Roller Coasters

When I was a kid, I LOVED roller coasters. When we lived in Ohio, Cedar Point was my favorite place. In Charlotte, we had Carowinds. Of course we’ve been to Disney World and Busch Gardens. And don’t forget the local fairs with their turning in sickening circle rides and ferris wheels.

As I’ve aged, I’ve found I enjoy the rides in an amusement park less. There was something about the responsibility of being a parent that gave me pause in doing things that could result in my death, however unlikely that outcome seemed. I just didn’t think it was smart of me to hurl my body into mid air when I had two children at home to care for.

I’m realizing with each passing year, that life is enough of a roller coaster in and of itself. The various phases of life keep catching me off guard, and I find myself holding my breath. I know that I’m supposed to breath. I know that I’m strong and capable of enduring whatever is thrown my way. But it’s still extremely difficult at times.

Last night before bed, I found myself in a bad mood. Being a sunny side up person, I don’t like bad moods. I hoped sleep would cure whatever was ailing me. But I awoke to the same feeling. I decided to stop and examine it to determine exactly what is going on.

I don’t take that task lightly. Looking in a mirror can be incredibly painful and gut wrenching. The majority of us find it so unpleasant, we simply avoid it. We live in the world of denial and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality at its finest.

As peri-menopause ravages my mind, body, and spirit, I’ve found myself in this vortex too often. I realize it is hormone imbalances that are playing tricks on me. But even being aware of it, doesn’t keep it from happening or doesn’t influence my rebound rate. Sometimes it simply gives me an excuse to stay in the dark valley and wallow.

When I take these moments to stop and evaluate this journey, I can’t help but feel ashamed for ever being anything but grateful. I have my health of mind/body/spirit, a wonderful husband, two beautiful daughters and now a son-in-law, a gorgeous home filled with the things I love, abundance of the finer things in life, family and friends that fill me, and the ability to pursue anything that my heart desires. Just writing all of those things cheers me up, but yes, there is still some void this morning.

I think of all the recent endeavors that I have been pursuing. There are currently so many doors standing wide open for me to consider. My creative mind is bouncing off the walls. A certain part of me is resentful that I cannot spend every waking moment tending to my creative right brain.

But this morning, I’m forcing myself to go further back. To review who I am at the core. And as I’ve said many times, that is a giver, a nurturer, an empath, a mother hen. I’ve said it a few times in the past couple of weeks, but I’m putting it here in black and white. I went from my parent’s home at 18 directly into marriage, immediately had a child, raised two daughters, and when my nest was empty, I filled it with the hundreds of clients in my work. I think maybe I’ve overdone it, and that is what I’m feeling.

I’m realizing that in all this giving to others, I’ve depleted me. My stubborn, strong, independent self has bulled through this path. If I ever felt tired or spent, I simply told myself to “suck it up buttercup” and plow through it. I found a few outlets here and there, but for the most part, my workaholic tendencies prevailed.

I have put into motion numerous things to give me more space to explore ME. But as we all know, I am not a patient person. I expect everything to flip on a dime. When I decide to go in a direction, the whole world is supposed to go with me. It’s that selfish side of me that still exists – that human side.

So, long story short, this mood this morning is about my impatience at being human. That my desires are not being met immediately, and I’m having a temper tantrum about it. And I’ve decided that is okay. That I am going to rejoice in my humanity and not negatively judge myself. I am who I am. It’s my perspective that decides if this roller coaster is enjoyable or not. Today I’m choosing acceptance – all sickening, spinning, twirling, hurling, gyrating, bumping turns of this roller coaster called me!