Eleanor seriously disliked change and denial was her best friend. If she didn't believe something was true, then it just wasn't. Having four men in her life made it easier for that world to exist. She had a little plaque in her kitchen that said "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Those four men lived by that rule for sure. It's just what men do.
Eleanor grew up in a family of five children. She was the fourth child, but the first girl. She was the bell of the ball until her little sister, Debbie, was born. She always teased Debbie about stealing her thunder. But let me assure you, they all still knew who the alpha male was in the pack.
But try as she might, she couldn't deny she was sick when the pain became intolerable. I didn't like having to be the mirror she looked in related to her illness, but I realized I was the only one in her circle that was going to be truthful with her. When she was first diagnosed, my constant reminder to her was to focus on reaching another birthday.
She had lost a lot of weight before she found out she was sick. She had achieved a clothes size that she had never seen before. She didn't want to go backwards, which is totally understandable. Once when she was talking about it, and it was just us, I told her that the number on the tag in her pants was not as important as the number she'd be at her next birthday.
I'm know she didn't like me telling her that, but I think it did help her put things into perspective. Our relationship was far too often antagonistic - a by product of me also carrying that alpha male gene. I was too honest and direct on more than one occasion which only contributed to the strain. But I think in this case, I was just what she needed.
There were very few times in our relationship when she asked for my opinion. But when she became ill, she did reach out to me. I don't know if it was my massage experience or the internet hound that I am when it comes to researching a topic. Probably a combination of both.
I was honored that she valued my advice and opinions. I didn't take the gesture lightly. I did my best to get the answers she was looking for when there was something she didn't quite understand.
When things started looking bleak, I turned to my Hospice training. I started talking to Tony about the possibilities of it being time to give her permission to let go. He, like his Mother, despises change. He wouldn't hear any of that to begin with. Denial, his best friend.
I was grateful that there was distance between Eleanor and me when the time finally came for all of them to have to accept that reality. If she had asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie to her. It took the doctor's final word for all of them to accept it. I'm glad he has to live with the look in their eyes when the cloak of denial was removed. I wouldn't be able to bear that burden.
When I got to Charlottesville and grasped her hand, she looked deep within my soul and asked, "Is it okay?" At first I was confused, but then it hit me. She was asking one last time for my truthful opinion.
Over the remaining hours, I did my best to assure her and her boys that all was well. Everyone knew each others hearts. When I look back, she let go much quicker than many do. That was classic Eleanor. When something needed done, get to doing it.
We will always honor and remember her birthday. But more importantly we will carry her spirit forward with us. That is what she'd want.
Happy birthday in Heaven Eleanor! We love and miss you but know you're right where you are supposed to be. Thank you for watching over us. We feel your spirit and are grateful for your love.
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