Friday, September 20, 2013

Ten

In honor of Tony coming home, I thought I'd make a top ten reasons I'm glad he's coming home list.

10. The grass needs mowed, and I can't get the dang lawn mower started. Those that know my fierce independent side know how much it pains me to have to admit I can't get it started. Yes, I've checked the gas tank, the oil, primed the little bulb thingie, pulled back the bar for it to start, and there is no choke. I gave myself a shoulder ache pulling that stupid cord. My Dad taught me well. I really hope the thing is broken and needs a "real" repairman. If he comes home, yanks the cord, and the damn thing starts, I might just take a sledge hammer to it!!!

9. The dogs, bunnies, and cat need some good ole Tony rough housing, lovin'. I'm not a good pet Mom. I feed them, pat their head, and that's about it. Well, if you don't count the long discussions (read sailor swearing tirades) about NOT barking. It's a good thing they can't talk. They'd have potty mouth for sure!

8. He can eat this ginormous bowl of Halloween candy that I bought and save me from myself. I've made a dent in it, but there's still a TON left. The tootsie rolls are my favorite.

7. I'll have my main squeeze to watch celestial beings with again in the hot tub. I know Cass is grateful she's off to college and doesn't have to be tortured with my amazement with meteor showers and full moons.

6. We will NO LONGER have to schedule time to talk on FaceTime. Five hour time differences SUCK as I've previously complained about.

5. He can eat all this food I've made him. I haven't cooked this much for him in our entire 28 1/2 year marriage. He has chili, vegetable soup, hashbrown casserole, apple cranberry bake, and manicotti to scarf up. That doesn't include the hamburger and steak. He's got a lot of eating to do. Mom always told me the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I'm going to do my best to convince him to stay home so I can avoid number 6 above!!

4. Maybe I should have done a top five or should have started this earlier. My brained dead mind is struggling to think.

3. Oh yeah. He can deal with all the off the wall, crazy stuff that happens. Just tonight the kitchen sink sprung a leak. I had to pull all the crap out from up under there and dry it up. Then I got to put my plumbing skills to good use (remember I'm a massage therapist!). I took off the elbow thingie (yes, that's the technical term!) and after pouring the water out nearly had to make a quick trip to the bathroom to toss my cookies. The stuff in that thing is DISGUSTNG!!! Of course I had to clean it out (more near vomit sessions) before I attempted to put it back on.  I can still smell that nasty smell after the fifth scrubbing of my hands. I got it back together and it works - for now. It's drying out with all the stuff strung all over the floor. So much for the tidy house I was going to surprise him with.

2. The house won't be nearly as empty when I come home from work. I haven't really had any truly lonely moments. But that moment of opening the door after being away will be better to have him here.

And finally....

1. I can't wait to have him here to hug his neck, kiss his face, and cuddle with. This cold weather has worked in his favor. I definitely need a cuddle buddy to keep me warm.

I look forward to my favorite cowboy riding back in town. I've missed his black shirts, jeans, cowboy hat, and cowboy boots. And of course I've missed his sense of humor. He can always make me smile, even when I have a permanent frown. Tick tock, tick tock. Not long now....

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Eleanor

September 19th would have been her 68th birthday. Instead of us getting to spend it with her here on Earth, she's getting to spend it on angel's wings in Heaven. It must be a glorious sight for her.

Eleanor seriously disliked change and denial was her best friend. If she didn't believe something was true, then it just wasn't. Having four men in her life made it easier for that world to exist. She had a little plaque in her kitchen that said "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Those four men lived by that rule for sure. It's just what men do.

Eleanor grew up in a family of five children. She was the fourth child, but the first girl. She was the bell of the ball until her little sister, Debbie, was born. She always teased Debbie about stealing her thunder. But let me assure you, they all still knew who the alpha male was in the pack.

But try as she might, she couldn't deny she was sick when the pain became intolerable. I didn't like having to be the mirror she looked in related to her illness, but I realized I was the only one in her circle that was going to be truthful with her. When she was first diagnosed, my constant reminder to her was to focus on reaching another birthday. 

She had lost a lot of weight before she found out she was sick. She had achieved a clothes size that she had never seen before. She didn't want to go backwards, which is totally understandable. Once when she was talking about it, and it was just us, I told her that the number on the tag in her pants was not as important as the number she'd be at her next birthday.

I'm know she didn't like me telling her that, but I think it did help her put things into perspective. Our relationship was far too often antagonistic - a by product of me also carrying that alpha male gene. I was too honest and direct on more than one occasion which only contributed to the strain. But I think in this case, I was just what she needed.

There were very few times in our relationship when she asked for my opinion. But when she became ill, she did reach out to me. I don't know if it was my massage experience or the internet hound that I am when it comes to researching a topic. Probably a combination of both.

I was honored that she valued my advice and opinions. I didn't take the gesture lightly. I did my best to get the answers she was looking for when there was something she didn't quite understand.

When things started looking bleak, I turned to my Hospice training. I started talking to Tony about the possibilities of it being time to give her permission to let go. He, like his Mother, despises change. He wouldn't hear any of that to begin with. Denial, his best friend.

I was grateful that there was distance between Eleanor and me when the time finally came for all of them to have to accept that reality. If she had asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie to her. It took the doctor's final word for all of them to accept it. I'm glad he has to live with the look in their eyes when the cloak of denial was removed. I wouldn't be able to bear that burden.

When I got to Charlottesville and grasped her hand, she looked deep within my soul and asked, "Is it okay?" At first I was confused, but then it hit me. She was asking one last time for my truthful opinion. 

Over the remaining hours, I did my best to assure her and her boys that all was well. Everyone knew each others hearts. When I look back, she let go much quicker than many do. That was classic Eleanor. When something needed done, get to doing it.

We will always honor and remember her birthday. But more importantly we will carry her spirit forward with us. That is what she'd want.

Happy birthday in Heaven Eleanor! We love and miss you but know you're right where you are supposed to be. Thank you for watching over us. We feel your spirit and are grateful for your love.







Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Trust

Tonight's yoga class was about trust. Trust of self. We warmed our bodies and spirits up for the final posture of crow. It is definitely a posture that requires you to trust yourself. We had the safety net of a pillow in front of us to avoid a face plant into the floor, but it's still a trying posture for ones courage.

As with any emotion, we have to give ourselves permission to feel it about ourselves before we can fully feel it for someone else. Because so few people practice that, it explains many of the problems in the world today. The first emotion that pops into my mind in that regard is love. But in actuality, trust must come before love.

Trust of self seems so easy. We know our likes, desires, wants, and needs better than anyone else. It should be a no brainier in pursuing the things that satisfy us. But upon closer inspection, it is one of the most difficult emotions to require of ourselves. It is far easier to lie to ourselves than to anyone else. And oh, how we lie!

Trust is one of the leading qualities people require of others. But in many cases, if we held ourselves to the same expectations that we hold others to, most of us would fail dismally. We ask far more of others than we do ourselves when it comes to trust.

Tonight's class was just as beneficial to me as it was my students. I hope they realize that. I ask of nothing in my class that I don't hold myself to. If only life could be as simple as doing a yoga posture with a pillow as a safety net. But it reminded me to stop, be present, and be accountable. For this, I trust myself. Can you?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Perfection

I'm perfecting the art of being LAZY!! I'm trying not to feel guilty about it considering all of the craziness of the last year and a half. I really need to start a to-do list so I can at least keep up with all the things I think about doing. Maybe one of these days I'll snap out of this brain fog and actually get something accomplished.

I've never really been one to sit still. But as with all things in life, there is a season for everything. I'm taking this season to regain my strength for the next. I'm not sure what it will hold, but I have a feeling I'll be good and ready! Now, let me get back to my channel surfing and horizontal position of holding the couch down.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Autumn

Fall is a great season. I've always likened the changing leaf colors to the blooming of spring flowers. The forest goes from various shades of green to deep hues of red, orange, yellow, and brown. I've always enjoyed the darker tones of the color wheel.

It's hard to believe this season is upon us. Years pass so quickly now I can barely keep up with the number I'm to write. I don't think they will be passing any slower in my empty nest.

I continue to enjoy the lazy days my life affords these days. I have a few things I need to get accomplished, but finding motivation is difficult. It will be a busy week of cleaning, cooking, and working to make next weekend all about catching up. Friday won't get here quickly enough.

I ordered a few scented candles to help ring in Autumn. I can't help to think of last year about this time when I was in full swing of planning our Halloween party. I will miss it this year. I love planning parties and all the activities that go along with them. Maybe that will be my next career.

As the daylight grows shorter and the temperatures cool, I'm reminded that winter is next. I don't look forward to the cold and mess the wood burning will bring. I am going to focus on the here and now and enjoy the season that is upon us. Here's to mums, pumpkins, and a scarecrows.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Moody

One minute I'm happy as a lark. The next, I'm ready to strangle something. The joys of being a 40 something female. Tony was glad to be accessible only via a FaceTime chat.

I really dislike it when my emotions get the best of me. I pretty much reserve the brunt of it for those close to me. But since no one is home, that makes it difficult. I could always hook up the punching bag again and do a few karate chops and groin kicks.

But then I'm sure my body would remind me of my 40 something age group! Maybe a glass of wine, a stint in the hot tub, and sleep would be a better remedy. Maybe...

Friday, September 13, 2013

Rip Van Winkle

If I'm not careful, I just may turn into ole Rip!! Today was a surprise day off since I didn't have any appointments. It was a wonderful break.

I woke up fairly late for the day. There was no alarm clock to jolt me out of bed, not that I ever really need one these days. I don't know if it is old age or what, but I generally wake up anywhere between a half hour and one minute before my alarm clock ever has the chance to go off. It might have something to do with detesting that annoying sound it makes, too!

Rafa was playing again, but not being televised. I found the online page that would give me the live scoreboard and was content. He eventually won in another searing performance. GO RAFA!!

But as I was making my way through the day, I realized I forgot my sister date. ACK!! I immediately called and we spent the next four hours regurgitating and digesting the events of each others lives for the last few weeks. Life has been a little bit busy on both of our ends, but we rarely get off the phone in less than four hours even when we have the most boring of existences. Sister love. Unless you have it, you can't explain it. I couldn't live without my sister, Debbie.

We are alike in so many ways, but yet have distinct differences. She's a fellow hermit and we had the best time reviewing my recent discovery of the finer things aloneness brings. I've actually been taking notes from her for a few years now. We're two peas in a pod in that category for sure.

I got a jump start on Autumn and made my first pot of vegetable soup. It hit the spot. We'll see if I'm able to eat the whole thing by myself. I may turn into vegetable soup if I'm successful.

It has been another quiet day at the McCann abode. I have yet to have a real lonesome moment. Twenty eight years of being "on" for someone else has a tendency to tire you out. I'm absorbing this down time for the day when I know it's going to get busy again. I don't anticipate the pace ever equalling the demands of motherhood, but it's bound to pick up when Tony comes home.

Quiet solitude had to set well with Rip, otherwise he'd have come down from that mountain sooner. I haven't been drinking anything, growing a foot long beard, or sleeping the days away, but I sure have been enjoying the life of seclusion. One more week of this carefree bliss before I have to don the cloak of the real life of Machelle McCann and let Mr. Van Winkle have his back.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Summer

Mother Nature has been totally out of whack the last few seasons. We pretty much completely missed out on summer here on the mountain. Tonight when I was driving home from yoga, I had the windows down. It felt amazing. I immediately thought "This feels like a summer night". But it's the middle of September!!

I've been seeing pictures on FB of pumpkins and scarecrows. Everyone is posting food and recipes that scream FALL. I've found myself getting the urge to nest and hibernate. But these warm temperatures are much welcomed. You can never go wrong with sunshine!!

The calendar might say one thing, but the warm breeze is saying another. I could definitely go for a lot more days and evenings like we've been having. I just wish my buddy would get back home to enjoy it with me. Soon, very soon!!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Patriotism

In today's society I truly wonder if people understand the real meaning of patriotism. It doesn't include the words "I" or "me". It doesn't include the phrase "what's in it for me". It doesn't include "that's not my responsibility".

Patriotism is not about finding loopholes in the system and using them to your own advantage. It is not about how you can trample on the person next to you to get ahead. It is not about expecting to receive something when you've put forth nothing to earn it.

This day has the same historical significance as Pearl Harbor, maybe even more so. People posting remembrances to honor the fallen is moving. But it lessens the meaning when it's posted beside their whiny status about how the world is against them or next to the post about their self centered, liberal views that fly in the face of all we hold dear in this country.

So please, before you wave the flag of this nation or post a picture in support of those that have lost their lives in the pursuit of defending our great country, check your ego at the door. What you do every day of your life represents who and what you are. You can't pick one or two days out of the year to be patriotic. It's all or nothing.

God Bless the USA! Prayers for all those lost defending her, those still fighting to defend her, and all of those true patriots proud to be American!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Calm

There is a space within each of us that is quiet, peaceful, and calm. The unfortunate piece is that we rarely allow ourselves to hang out in that place for long. The day to day demands of life pull us further and further away from it.

My massage and yoga training has taught me so much about finding and cultivating that space within myself. I'm grateful that I get to share it with my massage clients and yoga students. The other awesome part is that they in turn share their spirit with me in the process. Giving and receiving. It is a powerful thing.

The older I have become, the less I take my sanctuary within for granted. There are a lot of factors that play into that process. I do my best not to analyze it and just let it be. But when I'm trying to help others, sometimes it is good to know how things fit together inside myself.

I have abandoned my calm for the better part of a year and a half. The things I was doing were good and necessary. I wouldn't give up that time of sharing Cass' senior year with her for anything. But I am grateful it is behind me, and I am able to live in my happy place again.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Passion

I have been accused on more than one occasion of being too passionate. I don't do half way. It's either 110% or nothing at all. I just believe that if you're going to do a thing or feel something, you should give it your best shot. I like people that feel and do the same thing.

I have been watching tennis for years. Martina Navratilova and John McEnroe are two of the most passionate players in history. Martina's sheer dominance was unparalleled in women's tennis. McEnroe's temper was the only thing that beat him on more than one occasion.

But undeniably the most passionate player in tennis of all time would have to be Rafael Nadal. He plays every point as if his life depended upon it. During a match, he wears a frown that would make you believe he's the grumpiest person alive - winning or losing. He plays like he is always a set and a break down.

But just as grumpy as he is off the court, he's an entire smile off it. When he smiles, his whole being smiles. His face beams like a ray of sunshine. Sometimes his Spanglish is difficult to understand, but his smile never is.

Tonight he won another major tournament. He had a 7 month period of time where he wasn't able to compete due to a knee injury. He has spoken about the pain it caused his spirit not to play. About how difficult it was to have to watch tournaments from home on a tv instead of playing in them. Those are just words.

But to see the celebrations he has had in his wins since his return, anyone could understand the torment he went through all those months. His first couple of wins were on very small stages on clay. He still cried. He has won 1000 series and two Grand Slams. Those celebrations were extremely special.

As he was about to serve the final point of the match tonight, I was standing in front of my television pacing back and forth, hands clasped in front of my face, and on the verge of tears. When that ball went into the net and he won, a flood of tears sprung from my body. Rafa was on the ground crying, and I was trying to get ahold of my own emotions.

To see how important these wins are for him, even after all of these years of him playing this sport, is a true testament of his greatness. He doesn't take a single win, or opponent, for granted. He plays a 500 series tournament the same way he does a grand slam - 110%. That takes someone special. And Rafael Nadal is special.

Congratulations Rafa on your fabulous victory tonight. I know it will not be your last of the season. I am so grateful for the 12 years I have gotten to watch you. I am one of your biggest fans and will continue to watch until that unfortunate day when you hang up your racquet. But until then, VAMOS RAFA!!!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

True Love

Nearly 29 years ago I fell in love with a boy. I had a class or two with him and we laughed and joked. It wasn't love at first sight, but after spending an evening riding around in his white Jeep at the end of an awards banquet at school, I was hooked. I tease him and say it was the Jeep I was after, but he knows better.

We didn't have the most traditional of starts with our shot gun wedding, but God knew what he was doing in crossing our paths. He is the yin to my yang and vice versa. We have tried to undo what was done on more than one occasion. Fortunately the powers that be threw a wrench in those plans.

We have produced two of the most amazing children in the world. Our little family is unique and strange and different on quite a few levels. The poor boys that enter into the fray will have their hands full when that day comes. Gosh knows the girl's friends shake their heads at us when they come around. Let's just say we have "lively" discussions in our family.

God gave me the perfectly patient man. No one can get his red headed temper flared quite as quickly as I can, however. My bite is plenty painful and he has endured more than his fair share  of bites at times. I am grateful that he has stuck with me.

As he celebrates his 46th birthday alone in England, I want him to know the other half of his heart is patiently (well, mostly impatiently) waiting for his return. Happy birthday Tony McCann. I'm glad you know I truly love being your wife (no matter what I might say in a fiery rage)!!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Controversy

I have been enjoying the carefree nature that my empty nest has afforded too much. It's time to get back to my words!

As I have been doing this project over the past months, I have found the more controversial my word, the more hits my blog gets. It's kind of been an experiment that I've done. Of course I like people reading, but there have been much better entries that get ignored because the title was "Quality Time" vs "Racism".

I think at times I let it suck me in and influenced my writing. I tend to stay on the sunny side of life. I can have my negative and pessimistic days like everyone else. But for the most part, I try to stay upbeat. In looking back at some of my entries and in thinking through the day what I want to write about, I see too much negativity.

With that being said, I'm going to turn that around. I'm a firm believer that what you feed, grows. I will not feed negativity. Gosh knows we only have to look at our news outlets for that junk. So, I'm going to feed light. And hopefully, you'll still read that stuff, too. With at much sadness and heartache as we have in our world, we could all use some positivity.