Saturday, February 15, 2014

One Year

As February 16th has approached, we all have been feeling the weight of the date. Having survived the first year of loss of my own Mom, I know exactly what Tony is experiencing. He unfortunately is in London and can't be here. I've talked with him about it, but I think men deal with this stuff far differently than women.

I went to see Cassidi a week ago and the trip to Charlottesville reminded me so much of where we were a year ago. I've said it before, but the feeling of it being forever ago and then only like yesterday is still there. We survived all the firsts: birthdays, Mother's Day, July 4th, anniversaries, a great grand baby's birth, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a new year, Valentine's Day, and now this.

Of course we realize that the pain and suffering she endured in those last weeks were unbearable. We don't wish she was here to have to go through any more of that. But we wish for the times before cancer. When she was here as the matriarch of the McCann clan, the bossy sister of the Lafferty clan, the best friend confidant, and the organizing neighbor in The Garden.

So many times in the last year I've had the thought of doing something like Eleanor, saying something that sounded like her, or thinking in a way that reminded me of her. While our relationship was rocky at times, I think we ended up being more alike in ways than not. I have many of those same feelings about my own Mom. I think it's part of the aging process for us to become like our parents. Unfortunately our Moms aren't here anymore to see the growth we've made.

We feel her presence in our lives in the smallest of ways. We include her through pictures and memories and have frequent laughs about her. She entertained and looked out for all of us right to the end. We are trying to honor her memory as best we can. We attempt to muster a smile when our hearts are truly breaking. This day is one of those moments.

If you see a McCann, Lafferty, or close friend of the family today, please give them a special hug or kind word. It will mean more than you will know.

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