Goodbye is the hardest thing to say, and harder yet to feel

The summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school I moved to Tazewell VA. That is a VERY difficult time of life to move in case you’ve never had to do it. I went from being an active athlete and honor student in a school with lots of friends and a boyfriend to not knowing a soul. Needless to say, I had a chip on my shoulder about being uprooted.

Being the last at home, my Mom could focus all of her attention on trying to help me make the transition. I was a snot nosed teenager and did my best to foil her attempts. She found a church right away as usual. She made friends and got busy networking. She found out about the day, time, and location for school sports physicals. I reluctantly agreed to go as I wanted to play basketball and run track.

The day of the physicals, which was a few days before school started, we walked in and put my name on the waiting list. Of course there were tons of people there, talking in their little cliques. I felt like such an idiot having only my Mom to talk to. What teenager wants to be seen in public with their parent, let alone in a teen zone?! My misery must have been quite apparent, as it didn’t take long for this one girl to come bounding over to my rescue.

That girl was Kelly Combs. She wasted no time in learning all the particulars about me and taking me back over to meet her friends. She was a cheerleader and so were all of them. Being a tomboy and the complete opposite of a chipper cheerleader, I figured this introduction was headed no where fast. I felt sure that if I could just endure the chatty happiness of these girls during the wait for my physical, I’d be doing well.

But Kelly would have nothing of that. She made sure to get my phone number, an understanding of where I lived, and promised to be in touch. This was LONG before MySpace, Facebook, email, cell phones, or texting. The phones we had back then were at our houses AND the kind that you actually had to dial. Funny how times change. Anyway, she got my info and promised to be in touch.

Once in school, we discovered that we had a few classes together even though she was a grade behind me. We became fast friends and learned we had quite a bit in common. We were both from a family of five – she being the oldest of five and me being the youngest. We were both extremely competitive, determined, iron willed, perfectionist, and independent girls. Sometimes our likeness caused arguments and disagreements. We behaved a lot more like sisters than friends.

While we had more similar qualities than differences, there were differences - one key one being punctuality. I was always about 15 to 30 minutes early. Kelly was always 15 to 30 minutes late, better known as “Kelly Time”. I often harassed her that she’d be late for her funeral. She piped back “I hope I am!” No amount of prodding from me (or anyone else for that matter) could make her timely.

I daresay if it were not for meeting Kelly, I would have continued to sulk and be an outcast. I know my Mom had to jump for joy that we met. Kelly was a lot like my Mom in that she never met a stranger. They both could walk into a room of 10 strangers and walk out with 10 friends. I on the other hand, would have walked out knowing maybe one. In the case of meeting Kelly, that one was like winning the lottery. I got to meet a LOT of people through her that I normally wouldn’t have. Even though she had to drag me kicking and screaming at times, I am so grateful to her for that.

We were basically inseparable for that first year. She went on vacations with my family and spent lots of nights at our house. I’d go to her house and walk in the back door without even knocking. Their house always reminded me of the nursery rhyme “The Old Woman that Lived in the Shoe” as there were kids everywhere! I was just another one to add to the brood and her family welcomed me in with open arms.

The next year things changed quite a bit as I met my husband and married in the spring of my senior year. Kelly was one of my bridesmaids. In the fall, I moved to Boone NC when my husband attended Appalachian State. I returned to Tazewell to have our first daughter, Jennifer, and she was there for that. We did our best to stay in touch, but as life usually does, our paths went in different directions.

We got the invitation, and Jennifer and I attended her wedding. Wow, what a production! I can still see all the people flanking the hillside at her parent’s house. She was in all her glory! It was definitely a day that she shined brightly. A beautiful bride. After that we kept in touch mostly through Christmas newsletters and occasional drop in visits when I was in Tazewell or her in Charlotte. Our families grew, our careers blossomed, and life prevailed.

In August of 2005, Kelly suddenly lost her Dad. My Mom had found out and called me. I made the mistake of not attending his funeral. That is one of those moments I would like to be able to do over. But from what I’ve been told, Kelly was the solid rock that she’s always been and made him proud in her send off of him.

In February of 2006, I suddenly lost my Mom. To my surprise, Kelly came with my in-laws to the memorial service. I was so grateful for her attendance. She and my Mom had a special connection for sure. Both of them had a gift of making you feel like you were the only thing on their minds at that moment. They went the extra mile to make you feel special.

Three months after Mom died, I found out through my mother-in-law that Kelly was diagnosed with breast cancer. The small town of Tazewell has quite a powerful gossip underground and news travels at blazing speeds. Eleanor had heard the news through this grapevine, and did not have any real details. One of the first thoughts that went through my mind was how sad I was that Mom wouldn’t be here to support Kelly through this. The next thought was that I needed to fill that void.

I got busy and found Kelly’s phone number. I called and we talked for a long time. I did my best to stay composed and strong in the face of the news. As usual, Kelly took the information in stride, and while I couldn’t see the smile on her face, I could hear it in her voice. She was NOT going to take this laying down and would fight to the bitter end. I signed up for the slugfest, too.

Through encouragement from friends, Kelly started posting information about her cancer journey online. She used various tools through the years, and as a result, I have become quite the master of chat, email, and blogging tools in an attempt to keep up with her story. Another commonality that we share is that writing is an outlet for our emotions. We both love to communicate and usually our written word gets to the point better than our spoken word.

These tools were a wonderful outlet for Kelly. She could keep everyone informed in real time. It allowed her to “control” the information that was being disseminated to ward off the rumor mill. Again in a small town like Tazewell, that was a VERY important feature. It also, provided a way for all of her family and friends to give her encouragement and support. And as Kelly said many times, that meant the world to her.

I followed her updates religiously. I commented as often as I felt appropriate without being obnoxious. Kelly’s journey was a roller coaster, and I stuck with her through all the high, low, and middle grounds. I’d call her occasionally, but the majority of our interaction was online. She was an extremely busy woman with mothering 4 young boys, her work, and all the social and volunteer commitments she had.

I made numerous attempts to see Kelly through the journey. I did get to visit one time early on in the diagnosis and treatments. I was able to do a foot reflexology session with her, and she enjoyed that. I also saw her briefly at a friend’s Father’s funeral. But between her busy schedule and mine, we just didn’t make it happen often enough.

On January 27th, 2010, my youngest daughter’s basketball team was set to play in Tazewell. Kelly had just recently been through yet another tough bout with the cancer bug. All indications were that she had battled her way through it and was on the mend. In a rare Kelly moment, she asked for no visitors. Hoping for an exception, I contacted her to see if it would be ok for us to stop in after the game. She was always a night owl, but I didn’t want to disturb the rest of the house with a late night visit. Fortunately, she agreed for us to come on over.

In her blogs, she often noted the food cravings she was having. She also mentioned the problems she was experiencing with sleeping. And her number two enemy behind cancer was stress. She was trying all methods to remove stress. I took a goodie bag full of things to hopefully ease some of all of those woes. When she pulled out the cookies I took, she told me she felt sure her Little Debbie snack cake cravings were a result of my Mom always having them as kids. We got a good laugh out of that.

Our visit was very refreshing. I could tell she was tired and had been kicked around a bit with the latest episode. But I could still see and feel the fire in her eyes and in her belly. She wanted to live for those 4 boys no matter what. She even jumped out of bed at one point and took me upstairs to show me the progress on the two older boys’ rooms upstairs. I tried to talk her out of the stairs, but she wouldn’t listen.

I didn’t want to leave, but Cassidi had school the next day and we had nearly a 2 hour trip home. We hugged goodbye with promises of visiting sooner next time. When I walked out of that house, I never imagined what the next three weeks would hold.
Kelly was religious about updating her site. Again, it was a form of therapy for her. When she’d have rough spells, she couldn’t always update every day. Those of us that were regular readers would worry if there wasn’t a post for more than 4 or 5 days in a row. We’d occasionally send out search parties and inquiries to know who saw her last and what they knew – the online gossip underground!

We were always well intentioned, but sometimes it felt like the tables had turned. It seemed at times we just wanted our entertainment! I know that is not the way anyone really felt, but because Kelly was so open and honest about EVERYTHING in her life, we all got front row seats into her chaos. She was a master at riding the roller coaster. And we became Kelly adrenaline junkies probably without even knowing it.

When I say she shared everything, I mean EVERYTHING! There were posts about spicy poop, Shrek belching contests, projectile puking, Frankenstein’s bride hair, law room antics, cow pie bingo, raising teenage boys, raising toddlers, LOUD noises, aches & pains, triumphs, disappointments, hospital visits, reunion late night (early morning) parties, the mundane, the exhilarating, the everyday antics that kept her moving at the speed of life. I mean, who wouldn’t be entertained by that?! All she needed was a camera crew to become the next reality TV series. It could have been titled “Living at the Speed of Life (in spite of having stage IV Breast Cancer)”.

But the last entry on Kelly’s site was the day before I went to see her. About a week later, I finally caved in and sent a note to her sister on Facebook to check on her. I didn’t want to be a bother in the event that something “bad” was going on. Amy assured me Kelly was doing ok – 40% the day before, but 60% that day (Kelly’s evaluation no doubt!). I scolded myself for allowing the negative demons to enter into my train of thought. I jumped back on the positive vibe band wagon and vowed that I wouldn’t let anything deter me again.

And then it happened. A couple of days later, the thing that all of us had feared. Kelly was told the cancer had metastasized beyond the point of treatment and there was nothing left that could be done. She fought tooth and nail for nearly 4 years to squeeze every drop of living out of her existence. I can only imagine the conversations that came after that. I say conversations, but I’m sure it was a very one sided SCREAMING tirade. Kelly never gave up on anything in her life. She HATED to lose. If she had to rewrite the script in her head to win, then she’d do just that.

Kelly was sent home from the hospital with Hospice on Friday, February 12th. She died Sunday, February 14th. I like to think that as long as she felt she had the tools to actively fight cancer and have more time with her loved ones, then she was game. But when the options ran out, she refused to let cancer slowly eat her alive. She decided it was time to rewrite the script. Cancer was not going to beat her. She decided it was just time to say goodbye. As hard as I know that had to be for her, it was the graceful exit she’d want us all to remember. And she did it in "Kelly Time". There were so many times in her journey where the cancer should have won earlier. But true to form, she was late to her funeral!

In speaking with her Mom at the services, she told me Kelly kept saying Cassidi’s name when the end drew near. At first, I didn’t know what to think of that. But the more I thought about it, the more the following theory unfolded. I mentioned my Mom died in February 2006. She actually died on Daytona 500 Sunday. She loved Nascar, so that was a significant day for her. While Kelly didn’t care about Nascar, she also died on Daytona 500 Sunday. Through that connection and the many others they shared, I firmly believe Mom was there trying to help Kelly cross over. And Kelly being the social butterfly that she was, was trying to tell Mom that she had just seen Cassidi. That sounds so much like something Kelly would do. “Hey Reba, you look great! I got to see Cassidi just the other day. You’d be so proud of her”.

I know Kelly is in a place where there is no more suffering, no more pain, no more cancer. I also know she’d much rather be here with her boys battling cancer than the alternative. But life doesn’t always give us those choices. I miss my friend Kelly Noel Combs Necessary. It hurts to have to tell her goodbye. It hurts that she had to accept goodbye. Goodbye is a feeling that breaks the heart. But she will forever be in our souls. May you rest in peace my dear friend and know that your legacy lives on.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/kellycombsnecessary

http://www.legacy.com/bdtonline/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=139757043