difficult to coordinate my time on work days to get to talk to Tony. The tools we use continue to be difficult at times. But other than the stint in San Francisco, we've gotten to talk every day. So early evening is my only set commitment other than work.

Cass has fared well in her first week of college. She changed her class schedule, which proved a little stressful, but she managed it. She already made a zero on a Chemistry quiz because she didn't have the electronic gadget required to take it. Irritating that technology is used against you at this stage of the game. But she's since gotten the gadget and should be set to let her brain speak for her.

Work has gone well for her. She fully impressed her boss by parking the trailer on a dime with a monster truck. I guess all those days of working outside here with her Dad are going to pay off. She hasn't said anything about how the actual job of making burritos is going. Her being responsible for other people's food is a little concerning, but I guess she's doing alright.

In changing her class, she made the mistake of sending the new book she had to buy here to the house. That means I get to make another trip to Charlottesville this weekend. And of course she's decided I need to bring her a large box of other stuff. Every day that goes by, she adds to the list. I'll have a full car yet again to take to her before it's over.

I'm going to see Jen in Richmond afterward. I'm not sure what we'll get into, but I'm sure the city will hold some adventure for us. I'll get to see my granddog and pet his head. She has him spoiled rotten. But he's a sweet boy.

Life is good, and I'm enjoying very moment. If this first week of "me"ness is any indication of the way it's going to go, I'm game. It's been amazing, silence and all!

Nesting

You know that sensation you have to clean and tidy everything up at the end of your pregnancy? They call it nesting. Well, who knew that it happens when you're about to take your last child off to college, too?! The loads of trash I've generated today has been liberating.

It actually started a while back in our garage. I'm a terrible pack rat and knew I better take advantage of Cass' last little bit at home to get rid of some junk. She's a pack rat too unfortunately and didn't contribute much to the throw away pile. But we made some headway and that's better than nothing.

Today after I got all of her stuff to go to college organized, labeled, and documented (shew, my type A was back in spades today!!), I started cleaning out the cabinets. I was having a hay day. The stuff I found crammed back in the  corners of those shelves was disgusting. Some of the expiration dates went back to 2010. ICK!!!

After they were all tidied up, I went in for the kill - the refrigerator. There were some nasty science projects growing in there. But no more!! The space my refrigerator has now is wonderous. Every time I open the door to look in (I've been doing this about every hour just to admire it), I'm nearly blinded by the bright light and glare off the clean shelves. It's been so packed full I had forgotten it had a real light.

I did all of this before Cass had time to get her lunch today. She came up to look for something to eat. She wasn't pleased at all that I had thrown out all of her junk food. I think I heard the word "hussy" a time or two as she searched every cabinet and the refrigerator. I directed her to the appropriate box (after consulting my handy dandy moving organizer) to find the food I'm sending with her. At first I told her I had already taped it shut, but fortunately it was in a plastic tub. I got a glare or two over the whole escapade.

I've fortunately made it through the day devoid a major meltdown. I guess I'll just wait until the goodbye hug tomorrow for that nonsense. We're starting out extremely early in the morning. Sleep deprivation should add just the right amount of insanity to the day. But it will make sleep tomorrow night all that more appreciated. The good news is, I'll be returning to clean cabinets and refrigerator shelves!!

Reality

I have spent the week thus far avoiding reality. I've spent the last three years preparing for it. But it doesn't matter how much you prepare or deny the inevitable, reality happens.

I planned a last minute trip for Cassidi and I to go to San Francisco this last week she was home. I knew if I sat at home with her all week, I'd just cry. My plan worked amazingly well until the ride home today.

We stopped in at the spa on our drive in. It struck me that it would be her last time there for a while.  I got to thinking about all the time we spent there renovating it. She pretty much hates going to the spa because she always has to work. I actually treated her to a facial and a massage Friday before we left. Hopefully she'll have better memories of it now.

As soon as I started thinking about "lasts" it was over! The tears started flowing, and I couldn't stop them. Of course she busted me after a bit. Instead of empathy, she gives me laughter. It's going to be a long couple of days with my weepy self!

But I'll cry, sob, and have a runny nose. I'll probably go through a box of Kleenex or two. But I'll do the same thing I always do. I'll pick my pouty self off the floor and get back at it. That empty nest to-do list awaits me.

Reality isn't a bad thing. It's exactly what you make it. The reality is that the next two days will be wrought with emotion. Good stuff, sad stuff, anxious stuff, proud stuff, nervous stuff. They'll run the gamut. Memories and pictures are my best friends. I'm going to do my best to make this transition as best I can for both of us. Is not like she's falling off the face of the Earth or anything!!

I've cried so many tears for the various kids I know leaving. I have clients that have grown up before my eyes, Cass' friends that are like daughters, and now Cass. I'm so proud of all of them. I have very high expectations for each. I know they'll do me proud.

So, while I'm singing about a tear in my beer (or more appropriately for me - ice water with lemon), don't be sad for me. It's all part of life. I'm a big girl and will survive. I've never been afraid to cry and let my emotions out. Just pray that I don't wreck the car on the way home due to blurry, tear soaked eyes. I sure hope a police officer doesn't stop me, because he'll be sure to think my red eyes are alcohol induced. But if he does, surely a sob session on his shoulder will get me out of a ticket!!

Now let me go soak in my hot tub where no one will laugh at me for adding salt to the fresh water!

Six Months

Today is the six month anniversary of Eleanor's passing. One day it feels like it has been forever. The next,  it seems like it was just yesterday. And even still, it seems impossible that she's gone. Our minds play tricks on us when we're least prepared.

A couple of weeks ago we were sorting through old boxes up at the garage. Tony has a phone with an answering machine plugged into it up there. I didn't think it ever picked up any calls as our house phone has an answering service on it. I was fiddling with it, and all of a sudden Eleanor was talking!

I was so excited! Tony was upstairs, and I yelled for him to come and listen. We had found so many things as we were sorting that reminded us of her - old cards, pictures, and gifts from her. I even found a check she had sent me for my birthday back in 2004. I'm sure I gave her a gray hair or two in not cashing that thing. She used to fuss at us regularly for messing up her check book.

But hearing her voice was the icing on the cake. I couldn't help but believe it was her way of letting us know she's still here with us. It definitely warmed my heart.

I spoke with Jay last night. I mentioned that today made six months. His voice caught a moment but then he said he had to go on. I assured him it's exactly what she'd expect us to be doing. I have a feeling it is a mantra that he repeats frequently to remind himself.

The sons have all found their peace in her absence. Tony is working in England with a contract, Jeff stays busy with his work and family, and Andy has had a busy year with his business and family.

The grandchildren have made their way as well. Jennifer is busy with work in Richmond, Kayla is expecting a baby boy in a matter of weeks to carry on to the next generation, Cassidi heads to UVA in a week, and Derek, Blake, Hannah, and Maddie head back to school. 

Life does go on and that is not a bad thing. To cry, laugh, be sorrowful, or joyful is normal. It means we're living, which in turn means we are healing. The important thing to keep in mind is that we remember. We all keep a piece of her in our hearts. She'll never be gone to any of us.

I hope this post finds each of you doing the same living that we are - one day at a time. We still feel your prayers and could never thank you enough for them. 

Mischief Managed

Well, sorta. While watching Rafa trounce Raonic, I discovered a pile of poop with creamish splashes at the foot of our grandfather clock. The Internet told me it could only be a lizard, bat, or a snake that would leave such droppings. We don't grow lizards that big around here, and I thought it was too big for a bat. That left a snake!

Anyone that knows me very well knows that I HATE snakes. The only good snake is a dead snake. We've had a few around the house outside (that I chase down and kill), but none inside other than a tiny baby in the fireplace rocks once. Cassidi was home alone for that one. She doesn't like them either.

I had quite the dilemma in contemplating what I was supposed to do. I could not leave the house and miss Rafa's match. So, I climbed up on the arm of the couch to finish watching him. If it was on the ground, it wasn't getting my feet. I felt like such a big girl not having a panic attack.

Tony was still online, so I sent him a message with a picture of what it looked like. He wasn't sure what it could be. But after looking further, I also saw some on top of the clock. I could not imagine how a snake could get up there. I kept assuring myself all would be well.

The match finally ended with yet another W for Rafa, and I was happy. But then I remembered why I was perched on the couch. I called our sweet neighbor to come save the day. He came over and said he felt sure it was a bat.

We cleaned up the mess and I breathed a few sighs of relief. I can live with a bat in the house. Gosh knows I have a few bats in the attack!! They find their way in the house now and then. They usually find their way out just as easily. However, if it had been a snake, I would have moved until someone found it.

If this is the worst of the predicaments I find myself in while Tony is gone, GREAT! I'm not holding my breath though as this family tests Murphy's Law on a regular basis. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the quiet house and the trial run of the empty nest!

Whirlwind

It seems like time is in hyper warp mode again. It was a week ago that Cass got her wisdom teeth out.  In one way, it seems like it was a month ago, and in another, just yesterday. I can't keep track of time anymore. We just have way too much going on.

The more I cram into a day, the faster time seems to fly. Check in here, do that, check out there, do the next thing. Tomorrow I hope to live the day without a schedule. It will be the only day this week that isn't planned per se. Yesterday was kinda like that, but I have to kidnap Tony to get any time with him.

Since I work Thursday and Tony leaves Friday, tomorrow is the last real day with him. It's amazing how in 28 and a half years we haven't gotten thoroughly sick of each other. Well, we have our days. But for the most part, we still enjoy each others company. It will be strange to have him gone for more than the three or four days that Charlotte usually holds. On top of that, we'll have a five hour time difference to contend with. I don't look forward to it!!

But this too shall pass. I just have to keep the faith. I know God doesn't provide any more challenge than he can carry me through. I'll just have to keep myself busy and the whirlwind will keep that clock humming. He'll be home before I can blink.

Slow Roads

Sometimes the best roads not taken are the fast ones. Tony is a big fan of slow roads. He likes to do a lot of u-turns, too. Today we made a giant circle that included some slow and some fast roads, but all taken at a very slow pace.

With him leaving for an unknown quantity of time, he decided to stay home this week. We took the day to hang out together. We didn't have any particular agenda in mind when we headed out today other than to just spend time together.

We headed to Floyd via the Parkway and then over to Christiansburg. We weren't in any hurry. We dropped my car off at the tire place to get a few things tuned up. We saw 2 Guns and were pleasantly surprised that it was good. Movies these days aren't what they used to be.

We wandered around the mall a bit until my car was done. It was nice just to walk around and get some exercise. It was a gorgeous day that felt a lot like fall. These are the slow moments I'm going to have to remember to get me through the lonely spells when he's gone.

The Last Supper

With Tony leaving for a England in a few days, we went out for a family dinner tonight. Cassidi has plans for the Fiddler's Convention all week, so it was more than likely the last family supper we will have together until Thanksgiving or Christmas. My how things change, and oh so quickly.

It seems like it was just yesterday I was telling Tony I was pregnant with Cass. He wasn't a very willing participant in the whole process. Having gotten started so early with Jennifer, he wasn't ready to go down the child path again. He was more than a little upset when I told him.

And as usual, he not only warmed up to the idea of a second daughter, but he couldn't be more thrilled. She has been his shadow for quite some time. They have worked on cars, hunted, and tinkered together for years. Her being such a tomboy pleased him to no end.

I tease them both about her idolization of him, but I'm grateful that she loves and respects him the way she does. It's the way I grew up, and I'm happy we have stuck through this marriage to provide the same environment I had. Gosh knows we've had our moments.

The world around us seems to be changing more quickly than I can keep up with. Out little family unit is spreading out across the globe. They say home is where the heart is, but I disagree. Each of them carry a piece of my heart with them. So, it would be more accurate to say my heart is where their home is. It looks like my heart is going to be quite mobile for a few years to come. I guess I better get used to it.

Welcome Back

So excited to have made it through this marathon week. Taking a week off for vacation doesn't pay in the massage business. I'm glad my clients miss me, but shew, I need a massage to recover!! I'm so grateful for a day of rest tomorrow. And that's exactly what I'll be doing. Sure wish Rafa was playing somewhere to entertain me. Night all!!

Couch Potato

I have no idea how Cass is going to go to college. She has become attached to her bed, Netflix, and the tv this summer. I told her recently that I was going to change the password when she went to school. She got VERY upset.

We haven't gotten a tv for her dorm room. She never watches regular tv anyway. She just got her new laptop and it hasn't been out of her lap since. I'm thinking it will become her tv, too.

Whenever I want to spend any time with her, I'm forced to endure non stop episodes of CSI. I come down to the dungeon and become a couch potato myself. Before she leaves, she is going to have to teach me how to use this dang DVR. I guess whenever I have a Cassidi cry session, I can come down here and watch an episode or two.

INFURIATED

I know I've ranted about our stupid legislative system before, but I have to rant again. This idiot in Ohio has my gears CRANKED!!! And the fact our system allowed this moron to basically slip through the cracks makes me want to punch someone.

So, he pleaded guilty on all counts against him to avoid the death penalty (what moron can we shoot that offered up a plea deal in the first place). I know the victims wanted to avoid a trial, but this man is a MONSTER. He deserves the death penalty for what he did, not only for himself, but to discourage anyone else thinking it's okay to do what he did.

True to his character, he flew the bird at the court system, the victims, and the world watching at his sentencing when he had the gall to stand there and blame the victims for his actions. He should not have been given an opportunity to speak. And when he started in with his rubbish, he should have been stopped. I guess he (and the court) didn't think he had traumatized his victims enough in 11 years.

As I was begging to be the one that could put a bullet between his eyes, my analytical side kicked in. I started the research on how much it will take Ohio to incarcerate him. He got life plus 1000 years. He's 53 now. Let's just say he lives to 70. It costs $164 a day in Ohio to house an inmate. In 13 years, tax payers will spend $1,023,000 on this animal.

Someone please tell me how that's a good investment?!  Spending a dollar on him is too much in my opinion! How about we give him a bullet between the eyes and give his victims that money instead to rebuild their lives. Again, I'll donate the bullet, the gun, and my driving time to Ohio, no problem.

I'm not even apologizing to those of you that I may offend with this one. I am PISSED OFF!! Our legal system has to make improvements. We are spending far too much money on criminals like this idiot. There is a LONG line of offenders like him and worse that we are wasting hard earned money on. Shoot them and throw them in the desert to let the bird peck their bones clean. Pretty daggone simple.