When I get to the end of the year, I always try and reflect, as do many of you. This year has had its mountains and valleys as has every other year of my life. I really try to take the good and the bad and learn from it all. My test is always "will I remember this event in a year, 5 years, 10 years". If it doesn't pass the test, then it's not worth spending cycles of energy on.
It's amazing just how much happens in our lives without us even being aware. All it takes is sitting down for a few minutes and trying to remember the details. If you look at each day in a vacuum, it doesn't seem like much. But accumulate them in a 365 day span, and shew at the memories! I'm realizing that I need to do a better job of reviewing in a more manageable chunk of time. That's what a journal is all about! I think that's what my New Year resolution needs to be this year. Have at least 12 journal entries this year documenting the lessons learned from each month. That sounds manageable!
I don't really like resolutions. For me, it only provides another measuring stick of which to beat myself up with when I don't fulfill them. But hey, isn't that what learning is all about?! Stand up, fall down, learn, and stand up again. It's amazing how in 43 years, I can still forget that the cycle is there for a reason!
The high level "good" from this year is as follows:
* Jennifer moved back East and we get to see her frequently.
* Cassidi traveled this year and expanded her horizons.
* Tony has become even more thoughtful and aware than he was previously through the sickness of his Mom.
* I have become a little more laid back and type B in my continuing journey of self awareness.
Life is good and continues to go on, and that's GREAT!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Well, I was just looking at my posts and the dates of each. I haven't gotten much accomplished as far as my writing project for the summer. And summer is officially gone! Cassidi started school on Monday. Tomorrow will make a complete week of back to school. Amazing!! I have no idea where the summer went. But it sure happened.
I've started two stories, but haven't gotten back to either. Maybe one of these days I'll really get serious and dedicated to this effort. I have this terrible habit of wanting to tell one story, and getting sidetracked in others. My brain rambles on like this ALL the time it seems, not just in my writing. Jennifer sometimes refuses to have a conversation with me because I bounce around topics so much. But much to her dismay, I think she's gotten the bug a bit herself.
In the past few days I've had a feeling of great sadness. There are a lot of people sick or injured in my life and sometimes it just gets overwhelming to deal with emotionally. Just the other day Cass made the comment that life just didn't seam to make much sense. We go to school for a LONG time which is a fairly un-fun task, only to get a job that usually is an even more un-fun task. She struggled to see the point of it all. I tried to give her some pros related to it all. I don't know if I was very convincing.
But I do think in all of it, the real nugget to hold on to is the relationships. If we truly allow ourselves to feel and to give, we can build some quite fulfilling bonds. Of course, opening your heart creates vulnerability. But giving unconditionally makes the receiving that much more powerful. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I hit these lows.
I also try to encourage Cass to compliment others more. It's a lesson I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as well. I don't know why we value the giving of compliments so much. It doesn't cost us a single penny. But we are so selfish with them. I always turn the tables on her when we discuss this topic. I ask her to remember how special it makes her feel when someone compliments her. And what impact there was to the person giving the compliment. It usually makes her stop and think. I hope she takes those lessons with her in life and finally gets to the point where she can give unconditionally in the compliment department.
Just like the summer, this day is gone. I need to get some rest for a long day of work tomorrow. But for some reason, my mind is wandering and unsettled. Hopefully a good night's rest will cure that.
I've started two stories, but haven't gotten back to either. Maybe one of these days I'll really get serious and dedicated to this effort. I have this terrible habit of wanting to tell one story, and getting sidetracked in others. My brain rambles on like this ALL the time it seems, not just in my writing. Jennifer sometimes refuses to have a conversation with me because I bounce around topics so much. But much to her dismay, I think she's gotten the bug a bit herself.
In the past few days I've had a feeling of great sadness. There are a lot of people sick or injured in my life and sometimes it just gets overwhelming to deal with emotionally. Just the other day Cass made the comment that life just didn't seam to make much sense. We go to school for a LONG time which is a fairly un-fun task, only to get a job that usually is an even more un-fun task. She struggled to see the point of it all. I tried to give her some pros related to it all. I don't know if I was very convincing.
But I do think in all of it, the real nugget to hold on to is the relationships. If we truly allow ourselves to feel and to give, we can build some quite fulfilling bonds. Of course, opening your heart creates vulnerability. But giving unconditionally makes the receiving that much more powerful. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I hit these lows.
I also try to encourage Cass to compliment others more. It's a lesson I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as well. I don't know why we value the giving of compliments so much. It doesn't cost us a single penny. But we are so selfish with them. I always turn the tables on her when we discuss this topic. I ask her to remember how special it makes her feel when someone compliments her. And what impact there was to the person giving the compliment. It usually makes her stop and think. I hope she takes those lessons with her in life and finally gets to the point where she can give unconditionally in the compliment department.
Just like the summer, this day is gone. I need to get some rest for a long day of work tomorrow. But for some reason, my mind is wandering and unsettled. Hopefully a good night's rest will cure that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Strange summer
Strange doesn't even begin to cover it for this summer. Some of the strangeness has been welcomed, but some hasn't so much. But I guess when I look at the sum of it all, it's been a blessing in total.
Cassidi has been GONE the entire summer it seems. She got out of school on May 29th and has been on a trip or at a sports camp all but 5 or 6 days. This has meant I can sleep in, stay in lazy clothes the entire day, and not have to cook on the days I'm not working. It should have meant that I was productive with all my free time and came up with some wondrous idea of how to save the planet or something like that. Instead I've been a slug. Oh well. Maybe it's just been my body's way of recovering from the crazy school year. She comes home Sunday from a beach trip with a friend's family. We have a basketball and softball camp left before school starts back August 10th. One smart thing I did was do school shopping already. So, we won't have any last minute trips to a city to shop (probably my least favorite thing to do in the world!!).
The weather has been completely bizarre. The winter was a very cold and snowy one for a change. I enjoyed that. But then the spring and early summer were all about rain. I did NOT enjoy that. I'm a sun lover and when it's gloomy outside, I'm gloomy, too. Usually in the middle of July, it's sweltering hot and humid. Right now I'm laying with an afghan over me contemplating if I should turn on some heat. I know I live in the mountains, but this is kinda ridiculous. The crazy weather has me wondering just what in the world is going on with our planet. I'm afraid our planet is doomed in more ways than one. But I keep trying to be cheerful and find the smiles in each day willing it forward one day at a time.
The really sad part of this spring/summer has been all the illness around us. So many people are fighting cancer. It seems like every week we hear of yet someone else we know that is diagnosed. And if it's not cancer, it's something else life threatening. I even had a massage client die. He was very young (51) and developed pancreatitis. I had only worked on him twice, but the day he died, he was scheduled for an appointment. I had found out the day before that he was in the hospital, so I wasn't expecting him. But I was shocked to find he had passed away. When I worked in the crazy corporate world, the amount of stress I experienced and saw in others was awful. And now that I'm a massage therapist, I see much the same in the clients that grace my table. I'm glad I can help in a small way to alleviate some of that stress, but I know it's not enough. We have to find a way to stop all this disease. Sooner rather than later!!
Jennifer has decided that she's had enough of the wild west and wants to return to the East Coast. She just got a job in the north east corner of Virginia. She'll start September 21st. She'll be coming home for a short stay before officially settling in. We don't have all the details, but it's great news that she'll be closer to home. A 6 or 7 hour road trip to reach her is far better than a 30+ hour trip!
I watched some silly tv tonight and laughed. It felt so good! It made me really think about my laughter quotient. I really do not laugh enough in life. I need to start making more time to laugh!! Not just giggle or laugh for a minute. But really gut giggling laughter. Laugh till you cry laughter. Laugh until your sides hurt laughter. I'd say laugh until you pee your pants laughter, but that's way too messy. But hopefully you get the gist. I want to really let my body laugh. Happiness is a great medicine for the mind, body, and spirit. Now to find a source for all this laughter. That will most likely be a challenge. But AFV plays every day and YouTube seems to be a good source as well. I'm just going to have to get creative in finding humor.
With the crazy petting zoo of animals that we have at our house, I shouldn't have to look far. The dogs are always getting into things they shouldn't be. The new kitty has an abundance of energy and is driving everyone (human and animal) CRAZY! And watching the wild life out the window or off the porch is often entertaining. The squirrel playing on the bird feeder would make a great video for AFV. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I think to find sources. I think I just need to open my eyes more and allow myself to see the world around me. Gosh knows my husband and girls provide enough entertainment for 10 families. I just need to focus on the positives and wake up to them more, too.
So, here's to laughter - the best medicine in the world!!
Cassidi has been GONE the entire summer it seems. She got out of school on May 29th and has been on a trip or at a sports camp all but 5 or 6 days. This has meant I can sleep in, stay in lazy clothes the entire day, and not have to cook on the days I'm not working. It should have meant that I was productive with all my free time and came up with some wondrous idea of how to save the planet or something like that. Instead I've been a slug. Oh well. Maybe it's just been my body's way of recovering from the crazy school year. She comes home Sunday from a beach trip with a friend's family. We have a basketball and softball camp left before school starts back August 10th. One smart thing I did was do school shopping already. So, we won't have any last minute trips to a city to shop (probably my least favorite thing to do in the world!!).
The weather has been completely bizarre. The winter was a very cold and snowy one for a change. I enjoyed that. But then the spring and early summer were all about rain. I did NOT enjoy that. I'm a sun lover and when it's gloomy outside, I'm gloomy, too. Usually in the middle of July, it's sweltering hot and humid. Right now I'm laying with an afghan over me contemplating if I should turn on some heat. I know I live in the mountains, but this is kinda ridiculous. The crazy weather has me wondering just what in the world is going on with our planet. I'm afraid our planet is doomed in more ways than one. But I keep trying to be cheerful and find the smiles in each day willing it forward one day at a time.
The really sad part of this spring/summer has been all the illness around us. So many people are fighting cancer. It seems like every week we hear of yet someone else we know that is diagnosed. And if it's not cancer, it's something else life threatening. I even had a massage client die. He was very young (51) and developed pancreatitis. I had only worked on him twice, but the day he died, he was scheduled for an appointment. I had found out the day before that he was in the hospital, so I wasn't expecting him. But I was shocked to find he had passed away. When I worked in the crazy corporate world, the amount of stress I experienced and saw in others was awful. And now that I'm a massage therapist, I see much the same in the clients that grace my table. I'm glad I can help in a small way to alleviate some of that stress, but I know it's not enough. We have to find a way to stop all this disease. Sooner rather than later!!
Jennifer has decided that she's had enough of the wild west and wants to return to the East Coast. She just got a job in the north east corner of Virginia. She'll start September 21st. She'll be coming home for a short stay before officially settling in. We don't have all the details, but it's great news that she'll be closer to home. A 6 or 7 hour road trip to reach her is far better than a 30+ hour trip!
I watched some silly tv tonight and laughed. It felt so good! It made me really think about my laughter quotient. I really do not laugh enough in life. I need to start making more time to laugh!! Not just giggle or laugh for a minute. But really gut giggling laughter. Laugh till you cry laughter. Laugh until your sides hurt laughter. I'd say laugh until you pee your pants laughter, but that's way too messy. But hopefully you get the gist. I want to really let my body laugh. Happiness is a great medicine for the mind, body, and spirit. Now to find a source for all this laughter. That will most likely be a challenge. But AFV plays every day and YouTube seems to be a good source as well. I'm just going to have to get creative in finding humor.
With the crazy petting zoo of animals that we have at our house, I shouldn't have to look far. The dogs are always getting into things they shouldn't be. The new kitty has an abundance of energy and is driving everyone (human and animal) CRAZY! And watching the wild life out the window or off the porch is often entertaining. The squirrel playing on the bird feeder would make a great video for AFV. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I think to find sources. I think I just need to open my eyes more and allow myself to see the world around me. Gosh knows my husband and girls provide enough entertainment for 10 families. I just need to focus on the positives and wake up to them more, too.
So, here's to laughter - the best medicine in the world!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Shew...
I've been a terrible blogger of late. I don't know, I think I got myself in a stalemate thinking of the 3 posts I did make and contemplating which to pursue. Meanwhile, that meant I wasn't writing. And DUH! That was the whole point of this blog. To practice writing. So, as usual, mind took over matter and thus no blogs.
So, tonight, I'm just going to ramble. Just get some thoughts out of my head that need to be put onto paper (or in blogging lingo - cyberville).
Anyway, I'm getting REALLY pissed off at cancer. It seems at ever corner, there's yet another person in my life facing this deadly disease. A good friend from high school was really the first bout. We lost the father of a good friend from high school next. Tony has a good friend from work fighting it. And then it struck far too close to home - Tony's Mom. And from there, it just seems to continually pepper our friend base far and near. I found out last night a dear friend, our next door neighbor in Charlotte, has colon cancer. Fortunately they did surgery today and it appears to be contained. But we'll just have to see how that progresses.
All this disease is epidemic. We really need to figure out what's causing all of this and fix it. I have some theories and at times, feel like a "conspiracy theory" freak!! But my belief is that all the out gassing from plastics is the culprit. For those of you unfamiliar with out gassing, it's the release of toxins (chemicals that make plastic) when it is heated or cooled. Out gassing, combined with the amount of stress in today's crazy society of "I want more and work like a mad person to get it", the hormones they're putting in meat, and the pesticides they're using on fruit and vegetables is leading to CANCER. Our immune systems are weakened by the stress and all these pollutants are praying upon our bodies and activating the cancer that lives within each of us. I really do feel the FDA knows there are issues with all the plastic coming into contact with our food and water supplies. But they are doing NOTHING about it!! And worse yet, they continue to approve the use of plastic containers for food.
So, here's my soap box. Out gassing occurs when you heat plastic as well as when you freeze it. Having said that, think of all the uses of plastic for both heating and cooling things. The plumbing today is all plastic (hot/cold water we drink and bath in). The air ducts in our homes and cars are all plastic (heat/air conditioning). Nearly everything from a food perspective comes in plastic. But the worst are those that tell you to leave it in the packaging to microwave it!! And bottled water. UGH! Don't ever drink a bottle of water left in your car that gets heated from the sun!! It's practically poison!! Then think of all the plastic containers we use. We cook food and while it's still warm, we put it in a plastic container - only to follow that by putting it in the fridge or freezer!! Double whammy!!! Then we heat it up again in the dishwasher or sink while cleaning it. Those toxins go down our drain, into the soil, and pollutes our water supply. Plastic is EVERYWHERE!! Nearly impossible for us to remove from our lives.
Sounds like a defeatist, huh?! Not at all! My proposal is to do what you can to limit it's use as much as possible. Get rid of all the plastic in your kitchen. I know, I know. It's convenient, it costs less, it's easier to store, etc., etc., etc. But tell me that when you or a loved one are faced with this gosh awful disease and are paying dearly with your/their life!! I don't mean to be harsh here, but that's how we need to start looking at this! Plastic is the enemy. And I know there are different grades of it and some that are supposed to be "good". But my take is that any plastic is a source of out gassing. Next, limit plastic wrap and baggies as much as possible. The best thing is to only cook what you're going to eat. But we always have leftovers no matter what it seems. So, put it in a glass container with aluminum foil on top. Also, get a metal or glass container for your drinking water to go in the car. Get creative!! Review your life and see where all plastic intercedes it. Then see if you can't create some kind of alternative to remove it.
So, sorry again if I sound cold and heartless. No, not all cancer is caused by what I've blabbered on about here. There are various causes of cancer and many times nothing we can do will prevent it from developing in our bodies. For all of you cancer survivors out there reading this, or for those of you that have lost someone to cancer, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having to face this awful disease. None of what I'm saying here is meant to attack you or your habits. I just want to try to get folks thinking so they can minimize the risks.
Well, that's enough rambling for tonight. My prayers are filled every night with all those struggling against this monster. I pray for those ill, but also all the family and friends that are having to experience it with them. I also pray that we'll figure this monster out and find a way to defeat it once and for all.
So, tonight, I'm just going to ramble. Just get some thoughts out of my head that need to be put onto paper (or in blogging lingo - cyberville).
Anyway, I'm getting REALLY pissed off at cancer. It seems at ever corner, there's yet another person in my life facing this deadly disease. A good friend from high school was really the first bout. We lost the father of a good friend from high school next. Tony has a good friend from work fighting it. And then it struck far too close to home - Tony's Mom. And from there, it just seems to continually pepper our friend base far and near. I found out last night a dear friend, our next door neighbor in Charlotte, has colon cancer. Fortunately they did surgery today and it appears to be contained. But we'll just have to see how that progresses.
All this disease is epidemic. We really need to figure out what's causing all of this and fix it. I have some theories and at times, feel like a "conspiracy theory" freak!! But my belief is that all the out gassing from plastics is the culprit. For those of you unfamiliar with out gassing, it's the release of toxins (chemicals that make plastic) when it is heated or cooled. Out gassing, combined with the amount of stress in today's crazy society of "I want more and work like a mad person to get it", the hormones they're putting in meat, and the pesticides they're using on fruit and vegetables is leading to CANCER. Our immune systems are weakened by the stress and all these pollutants are praying upon our bodies and activating the cancer that lives within each of us. I really do feel the FDA knows there are issues with all the plastic coming into contact with our food and water supplies. But they are doing NOTHING about it!! And worse yet, they continue to approve the use of plastic containers for food.
So, here's my soap box. Out gassing occurs when you heat plastic as well as when you freeze it. Having said that, think of all the uses of plastic for both heating and cooling things. The plumbing today is all plastic (hot/cold water we drink and bath in). The air ducts in our homes and cars are all plastic (heat/air conditioning). Nearly everything from a food perspective comes in plastic. But the worst are those that tell you to leave it in the packaging to microwave it!! And bottled water. UGH! Don't ever drink a bottle of water left in your car that gets heated from the sun!! It's practically poison!! Then think of all the plastic containers we use. We cook food and while it's still warm, we put it in a plastic container - only to follow that by putting it in the fridge or freezer!! Double whammy!!! Then we heat it up again in the dishwasher or sink while cleaning it. Those toxins go down our drain, into the soil, and pollutes our water supply. Plastic is EVERYWHERE!! Nearly impossible for us to remove from our lives.
Sounds like a defeatist, huh?! Not at all! My proposal is to do what you can to limit it's use as much as possible. Get rid of all the plastic in your kitchen. I know, I know. It's convenient, it costs less, it's easier to store, etc., etc., etc. But tell me that when you or a loved one are faced with this gosh awful disease and are paying dearly with your/their life!! I don't mean to be harsh here, but that's how we need to start looking at this! Plastic is the enemy. And I know there are different grades of it and some that are supposed to be "good". But my take is that any plastic is a source of out gassing. Next, limit plastic wrap and baggies as much as possible. The best thing is to only cook what you're going to eat. But we always have leftovers no matter what it seems. So, put it in a glass container with aluminum foil on top. Also, get a metal or glass container for your drinking water to go in the car. Get creative!! Review your life and see where all plastic intercedes it. Then see if you can't create some kind of alternative to remove it.
So, sorry again if I sound cold and heartless. No, not all cancer is caused by what I've blabbered on about here. There are various causes of cancer and many times nothing we can do will prevent it from developing in our bodies. For all of you cancer survivors out there reading this, or for those of you that have lost someone to cancer, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having to face this awful disease. None of what I'm saying here is meant to attack you or your habits. I just want to try to get folks thinking so they can minimize the risks.
Well, that's enough rambling for tonight. My prayers are filled every night with all those struggling against this monster. I pray for those ill, but also all the family and friends that are having to experience it with them. I also pray that we'll figure this monster out and find a way to defeat it once and for all.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Finding Sunnier Skies
She lay in bed staring up at the ceiling watching the flashing neon sign from the corner store cast a shadow across the length of her studio apartment room. How many sleepless nights had she done this? Far too many to count. And just like the last time she allowed herself to traverse this mental obstacle course, she came to the same conclusion. The number didn’t matter. The point was that it was long past the time she should be fast asleep dreaming of the prince charming that would sweep her off her feet and ride her off into the sunset.
She despised these tortuous nights. Mostly because they inevitably led to a tortuous day to follow. She told herself the last time this happened, she was going to do something about it. But the something got lost in the panic that ensued the next day at work when her laptop’s hard drive crashed and erased all the process documents she had created that were in final edits. Fortunately, her company does nightly back ups and the documents were recovered. But not without wasting an entire day talking to every technology geek in the data archiving department to figure out just how to recover them.
That seemed to be how her life went these days. Heck, who was she kidding? Since birth she seemed to have her own personal black cloud that would erupt in a thunder storm at the drop of a hat. She inherited it from her Dad. He often joked that “life would be far too boring is you didn’t have a black could day now and again”. From her various misadventure experiences, she was more than willing to “return to sender” her black cloud and test his theory – if only she could manage the packaging of it.
But back to the point. She was not going to let her wandering mind lead her astray again tonight. She had learned a trick in yoga class to help with just this kind of problem. Close your eyes, deep breath in, even deeper breath out. She could do. She willed herself to. Just like the instructor cooed, “Count to 4 on the inhale; count to 8 on the exhale. Sink into your mat. Let your mind, body, and soul relax – rest. Give yourself permission to unravel. Breathe. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…”
The next thing she heard was the alarm clock blaring. Wow! It had been a long time since she’d heard that noise. She usually woke no less than 5 minutes before its daily trumpeting, probably due to how much she disliked the treacherous sound it made. She must have slapped the clock with reasonably good aim, because it was silenced on the first whack. Not bad for an out of practice alarm clock junkie. She threw back the worn quilt her grandmother had left her and slowly rolled out of bed. Waking up had to be the hardest part of the day hands down. She shuffled her way to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. With as slowly as she was moving today, she’d definitely need a jolt of java to get her going. It was time to get her butt in gear and face the day.
There were many things she loved about her apartment. The tall ceilings, the wide open layout, the wood floors, the huge windows. It had a coziness to it despite having once been the backroom sweat shop for a dry cleaning business. She furnished it with big, bulky antique furniture to fill the space. She loved its proximity to all the necessities in life, including her work which was just 5 short blocks away.
Some days that was a blessing, while others it was a curse. She allowed herself to be sucked into the vortex of climbing the corporate ladder too easily. Because she was not married, did not have any children, lived close by, and by all accounts, didn’t have a life, she was always the logical choice when an emergency arose. All of this diligence gave the impression that she was career minded. Managers loved that she volunteered to work holidays, weekends, and pretty much around the clock when a schedule dictated it.
Meanwhile, she loved the feeling of being needed. She hadn’t really given any consideration to advancing in the company. It just happened. She had been given promotion after promotion over the years. A month earlier, she had been promoted to Division Manager of the Process Reengineering Department and given 5 teams of associates to manage totally 100 headcount. While that sounds staggering, it came with a 20% raise and an additional week of vacation. It all sounded very rewarding and glamorous, but one short month already had her in a funk and questioning just what her purpose was here on this planet.
Annie Woodriff, 29 years old, division manager, apartment dweller, unmarried, and reasonably lonely. She wasn’t unattractive by any means. She had dated her fair share of men. Unfortunately, none of which fulfilled her definition of “the one”. However, she couldn’t pin down exactly what that definition would be if her life depended upon it. And it wasn’t just men that were missing from her life. She hadn’t had a “best friend” since college. Working like a maniac wasn’t very conducive to having a love or social life.
She had her parents, little sister, and little brother (well if you can call 25 and 21 little). But they all had their own lives and encouraged her to pursue hers to the fullest. Her Mom had given her the advice to delay marriage, children, and settling down in general until she was 30. “Go out and explore the world, yourself, life. Don’t leave room for any regrets,” her Mom had chided. With just a few short months of reaching that milestone, it looked like she’d fulfill her Mom’s request without any problems. However, thinking back to the end of high school when her Mom had started saying these things, she never imagined she’d have listened! For one, her Mom was “way stupid” back then and for another, she loved kids and wanted to be a young Mom like her own.
But the first year of college passed in a flash. The next thing she knew, she was graduating college and starting her job. Then one year of work turned into five. She’d lost count of just how many years she had been working now. The days all ran together and many times when she went to write the year, she really had to stop and contemplate just what year it was. Again, these were things her Mom had warned her of. And again, those were the discussions she ignored.
So, with her Mom being right on so many counts, maybe there was some validity to this 30 year old plan. Would 31 be too old? Was all the magic in 30? If she missed it, would she ever get another chance? UGH! Too many questions, not enough answers.
She despised these tortuous nights. Mostly because they inevitably led to a tortuous day to follow. She told herself the last time this happened, she was going to do something about it. But the something got lost in the panic that ensued the next day at work when her laptop’s hard drive crashed and erased all the process documents she had created that were in final edits. Fortunately, her company does nightly back ups and the documents were recovered. But not without wasting an entire day talking to every technology geek in the data archiving department to figure out just how to recover them.
That seemed to be how her life went these days. Heck, who was she kidding? Since birth she seemed to have her own personal black cloud that would erupt in a thunder storm at the drop of a hat. She inherited it from her Dad. He often joked that “life would be far too boring is you didn’t have a black could day now and again”. From her various misadventure experiences, she was more than willing to “return to sender” her black cloud and test his theory – if only she could manage the packaging of it.
But back to the point. She was not going to let her wandering mind lead her astray again tonight. She had learned a trick in yoga class to help with just this kind of problem. Close your eyes, deep breath in, even deeper breath out. She could do. She willed herself to. Just like the instructor cooed, “Count to 4 on the inhale; count to 8 on the exhale. Sink into your mat. Let your mind, body, and soul relax – rest. Give yourself permission to unravel. Breathe. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…”
The next thing she heard was the alarm clock blaring. Wow! It had been a long time since she’d heard that noise. She usually woke no less than 5 minutes before its daily trumpeting, probably due to how much she disliked the treacherous sound it made. She must have slapped the clock with reasonably good aim, because it was silenced on the first whack. Not bad for an out of practice alarm clock junkie. She threw back the worn quilt her grandmother had left her and slowly rolled out of bed. Waking up had to be the hardest part of the day hands down. She shuffled her way to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. With as slowly as she was moving today, she’d definitely need a jolt of java to get her going. It was time to get her butt in gear and face the day.
There were many things she loved about her apartment. The tall ceilings, the wide open layout, the wood floors, the huge windows. It had a coziness to it despite having once been the backroom sweat shop for a dry cleaning business. She furnished it with big, bulky antique furniture to fill the space. She loved its proximity to all the necessities in life, including her work which was just 5 short blocks away.
Some days that was a blessing, while others it was a curse. She allowed herself to be sucked into the vortex of climbing the corporate ladder too easily. Because she was not married, did not have any children, lived close by, and by all accounts, didn’t have a life, she was always the logical choice when an emergency arose. All of this diligence gave the impression that she was career minded. Managers loved that she volunteered to work holidays, weekends, and pretty much around the clock when a schedule dictated it.
Meanwhile, she loved the feeling of being needed. She hadn’t really given any consideration to advancing in the company. It just happened. She had been given promotion after promotion over the years. A month earlier, she had been promoted to Division Manager of the Process Reengineering Department and given 5 teams of associates to manage totally 100 headcount. While that sounds staggering, it came with a 20% raise and an additional week of vacation. It all sounded very rewarding and glamorous, but one short month already had her in a funk and questioning just what her purpose was here on this planet.
Annie Woodriff, 29 years old, division manager, apartment dweller, unmarried, and reasonably lonely. She wasn’t unattractive by any means. She had dated her fair share of men. Unfortunately, none of which fulfilled her definition of “the one”. However, she couldn’t pin down exactly what that definition would be if her life depended upon it. And it wasn’t just men that were missing from her life. She hadn’t had a “best friend” since college. Working like a maniac wasn’t very conducive to having a love or social life.
She had her parents, little sister, and little brother (well if you can call 25 and 21 little). But they all had their own lives and encouraged her to pursue hers to the fullest. Her Mom had given her the advice to delay marriage, children, and settling down in general until she was 30. “Go out and explore the world, yourself, life. Don’t leave room for any regrets,” her Mom had chided. With just a few short months of reaching that milestone, it looked like she’d fulfill her Mom’s request without any problems. However, thinking back to the end of high school when her Mom had started saying these things, she never imagined she’d have listened! For one, her Mom was “way stupid” back then and for another, she loved kids and wanted to be a young Mom like her own.
But the first year of college passed in a flash. The next thing she knew, she was graduating college and starting her job. Then one year of work turned into five. She’d lost count of just how many years she had been working now. The days all ran together and many times when she went to write the year, she really had to stop and contemplate just what year it was. Again, these were things her Mom had warned her of. And again, those were the discussions she ignored.
So, with her Mom being right on so many counts, maybe there was some validity to this 30 year old plan. Would 31 be too old? Was all the magic in 30? If she missed it, would she ever get another chance? UGH! Too many questions, not enough answers.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Comedy of Errors
That title doesn’t EVEN begin to describe Jennifer’s first trip home from Utah in her “new” used car. She had planned to make the trip around Mother’s Day 2009. However, too many other people had requested the week off ahead of her, so she was delayed a couple of weeks. To help justify driving nearly 2000 miles across country, in addition to taking off a week of work, she enrolled in an advanced CPR training course that is required for her job to be conducted here in Raleigh. Nothing like adding a time clock to her trip, forcing her to be in Raleigh NC by Friday 8:00 a.m. ET after leaving Duchesne UT Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m. MT. Allowing 60 hours for traveling what should normally take 30 hours usually works just fine. And actually, by most accounts, it would be considered good planning. Not so for the offspring of Tony McCann!
She had tried to find someone in Utah to return East with her to enjoy the riding and driving responsibilities. However, due to one constraint or the other, it didn’t work out. So, she and faithful companion, Raleigh (her rescued part boxer, part black lab dog - appropriately named after the city of her alma mater, NC State) piled into her XTerra and headed East after work on Tuesday evening. I spoke with her before leaving and begged her to spend the night at base and head out Wednesday morning. She was having NONE of that. She was on cloud nine after having a great week at work. She’s ‘developing’ to become a senior level field assistant. The team she was with last week was extremely supportive and encouraging. They had gotten up at 5:00 a.m. to hike to the top of the highest slope with her group Tuesday to see the sunrise. It was gorgeous. That and the great week was just the adrenaline boost she needed to fuel her long journey home. Or so she thought.
As is usually the case, I used my partner in crime – Google – to assist me with keeping an up to the minute (well, maybe every couple of hours) track on her progress across our nation. The thought did run through my head that if I had just installed that GPS chip in her as I had threatened to do after the helicopter incident (see “Jennifer’s BIG College Senior Spring Break Adventure” for more details!), this task would be so much easier. But alas, my implantation idea was dismissed. Besides, it’s more fun calling every hour for an update, changing the ‘from’ field on googlemaps.com, and giving the update on estimated arrival time. After the adrenaline started to wear off, she didn’t look so forward to my chipper T-x hours countdown. I nonetheless was thrilled to ask ‘what mile marker are you on now?’, and zoom in to tell her exactly what I was seeing via cyber space vs. her real time experience. I LOVE the internet!!
As the time ticked off the clock and the miles accumulated, I again started begging her to stop somewhere and rest. Before the trip, I had given her all the motherly warnings of “don’t sleep at rest stops after dark, don’t sleep in gas stations, don’t sleep on the side of the road, don’t, don’t”. Of course I was given the “Ok, Mother!” retort. But when I could hear the wind being sucked out of her sails the further she drove, I didn’t really care where she slept. I just wanted her to sleep. Around 10:30 (eastern time) Wednesday night, I tried to call her yet again. There was no answer. My heart skipped a beat, but I was being the eternal optimist and tried not to think of what that could mean. I proceeded to get into the hot tub and told Cassidi if she called, to try and get her to rest. When I came in, Cass said she had indeed called. It turns out she had tried to stop and sleep, but just couldn’t settle down long enough to rest. She decided to hop back in the saddle (thank goodness she wasn’t really riding a horse for this trek!), and give it another go.
At this point, she had been awake for nearly 40 hours and had been driving over 24 hours straight. She was beyond exhaustion, but the thought that she could be home and in bed sleeping in a few short hours was driving her to DRIVE! She should have recognized the warning signs of an all out deflation, but decided the road of total denial was much more appealing when the reward was so attractive. Little did she know that while her energy was waning, her car’s was as well. What’s that old saying about hindsight being 20-20?!
I tried to call her again before going to bed around 11:00. Again, no answer. I threw in the towel, put on my “sleep” aromatherapy lotion, turned on my rainforest spa sounds, and attempted to go to sleep myself. Around 11:30 the phone rang, and I had that swimming sensation of flaying out of the warm cocoon of sleep. It was Jennifer. She wanted to know “Is Dad home yet”? UGH!! That is NEVER a good sign. At this point, I didn’t think he was home. He had stayed in Charlotte for the evening to work on the little house he bought (see “Tony’s BIG Crack House Adventure” for more details). She was telling me that her car was making a funny noise, and she wasn’t sure what it was. Again, another sentence a Mother NEVER wants to hear as her daughter is trekking cross country! As I got up to look in the house for him, he was actually walking through the front door. Just as I reached him to hand him the phone, she said “Ok, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you right back”. Double UGH!! I updated Tony on her call, and we waited. He had stayed up late the night before and was more than ready to hit the sack. I kept telling him he needed to get up and get ready to go rescue her wherever she was. He refused to listen and snuggled up like a bug in a rug.
When Jennifer finally called back around 12:00, I just handed the phone to him to answer. On the other end, all I could hear were heavy sobs with an understandable word or two in between. My heart sank. She was definitely in some sort of car trouble and needed help. I immediately hopped out of bed to get the pc cranked up so googlemaps could tell us how to find her. I was at the ready and waiting for the answer to my continued question of “Where is she?” Meanwhile, Tony’s response to her was a little more annoying.
I have to say in his defense, that even after 24 years, he’s not use to us women! As soon as any of us shed a tear, he’s a puddle! And now that Jennifer was on the phone in a sleep deprived full on meltdown, his “pet her until she’s all better” instinct kicked in. Me, on the other hand? As soon as I knew she wasn’t injured or in danger, I was ready to strangle her for not having stopped to rest (yeah, see how that type A kicks back in at times of distress?!). It’s not hard to guess why they always go to him first when something bad happens! Anyway, I told him to give me the phone, as after 5 minutes of coddling, she was having none of his “find a happy place” parenting.
When I got her on the phone, she was rambling on about her bad luck and why does this have to happen to me and such. At this point, she was completely delirious from hours of hypnotic driving without any sleep. You have to know Jennifer to understand how she operates. She is all about denial – denial about any bad feelings she may have, denial about impending conflict, denial about WHATEVER that generates any feelings of conflict! So, I did my usual “mean Mom” impersonation and got her calmed down (thank goodness someone in this family is conflict oriented!).
It turns out she was in the parking lot of a Ramada Inn just outside of Lexington KY. When the car had started making a funny noise, she decided to check the oil. In her job, she’s learned how to do some preventive maintenance steps for cars. (Tony’s VERY proud of her as he’s a wannabe mechanic). It looked like the oil was low, so she added some. She drove the car in circles around the Ramada Inn parking lot to see if the noise had fixed itself or not. It didn’t. And in addition, the water temperature was rising. Again, she got out to check things under the hood. At some point, she leaned down and her cell phone fell out of her jacket pocket – unbeknownst to her. She got back in the car, drove in circles some more to no avail. At this point, she decided to call us to provide a report. Hand went to pocket to retrieve phone; hand came up empty! Panic started to set in when she couldn’t locate it in the car either. She decided to check outside the car and found it smashed on the ground. When it fell out, she had run over it. As she was telling me about running over her phone, I asked who’s phone she was calling me from. It was hers. Only the screen was smashed, but she could still call in and out. Shew, that disaster averted.
So, now what?! I started searching on the web to find the specific Ramada Inn in Lexington to get directions for Tony. After I had gotten her calmed down, he talked to her and decided it wasn’t worth the risk of driving the car any further. He got out of bed, dressed, and went to load his car hauler trailer (see “Tony’s trailer for every occasion” for more details). Meanwhile, I got directions for him and instructed Jennifer to finally lie down and get the rest she needed for many hours.
Lexington is a little over 5 hours from us. Tony left just before 1:00 a.m. I reapplied my aromatherapy, turned on the rainforest spa sounds, and tried to block out the “what if” thoughts bouncing through my head. There was no need for me to lose sleep worrying as there wasn’t a thing I could do. Cassidi had school the next day, so at 6:15 the alarm was blaring. As soon as I turned it off and got Cass going, I called Tony’s cell. Jennifer answered (that’s a good sign!). She said he was in the process of loading her car on the hauler. When I asked if she got much rest, she said “Not really.” I guess this misadventure had her fully frustrated, in addition to Raleigh being restless.
Once Tony got there he had her review her warranty to determine next steps as far as getting the car looked at. His goal was to get her as close to home as possible to have someone find the problem. She bought the car from Carmax and from the way it looked in the warranty, she had to take it to a Carmax for service. Again, google came to the rescue. I searched to find the closest Carmax. The closest one was an hour west, which was backtracking for them. There was one in Winston Tony was focusing on, but I reminded him, “it is now Thursday morning and she has to be in Raleigh Friday morning.” Based on now having them together, I was very worried what catastrophe might ensue (they each have their own personal black could – combined, they can be deadly!). I didn’t want to chance having them try to get to Winston late in the afternoon, have some major problem with the car, and it not be ready in time for her to get to Raleigh. While I was anticipating the worst, my meager little mind could not fathom what was about to happen next.
On my way to work after dropping Cassidi off at school, I decided to call and get an update. I expected them to be on their way to breakfast or on the road home. Tony’s reply to my “how’s it going” was again not what I was hoping to hear. Not a mile down the road from having loaded Jen’s car, one of the tires on the hauler blew. They had to unload Jennifer’s car and then look for a place that was open at that early hour that would have a trailer tire. He found one, but they didn’t have the tools required to mount it on the wheel. At the place he found that could mount it, he found a cheaper tire (see “Tony’s Scotch- Irish blood” for more details). Needless to say, he had to wheel and deal (no pun intended,) even in this time of schedule crunch. Once he finally got the tire situation resolved, he went to put it on. In the process, he wrung off one of the wheel studs as it was old and rusty. Again, they had to load up and go look for that piece. All in all, it took just over 2 hours to fix the tire situation.
While all of this was going on, I was checking in with Jennifer periodically. She had found out that she did not have to take her car to a Carmax. She could take it to any local Nissan dealer. They found one and made an appointment. But as she was doing this research, she discovered another speed bump in the road. When she pulled her car off the hauler after the blown tire, Tony had told her to lock the doors. She did so obediently. However, there was one slight problem. In her zombie like state, she inadvertently locked the keys in the car! ACK!! But being the good Girl Scout she is (not really) in preparing for the trip she joined AAA. All she had to do was call them to come unlock the doors. Only problem, her car was on the side of the road and they were at stores getting the tire fixed. She couldn’t call until they got back to the car. They had about an hour wait, after they tried every avenue they could think of to unlock the doors themselves.
Finally, tire fixed, doors unlocked, car reloaded on the trailer, and 3 hours down, they were off to the dealership. Unfortunately, they had over a 2 hour wait. Once they got the car in, they diagnosed the problem fairly readily. All the belts were dry rotted and useless. Also, the radiator hose had a hole. $318 later, she drove her car behind Tony for a while to ensure all was well. They loaded her up when he was convinced the problem was fixed. Jennifer and Raleigh snoozed, while Tony pointed the car southeast and set sail for home.
At 10:30 Thursday night, Jennifer drove to the top of the driveway. Tony had unloaded her car out at the highway so they’d have level ground. He pulled in not long after her. It was great having both of them home safe and sound. Tony was asleep long before his head even hit the pillow. Jennifer on the other hand was renewed from her short stint of sleep. She needed to prepare herself for the training class in Raleigh the next day. At around 12 I convinced her that 4:00 a.m. was going to come very early after her two day traveling adventure. She finally conceded and went to sleep, with a black cloudless night overhead.
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Epilogue:
Jennifer made it to her training class unscathed. She came home the next Friday for a week’s visit at home. We took vacation and made day trips around the area. It was a blast having her here. She left Saturday morning to head for Utah. We insisted that she spend the night half way there in Kansas City MO. She got home Sunday evening around 10:00 p.m. her time. We’re extremely grateful she didn’t have any incidents on the way back. And we are just as grateful that the incidents she had on her trip home are something we can now look back on and laugh.
She had tried to find someone in Utah to return East with her to enjoy the riding and driving responsibilities. However, due to one constraint or the other, it didn’t work out. So, she and faithful companion, Raleigh (her rescued part boxer, part black lab dog - appropriately named after the city of her alma mater, NC State) piled into her XTerra and headed East after work on Tuesday evening. I spoke with her before leaving and begged her to spend the night at base and head out Wednesday morning. She was having NONE of that. She was on cloud nine after having a great week at work. She’s ‘developing’ to become a senior level field assistant. The team she was with last week was extremely supportive and encouraging. They had gotten up at 5:00 a.m. to hike to the top of the highest slope with her group Tuesday to see the sunrise. It was gorgeous. That and the great week was just the adrenaline boost she needed to fuel her long journey home. Or so she thought.
As is usually the case, I used my partner in crime – Google – to assist me with keeping an up to the minute (well, maybe every couple of hours) track on her progress across our nation. The thought did run through my head that if I had just installed that GPS chip in her as I had threatened to do after the helicopter incident (see “Jennifer’s BIG College Senior Spring Break Adventure” for more details!), this task would be so much easier. But alas, my implantation idea was dismissed. Besides, it’s more fun calling every hour for an update, changing the ‘from’ field on googlemaps.com, and giving the update on estimated arrival time. After the adrenaline started to wear off, she didn’t look so forward to my chipper T-x hours countdown. I nonetheless was thrilled to ask ‘what mile marker are you on now?’, and zoom in to tell her exactly what I was seeing via cyber space vs. her real time experience. I LOVE the internet!!
As the time ticked off the clock and the miles accumulated, I again started begging her to stop somewhere and rest. Before the trip, I had given her all the motherly warnings of “don’t sleep at rest stops after dark, don’t sleep in gas stations, don’t sleep on the side of the road, don’t, don’t”. Of course I was given the “Ok, Mother!” retort. But when I could hear the wind being sucked out of her sails the further she drove, I didn’t really care where she slept. I just wanted her to sleep. Around 10:30 (eastern time) Wednesday night, I tried to call her yet again. There was no answer. My heart skipped a beat, but I was being the eternal optimist and tried not to think of what that could mean. I proceeded to get into the hot tub and told Cassidi if she called, to try and get her to rest. When I came in, Cass said she had indeed called. It turns out she had tried to stop and sleep, but just couldn’t settle down long enough to rest. She decided to hop back in the saddle (thank goodness she wasn’t really riding a horse for this trek!), and give it another go.
At this point, she had been awake for nearly 40 hours and had been driving over 24 hours straight. She was beyond exhaustion, but the thought that she could be home and in bed sleeping in a few short hours was driving her to DRIVE! She should have recognized the warning signs of an all out deflation, but decided the road of total denial was much more appealing when the reward was so attractive. Little did she know that while her energy was waning, her car’s was as well. What’s that old saying about hindsight being 20-20?!
I tried to call her again before going to bed around 11:00. Again, no answer. I threw in the towel, put on my “sleep” aromatherapy lotion, turned on my rainforest spa sounds, and attempted to go to sleep myself. Around 11:30 the phone rang, and I had that swimming sensation of flaying out of the warm cocoon of sleep. It was Jennifer. She wanted to know “Is Dad home yet”? UGH!! That is NEVER a good sign. At this point, I didn’t think he was home. He had stayed in Charlotte for the evening to work on the little house he bought (see “Tony’s BIG Crack House Adventure” for more details). She was telling me that her car was making a funny noise, and she wasn’t sure what it was. Again, another sentence a Mother NEVER wants to hear as her daughter is trekking cross country! As I got up to look in the house for him, he was actually walking through the front door. Just as I reached him to hand him the phone, she said “Ok, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you right back”. Double UGH!! I updated Tony on her call, and we waited. He had stayed up late the night before and was more than ready to hit the sack. I kept telling him he needed to get up and get ready to go rescue her wherever she was. He refused to listen and snuggled up like a bug in a rug.
When Jennifer finally called back around 12:00, I just handed the phone to him to answer. On the other end, all I could hear were heavy sobs with an understandable word or two in between. My heart sank. She was definitely in some sort of car trouble and needed help. I immediately hopped out of bed to get the pc cranked up so googlemaps could tell us how to find her. I was at the ready and waiting for the answer to my continued question of “Where is she?” Meanwhile, Tony’s response to her was a little more annoying.
I have to say in his defense, that even after 24 years, he’s not use to us women! As soon as any of us shed a tear, he’s a puddle! And now that Jennifer was on the phone in a sleep deprived full on meltdown, his “pet her until she’s all better” instinct kicked in. Me, on the other hand? As soon as I knew she wasn’t injured or in danger, I was ready to strangle her for not having stopped to rest (yeah, see how that type A kicks back in at times of distress?!). It’s not hard to guess why they always go to him first when something bad happens! Anyway, I told him to give me the phone, as after 5 minutes of coddling, she was having none of his “find a happy place” parenting.
When I got her on the phone, she was rambling on about her bad luck and why does this have to happen to me and such. At this point, she was completely delirious from hours of hypnotic driving without any sleep. You have to know Jennifer to understand how she operates. She is all about denial – denial about any bad feelings she may have, denial about impending conflict, denial about WHATEVER that generates any feelings of conflict! So, I did my usual “mean Mom” impersonation and got her calmed down (thank goodness someone in this family is conflict oriented!).
It turns out she was in the parking lot of a Ramada Inn just outside of Lexington KY. When the car had started making a funny noise, she decided to check the oil. In her job, she’s learned how to do some preventive maintenance steps for cars. (Tony’s VERY proud of her as he’s a wannabe mechanic). It looked like the oil was low, so she added some. She drove the car in circles around the Ramada Inn parking lot to see if the noise had fixed itself or not. It didn’t. And in addition, the water temperature was rising. Again, she got out to check things under the hood. At some point, she leaned down and her cell phone fell out of her jacket pocket – unbeknownst to her. She got back in the car, drove in circles some more to no avail. At this point, she decided to call us to provide a report. Hand went to pocket to retrieve phone; hand came up empty! Panic started to set in when she couldn’t locate it in the car either. She decided to check outside the car and found it smashed on the ground. When it fell out, she had run over it. As she was telling me about running over her phone, I asked who’s phone she was calling me from. It was hers. Only the screen was smashed, but she could still call in and out. Shew, that disaster averted.
So, now what?! I started searching on the web to find the specific Ramada Inn in Lexington to get directions for Tony. After I had gotten her calmed down, he talked to her and decided it wasn’t worth the risk of driving the car any further. He got out of bed, dressed, and went to load his car hauler trailer (see “Tony’s trailer for every occasion” for more details). Meanwhile, I got directions for him and instructed Jennifer to finally lie down and get the rest she needed for many hours.
Lexington is a little over 5 hours from us. Tony left just before 1:00 a.m. I reapplied my aromatherapy, turned on the rainforest spa sounds, and tried to block out the “what if” thoughts bouncing through my head. There was no need for me to lose sleep worrying as there wasn’t a thing I could do. Cassidi had school the next day, so at 6:15 the alarm was blaring. As soon as I turned it off and got Cass going, I called Tony’s cell. Jennifer answered (that’s a good sign!). She said he was in the process of loading her car on the hauler. When I asked if she got much rest, she said “Not really.” I guess this misadventure had her fully frustrated, in addition to Raleigh being restless.
Once Tony got there he had her review her warranty to determine next steps as far as getting the car looked at. His goal was to get her as close to home as possible to have someone find the problem. She bought the car from Carmax and from the way it looked in the warranty, she had to take it to a Carmax for service. Again, google came to the rescue. I searched to find the closest Carmax. The closest one was an hour west, which was backtracking for them. There was one in Winston Tony was focusing on, but I reminded him, “it is now Thursday morning and she has to be in Raleigh Friday morning.” Based on now having them together, I was very worried what catastrophe might ensue (they each have their own personal black could – combined, they can be deadly!). I didn’t want to chance having them try to get to Winston late in the afternoon, have some major problem with the car, and it not be ready in time for her to get to Raleigh. While I was anticipating the worst, my meager little mind could not fathom what was about to happen next.
On my way to work after dropping Cassidi off at school, I decided to call and get an update. I expected them to be on their way to breakfast or on the road home. Tony’s reply to my “how’s it going” was again not what I was hoping to hear. Not a mile down the road from having loaded Jen’s car, one of the tires on the hauler blew. They had to unload Jennifer’s car and then look for a place that was open at that early hour that would have a trailer tire. He found one, but they didn’t have the tools required to mount it on the wheel. At the place he found that could mount it, he found a cheaper tire (see “Tony’s Scotch- Irish blood” for more details). Needless to say, he had to wheel and deal (no pun intended,) even in this time of schedule crunch. Once he finally got the tire situation resolved, he went to put it on. In the process, he wrung off one of the wheel studs as it was old and rusty. Again, they had to load up and go look for that piece. All in all, it took just over 2 hours to fix the tire situation.
While all of this was going on, I was checking in with Jennifer periodically. She had found out that she did not have to take her car to a Carmax. She could take it to any local Nissan dealer. They found one and made an appointment. But as she was doing this research, she discovered another speed bump in the road. When she pulled her car off the hauler after the blown tire, Tony had told her to lock the doors. She did so obediently. However, there was one slight problem. In her zombie like state, she inadvertently locked the keys in the car! ACK!! But being the good Girl Scout she is (not really) in preparing for the trip she joined AAA. All she had to do was call them to come unlock the doors. Only problem, her car was on the side of the road and they were at stores getting the tire fixed. She couldn’t call until they got back to the car. They had about an hour wait, after they tried every avenue they could think of to unlock the doors themselves.
Finally, tire fixed, doors unlocked, car reloaded on the trailer, and 3 hours down, they were off to the dealership. Unfortunately, they had over a 2 hour wait. Once they got the car in, they diagnosed the problem fairly readily. All the belts were dry rotted and useless. Also, the radiator hose had a hole. $318 later, she drove her car behind Tony for a while to ensure all was well. They loaded her up when he was convinced the problem was fixed. Jennifer and Raleigh snoozed, while Tony pointed the car southeast and set sail for home.
At 10:30 Thursday night, Jennifer drove to the top of the driveway. Tony had unloaded her car out at the highway so they’d have level ground. He pulled in not long after her. It was great having both of them home safe and sound. Tony was asleep long before his head even hit the pillow. Jennifer on the other hand was renewed from her short stint of sleep. She needed to prepare herself for the training class in Raleigh the next day. At around 12 I convinced her that 4:00 a.m. was going to come very early after her two day traveling adventure. She finally conceded and went to sleep, with a black cloudless night overhead.
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Epilogue:
Jennifer made it to her training class unscathed. She came home the next Friday for a week’s visit at home. We took vacation and made day trips around the area. It was a blast having her here. She left Saturday morning to head for Utah. We insisted that she spend the night half way there in Kansas City MO. She got home Sunday evening around 10:00 p.m. her time. We’re extremely grateful she didn’t have any incidents on the way back. And we are just as grateful that the incidents she had on her trip home are something we can now look back on and laugh.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Type A Minus
This morning I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day. So far this spring, that’s been a rarity unfortunately. I, like so many others, need sunshine to motivate me. It put me in the frame of mind to be productive today vs. a slug. I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog and just what I want to accomplish with it. My original intent is to use it as a platform to hone my writing skills in preparation for writing a book. It will also give me a gauge to determine how many people have any interest in things I have to say. That statement sort of sets me back a bit, as it sounds so self centered and arrogant. Unfortunately, those two adjectives have been used more than once to describe me along my journey. And it’s those sorts of behaviors that, through the help of others, I became painfully aware of that fueled my desire to become a different person.
I often try to dissect the person that I was and the person that I’m trying to become. Questions such as “How did I get this way”, “Why didn’t I change earlier”, and “How do I know if the person I’m trying to become is any better than what I was” crop up frequently. Not to mention the ever dreaded thought of “Have I really changed or am I just fooling myself”. These taunts bounce around like a ping pong ball in my head when I allow them. But the “growing” part is when I allow myself to brave the answers from myself and more importantly, from others.
As far as “How I got this way”, I don’t have to look far. I am the youngest of five children with a nine and a half year age range. The closest sibling to me is four years older. If you look at research that psychologists have done related to birth order, I’m a first born, last born, and only child all rolled into one – AKA – attention seeker! Also, having older siblings taught me many do’s and don’ts. I learned very early what got positive feedback and what got negative feedback from those in authority. I preferred the positive feedback MUCH better. That turned me into a “pleaser at all costs” kid. I quickly learned to manipulate to give the perception that I was pleasing even when I wasn’t. A lifetime of pleasing with positive outcomes is very addictive!
I am a perfectionist and extremely judgmental. Competitiveness runs through my core in nearly every aspect of my existence. I have to be the BEST at everything. I hold everyone to the same high standards that I place on myself. And when they don’t meet those standards, I can be VERY brutal. These are things I can say about myself now. It has taken me a LONG time to see these things in myself and even longer not be defensive when they’re said. However, it’s similar to the “only I can call my baby ugly” logic – I can say it but it’s still hard at times to hear it from others. The saying “hindsight is always 20-20” could never be more true in my case for the “Why didn’t I change earlier” question.
When I was a child, I was full steam ahead, no holds barred. I never let an obstacle stand in my way of achieving exactly what I wanted. I never held myself accountable for misfortunes and had plenty of blame to pass around to any innocent bystander who happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. This is still one of the character traits I struggle with. But I didn’t like the words NO or CAN’T or DON’T. I just ploughed through whatever walls I hit or rewrote the rules when they didn’t suit me. That only worked for so long.
When I was in 7th grade, I began hearing of the National Honor Society. Of course this sounded like a VERY “pleasing” group, and one I wanted to know more about. I found out it was a group of students that exemplified honor and intelligence. Well, all I really heard was the intelligence part. I immediately assumed I’d be part of the group because I made straight As in school. I am one of those annoying folks that never has to crack a book for the most part to make an A. I have a photographic memory, so I can see the answers on a page in a book or on a page of my notes. But I digress. Anyway, I felt I was a shoe in. However, in 8th grade when the names were announced for the NHS, mine was not included. I could not believe it! There must have been some sort of mistake! No teacher ever let me know what happened directly, but I got the hint from a couple.
As I alluded to earlier, I thought I was very perceptive. In school, I thought I knew what made a person popular as opposed to unpopular. I was a bully, cussed, and essentially forced people to like me. Gosh only knows how many really despised me and simply tolerated me. But this behavior caught the eye of more than one teacher. And those teachers decided to send me a message by not inducting me into the NHS. I really wish that one of them would have sat me down to mentor me - to help me see the error in my ways. It would have helped me learn some lessons so much sooner in life. But looking back, I’m sure no amount of talking to me would have changed things – which they probably already knew!
When I was that age, I didn’t really know any better. I was oblivious to the politics of the world and my battering ram style of course didn’t suit well. Another unfortunate aspect of this whole situation was that my Mom thought I was wonderful! She couldn’t understand why I had not been inducted (because she never saw the BRAT I was with everyone else). I think she ended up doing some snooping around and between what she found and what I got as hints from teachers and fellow students, we knew it was my “dishonorable” behavior that excluded me. I of course never took any accountability and labeled the teachers and those inducted as “ignorant”, and I unaware of what they were missing out on by excluding me.
There were various incidents like that along my path. I assumed I was great, but then I didn’t always live up to that greatness. I loved track and hoped for a scholarship to college. I continued to make good grades through school and hoped for academic scholarships. A little irony is that just before my junior year, we moved to Tazewell, and there they inducted me into the NHS. I continually found rewards in spite of my dishonorable conduct. I partied my way through school and even led kids in the “good girls club” over to the dark side. I think back on those days and cringe.
But my luck was soon to change. As a senior in high school, I found out I was pregnant in early March. Tony and I were married later the same month. At that point, I figured all my hopes of achieving the lofty goals I had set for myself were gone. It was pretty hard to find anyone but myself to blame for the dreams unfulfilled. And I know the school administration had to be searching for any scenario possible to avoid having me give my salutatory speech while being four months pregnant!
In spite of the humiliation of what I considered failing to achieve my dreams, I managed to pick myself up and persevere. Fortunately Tony’s parents insisted on sending him to college. We moved to Boone and he started school that fall. I finally started 2 years later. And even in college I managed to plough my way through getting what I wanted, clicking anyone and everyone in the forehead as I scrambled up the ladder of success.
Success. What a funny word. Each and every one of us defines it differently. Each and every one of us measure each other based on our own definition. It’s like an opinion. Everyone has one, but they’re not always accurate. When I went to college, I wanted to major in Archaeology and History. I wanted to go dig up King Tut’s tomb and then write about it in an encyclopedia. That was my definition of success. But once I started down that path, Tony said “But that will not make any money”. What I heard was that since my definition of success didn’t include the aspect of money, it was inadequate. So, my next career choice had to involve making a lot of money. At the time, computers were just coming to the forefront. Tony was majoring in computer programming with a business focus, so why shouldn’t I?! And just like that, I was off to the races.
Entering into that arena exposed me to some highly competitive people. Remember my comment on competitiveness. I would not be outdone. I took more hours than most of my classmates, worked part time, and oh, don’t forget I had a baby at home and a husband. All while expecting nothing less than an A in every class. I finished up magna cum laude after 3 years of non-stop schooling, summers included. By the time I finished college, I was a full fledged arrogant, self centered, ladder climbing machine. It didn’t help that I was hired by one of the most competitive companies in North Carolina in one of their primo job opportunities. The ironic part is that I had no idea that’s what the job entailed. I thought I was just another employee of NCNB (what is now Bank of America after many years of mergers and acquisitions).
I picked up on the elite-ness of the program about a month or two into it. I had been hired into a program that fast tracked employees into general management. Well, that was the goal anyway. They offered various training opportunities to build our skills, both work related and politically. This program more than any other phase of my life pointed out just how much my competitive and self centered nature held me back. Looking back on it now, I see it perfectly. And yet again, at the time, I was blind to it.
While I originally felt getting pregnant with Jennifer was a failure, I realized what a blessing she was. When I finished college, got a steady job, and didn’t see myself progressing in the company the way I had imagined, I focused on expanding our family. Tony didn’t quite see it the same way, but after 4 years of coercion, we were blessed with Cassidi. My personality started to shift a bit, but I was still a ruthless witch.
Then an amazing thing happened. I met an angel that drug me kicking and screaming back to earth from my perch on the success ladder. It was a good friend that saw something better in me than I saw in myself. Over the years, I have created many antagonistic friendships. This friendship was no exception. We could argue until we were blue in the face, but we always brought out the best in each other. This friend helped me see the good that existed within me, while at the same time, could highlight the areas that I needed to work on.
While I’ve described for you all the negative qualities of my personality, I haven’t shared some of the positive ones. Again, these are qualities I can see clearly now, but didn’t see then. Just like negative feedback, I didn’t really like getting positive feedback either. Strange I know, but it made me feel very uncomfortable to hear praise.
I have a HUGE heart. I’d give someone that needed it, the shirt off of my back. I have this tender, mushy center that hardly anyone ever gets to see because of the hard as nails persona I exude. I’m an incurable mother hen that takes anyone in need under my wing and tries to protect them. I’m as loyal as the day is long and quite possibly as naïve. I LOVE to do for others and put a smile on faces. But somehow in the midst of my pursuit of becoming the first female president, I lost touch with those qualities. As with everything, there’s a balance. Go too far right, and you’re a radical. Go too far left and you’re a libertarian. I was definitely far from center, but not entirely sure in which direction.
I say all of this to get to the point that I never really realized how far off center I was. I got lots of conflicting signals in my lust for success – salutatorian in high school (albeit a bare foot and pregnant one!), magna cum laude in college, primo upper management grooming job right out of college. No one ever really sat me down and said “Hey, the world does NOT revolve around you!” Tony tried. But of course because he’s my husband, he doesn’t count! In addition to that, for the longest time, I completely disrespected him and did not see him for the angel he is. He was just another person to compete with.
But finally, I saw it. I was probably 30 when it all came into view. 30 long years!! I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all those people out there that I offended and hurt along the way. Snide remarks that I made. Disrespectful actions that I took. The list of people is long: my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my husband, my children, my in-laws, my friends, my enemies, my neighbors, my classmates, my teachers, my co-workers. The list could go on and on. I truly am sorry.
Sometimes I relapse into the “old” Machelle. Situations will come up where I get anal retentive about scheduling, planning, or organizing. Or I’ll negatively judge someone that has done something that I do not feel is appropriate. When I get thoroughly engaged in the situation, something clicks, and I step back to try and see the bigger picture. Being a libra helps me see the multiple facets of a situation. But now that I can self monitor my CRAZY factor, it’s an added benefit. I can usually reign myself in fairly well. But there are times when those around me have to help.
They know the “old” Machelle all too well. And they definitely don’t like her very much. My oldest daughter went off to college and came home one time to the “new” Machelle. She looked at me inquisitively and said, “Who are you and what did you do with my mother?!” Of course the next thing that came out of here mouth was, “But let’s not find her because I like this one MUCH better!” Friends that I haven’t seen in a long time have the same reaction. The majority of them cannot believe the transformation and it’s almost a game to see if they can goad the “old” Machelle out. Sometimes they do, sometimes I just let them think they do. Once I could see how the “old” Machelle operated, it’s entertaining to whip her out of the closet now and again. When you get her wound up, the flashing bell, whistle, and light show is entertaining to watch. If ever I get lost in the transformation, all I have to do is remember people’s reactions to the “old” vs. “new” Machelle to let me know I’m moving in the right direction.
It’s the same for knowing I really have changed. When I see people from long ago, they never quite know what to make of the “new” Machelle. There’s always a discussion that revolves around my transformation. And lots of puzzled looks. And even with those that have been around me the entire time, I’ll stop them in their tracks with a response that’s much more sublime than over the top. They’ll do a double take, furrow their brow, and get that quizzical cock of the head - similar to the way a puppy looks at you when he’s wondering why he’s being scolded for ripping the toilet paper to shreds. I LOVE the “new” Machelle. I especially loved it last summer when Tony asked me where the “list” was before we headed out for vacation. The “old” Machelle would have had every detailed planned out and all he would have had to do was “belly up to the bar” as I often accuse him of doing. I nicely informed him that there was no list. It was great getting to see all his flashing bell, whistle, and light show! Nothing like turning the tables, huh?!
I’m a firm believer that our hearts are only so big. And when we fill them with hatred and negativity, there is less room for love and positivity. In pursuing my definition of success, my heart was filling more and more with hatred and negativity. It was a heavy burden to carry and one that made me very ill. Becoming aware of how I was contributing to that made me do an about face. My goal became about filling my heart entirely with the love and positivity.
I feel it takes the school of hard knocks to teach us the lessons that are most important in life. I had to travel this road to realize there is a better way of life. Some people have the good grace about them to make their way with very few road bumps in their path. I admire these people. They are the angels in the world. But many times, when you look a little bit closer at their lives, you find that they’ve had their share of challenges. None of us are immune to it. I think it’s the ability to make mistakes, to learn from them, and then have the courage to share the knowledge gained from the experience that creates those angels. I like to think of myself as an angel with butterfly wings and I hope that through my experiences, others can find a better way for themselves.
While I’ve traveled a long journey on this crazy path called life, I know there is no specific destination. I will continue to evolve and grow and mature. Life would be so boring otherwise. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s boring. I have to keep up my end of the deal in providing entertainment alongside my husband and all of his mis-adventures (more stories to come on that one).
One final loose end to tie up. When Jennifer, my oldest daughter, was home recently, we were discussing the whole type A vs. type B personality traits. We analyzed each of the four of us sharing how we felt we fell on the personality scale. I often joke that I’m a recovering type A. But she put it more simply. I am an A minus - and that isn’t so bad.
I often try to dissect the person that I was and the person that I’m trying to become. Questions such as “How did I get this way”, “Why didn’t I change earlier”, and “How do I know if the person I’m trying to become is any better than what I was” crop up frequently. Not to mention the ever dreaded thought of “Have I really changed or am I just fooling myself”. These taunts bounce around like a ping pong ball in my head when I allow them. But the “growing” part is when I allow myself to brave the answers from myself and more importantly, from others.
As far as “How I got this way”, I don’t have to look far. I am the youngest of five children with a nine and a half year age range. The closest sibling to me is four years older. If you look at research that psychologists have done related to birth order, I’m a first born, last born, and only child all rolled into one – AKA – attention seeker! Also, having older siblings taught me many do’s and don’ts. I learned very early what got positive feedback and what got negative feedback from those in authority. I preferred the positive feedback MUCH better. That turned me into a “pleaser at all costs” kid. I quickly learned to manipulate to give the perception that I was pleasing even when I wasn’t. A lifetime of pleasing with positive outcomes is very addictive!
I am a perfectionist and extremely judgmental. Competitiveness runs through my core in nearly every aspect of my existence. I have to be the BEST at everything. I hold everyone to the same high standards that I place on myself. And when they don’t meet those standards, I can be VERY brutal. These are things I can say about myself now. It has taken me a LONG time to see these things in myself and even longer not be defensive when they’re said. However, it’s similar to the “only I can call my baby ugly” logic – I can say it but it’s still hard at times to hear it from others. The saying “hindsight is always 20-20” could never be more true in my case for the “Why didn’t I change earlier” question.
When I was a child, I was full steam ahead, no holds barred. I never let an obstacle stand in my way of achieving exactly what I wanted. I never held myself accountable for misfortunes and had plenty of blame to pass around to any innocent bystander who happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. This is still one of the character traits I struggle with. But I didn’t like the words NO or CAN’T or DON’T. I just ploughed through whatever walls I hit or rewrote the rules when they didn’t suit me. That only worked for so long.
When I was in 7th grade, I began hearing of the National Honor Society. Of course this sounded like a VERY “pleasing” group, and one I wanted to know more about. I found out it was a group of students that exemplified honor and intelligence. Well, all I really heard was the intelligence part. I immediately assumed I’d be part of the group because I made straight As in school. I am one of those annoying folks that never has to crack a book for the most part to make an A. I have a photographic memory, so I can see the answers on a page in a book or on a page of my notes. But I digress. Anyway, I felt I was a shoe in. However, in 8th grade when the names were announced for the NHS, mine was not included. I could not believe it! There must have been some sort of mistake! No teacher ever let me know what happened directly, but I got the hint from a couple.
As I alluded to earlier, I thought I was very perceptive. In school, I thought I knew what made a person popular as opposed to unpopular. I was a bully, cussed, and essentially forced people to like me. Gosh only knows how many really despised me and simply tolerated me. But this behavior caught the eye of more than one teacher. And those teachers decided to send me a message by not inducting me into the NHS. I really wish that one of them would have sat me down to mentor me - to help me see the error in my ways. It would have helped me learn some lessons so much sooner in life. But looking back, I’m sure no amount of talking to me would have changed things – which they probably already knew!
When I was that age, I didn’t really know any better. I was oblivious to the politics of the world and my battering ram style of course didn’t suit well. Another unfortunate aspect of this whole situation was that my Mom thought I was wonderful! She couldn’t understand why I had not been inducted (because she never saw the BRAT I was with everyone else). I think she ended up doing some snooping around and between what she found and what I got as hints from teachers and fellow students, we knew it was my “dishonorable” behavior that excluded me. I of course never took any accountability and labeled the teachers and those inducted as “ignorant”, and I unaware of what they were missing out on by excluding me.
There were various incidents like that along my path. I assumed I was great, but then I didn’t always live up to that greatness. I loved track and hoped for a scholarship to college. I continued to make good grades through school and hoped for academic scholarships. A little irony is that just before my junior year, we moved to Tazewell, and there they inducted me into the NHS. I continually found rewards in spite of my dishonorable conduct. I partied my way through school and even led kids in the “good girls club” over to the dark side. I think back on those days and cringe.
But my luck was soon to change. As a senior in high school, I found out I was pregnant in early March. Tony and I were married later the same month. At that point, I figured all my hopes of achieving the lofty goals I had set for myself were gone. It was pretty hard to find anyone but myself to blame for the dreams unfulfilled. And I know the school administration had to be searching for any scenario possible to avoid having me give my salutatory speech while being four months pregnant!
In spite of the humiliation of what I considered failing to achieve my dreams, I managed to pick myself up and persevere. Fortunately Tony’s parents insisted on sending him to college. We moved to Boone and he started school that fall. I finally started 2 years later. And even in college I managed to plough my way through getting what I wanted, clicking anyone and everyone in the forehead as I scrambled up the ladder of success.
Success. What a funny word. Each and every one of us defines it differently. Each and every one of us measure each other based on our own definition. It’s like an opinion. Everyone has one, but they’re not always accurate. When I went to college, I wanted to major in Archaeology and History. I wanted to go dig up King Tut’s tomb and then write about it in an encyclopedia. That was my definition of success. But once I started down that path, Tony said “But that will not make any money”. What I heard was that since my definition of success didn’t include the aspect of money, it was inadequate. So, my next career choice had to involve making a lot of money. At the time, computers were just coming to the forefront. Tony was majoring in computer programming with a business focus, so why shouldn’t I?! And just like that, I was off to the races.
Entering into that arena exposed me to some highly competitive people. Remember my comment on competitiveness. I would not be outdone. I took more hours than most of my classmates, worked part time, and oh, don’t forget I had a baby at home and a husband. All while expecting nothing less than an A in every class. I finished up magna cum laude after 3 years of non-stop schooling, summers included. By the time I finished college, I was a full fledged arrogant, self centered, ladder climbing machine. It didn’t help that I was hired by one of the most competitive companies in North Carolina in one of their primo job opportunities. The ironic part is that I had no idea that’s what the job entailed. I thought I was just another employee of NCNB (what is now Bank of America after many years of mergers and acquisitions).
I picked up on the elite-ness of the program about a month or two into it. I had been hired into a program that fast tracked employees into general management. Well, that was the goal anyway. They offered various training opportunities to build our skills, both work related and politically. This program more than any other phase of my life pointed out just how much my competitive and self centered nature held me back. Looking back on it now, I see it perfectly. And yet again, at the time, I was blind to it.
While I originally felt getting pregnant with Jennifer was a failure, I realized what a blessing she was. When I finished college, got a steady job, and didn’t see myself progressing in the company the way I had imagined, I focused on expanding our family. Tony didn’t quite see it the same way, but after 4 years of coercion, we were blessed with Cassidi. My personality started to shift a bit, but I was still a ruthless witch.
Then an amazing thing happened. I met an angel that drug me kicking and screaming back to earth from my perch on the success ladder. It was a good friend that saw something better in me than I saw in myself. Over the years, I have created many antagonistic friendships. This friendship was no exception. We could argue until we were blue in the face, but we always brought out the best in each other. This friend helped me see the good that existed within me, while at the same time, could highlight the areas that I needed to work on.
While I’ve described for you all the negative qualities of my personality, I haven’t shared some of the positive ones. Again, these are qualities I can see clearly now, but didn’t see then. Just like negative feedback, I didn’t really like getting positive feedback either. Strange I know, but it made me feel very uncomfortable to hear praise.
I have a HUGE heart. I’d give someone that needed it, the shirt off of my back. I have this tender, mushy center that hardly anyone ever gets to see because of the hard as nails persona I exude. I’m an incurable mother hen that takes anyone in need under my wing and tries to protect them. I’m as loyal as the day is long and quite possibly as naïve. I LOVE to do for others and put a smile on faces. But somehow in the midst of my pursuit of becoming the first female president, I lost touch with those qualities. As with everything, there’s a balance. Go too far right, and you’re a radical. Go too far left and you’re a libertarian. I was definitely far from center, but not entirely sure in which direction.
I say all of this to get to the point that I never really realized how far off center I was. I got lots of conflicting signals in my lust for success – salutatorian in high school (albeit a bare foot and pregnant one!), magna cum laude in college, primo upper management grooming job right out of college. No one ever really sat me down and said “Hey, the world does NOT revolve around you!” Tony tried. But of course because he’s my husband, he doesn’t count! In addition to that, for the longest time, I completely disrespected him and did not see him for the angel he is. He was just another person to compete with.
But finally, I saw it. I was probably 30 when it all came into view. 30 long years!! I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all those people out there that I offended and hurt along the way. Snide remarks that I made. Disrespectful actions that I took. The list of people is long: my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my husband, my children, my in-laws, my friends, my enemies, my neighbors, my classmates, my teachers, my co-workers. The list could go on and on. I truly am sorry.
Sometimes I relapse into the “old” Machelle. Situations will come up where I get anal retentive about scheduling, planning, or organizing. Or I’ll negatively judge someone that has done something that I do not feel is appropriate. When I get thoroughly engaged in the situation, something clicks, and I step back to try and see the bigger picture. Being a libra helps me see the multiple facets of a situation. But now that I can self monitor my CRAZY factor, it’s an added benefit. I can usually reign myself in fairly well. But there are times when those around me have to help.
They know the “old” Machelle all too well. And they definitely don’t like her very much. My oldest daughter went off to college and came home one time to the “new” Machelle. She looked at me inquisitively and said, “Who are you and what did you do with my mother?!” Of course the next thing that came out of here mouth was, “But let’s not find her because I like this one MUCH better!” Friends that I haven’t seen in a long time have the same reaction. The majority of them cannot believe the transformation and it’s almost a game to see if they can goad the “old” Machelle out. Sometimes they do, sometimes I just let them think they do. Once I could see how the “old” Machelle operated, it’s entertaining to whip her out of the closet now and again. When you get her wound up, the flashing bell, whistle, and light show is entertaining to watch. If ever I get lost in the transformation, all I have to do is remember people’s reactions to the “old” vs. “new” Machelle to let me know I’m moving in the right direction.
It’s the same for knowing I really have changed. When I see people from long ago, they never quite know what to make of the “new” Machelle. There’s always a discussion that revolves around my transformation. And lots of puzzled looks. And even with those that have been around me the entire time, I’ll stop them in their tracks with a response that’s much more sublime than over the top. They’ll do a double take, furrow their brow, and get that quizzical cock of the head - similar to the way a puppy looks at you when he’s wondering why he’s being scolded for ripping the toilet paper to shreds. I LOVE the “new” Machelle. I especially loved it last summer when Tony asked me where the “list” was before we headed out for vacation. The “old” Machelle would have had every detailed planned out and all he would have had to do was “belly up to the bar” as I often accuse him of doing. I nicely informed him that there was no list. It was great getting to see all his flashing bell, whistle, and light show! Nothing like turning the tables, huh?!
I’m a firm believer that our hearts are only so big. And when we fill them with hatred and negativity, there is less room for love and positivity. In pursuing my definition of success, my heart was filling more and more with hatred and negativity. It was a heavy burden to carry and one that made me very ill. Becoming aware of how I was contributing to that made me do an about face. My goal became about filling my heart entirely with the love and positivity.
I feel it takes the school of hard knocks to teach us the lessons that are most important in life. I had to travel this road to realize there is a better way of life. Some people have the good grace about them to make their way with very few road bumps in their path. I admire these people. They are the angels in the world. But many times, when you look a little bit closer at their lives, you find that they’ve had their share of challenges. None of us are immune to it. I think it’s the ability to make mistakes, to learn from them, and then have the courage to share the knowledge gained from the experience that creates those angels. I like to think of myself as an angel with butterfly wings and I hope that through my experiences, others can find a better way for themselves.
While I’ve traveled a long journey on this crazy path called life, I know there is no specific destination. I will continue to evolve and grow and mature. Life would be so boring otherwise. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s boring. I have to keep up my end of the deal in providing entertainment alongside my husband and all of his mis-adventures (more stories to come on that one).
One final loose end to tie up. When Jennifer, my oldest daughter, was home recently, we were discussing the whole type A vs. type B personality traits. We analyzed each of the four of us sharing how we felt we fell on the personality scale. I often joke that I’m a recovering type A. But she put it more simply. I am an A minus - and that isn’t so bad.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I've wanted to journal for a LONG time, and have just been too lazy to do it. Hopefully having this site will help me stay motivated. I'll make this short and sweet for now since I have to get this day started! Looking forward to this phase of the journey! I'm hoping it's my precursor to finally getting the book I want to write started. This will be my training in the same way a marathoner has to train in small increments to prepare for the big race.
More to come...
More to come...
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