Type A Minus

This morning I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day. So far this spring, that’s been a rarity unfortunately. I, like so many others, need sunshine to motivate me. It put me in the frame of mind to be productive today vs. a slug. I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog and just what I want to accomplish with it. My original intent is to use it as a platform to hone my writing skills in preparation for writing a book. It will also give me a gauge to determine how many people have any interest in things I have to say. That statement sort of sets me back a bit, as it sounds so self centered and arrogant. Unfortunately, those two adjectives have been used more than once to describe me along my journey. And it’s those sorts of behaviors that, through the help of others, I became painfully aware of that fueled my desire to become a different person.

I often try to dissect the person that I was and the person that I’m trying to become. Questions such as “How did I get this way”, “Why didn’t I change earlier”, and “How do I know if the person I’m trying to become is any better than what I was” crop up frequently. Not to mention the ever dreaded thought of “Have I really changed or am I just fooling myself”. These taunts bounce around like a ping pong ball in my head when I allow them. But the “growing” part is when I allow myself to brave the answers from myself and more importantly, from others.

As far as “How I got this way”, I don’t have to look far. I am the youngest of five children with a nine and a half year age range. The closest sibling to me is four years older. If you look at research that psychologists have done related to birth order, I’m a first born, last born, and only child all rolled into one – AKA – attention seeker! Also, having older siblings taught me many do’s and don’ts. I learned very early what got positive feedback and what got negative feedback from those in authority. I preferred the positive feedback MUCH better. That turned me into a “pleaser at all costs” kid. I quickly learned to manipulate to give the perception that I was pleasing even when I wasn’t. A lifetime of pleasing with positive outcomes is very addictive!

I am a perfectionist and extremely judgmental. Competitiveness runs through my core in nearly every aspect of my existence. I have to be the BEST at everything. I hold everyone to the same high standards that I place on myself. And when they don’t meet those standards, I can be VERY brutal. These are things I can say about myself now. It has taken me a LONG time to see these things in myself and even longer not be defensive when they’re said. However, it’s similar to the “only I can call my baby ugly” logic – I can say it but it’s still hard at times to hear it from others. The saying “hindsight is always 20-20” could never be more true in my case for the “Why didn’t I change earlier” question.

When I was a child, I was full steam ahead, no holds barred. I never let an obstacle stand in my way of achieving exactly what I wanted. I never held myself accountable for misfortunes and had plenty of blame to pass around to any innocent bystander who happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. This is still one of the character traits I struggle with. But I didn’t like the words NO or CAN’T or DON’T. I just ploughed through whatever walls I hit or rewrote the rules when they didn’t suit me. That only worked for so long.

When I was in 7th grade, I began hearing of the National Honor Society. Of course this sounded like a VERY “pleasing” group, and one I wanted to know more about. I found out it was a group of students that exemplified honor and intelligence. Well, all I really heard was the intelligence part. I immediately assumed I’d be part of the group because I made straight As in school. I am one of those annoying folks that never has to crack a book for the most part to make an A. I have a photographic memory, so I can see the answers on a page in a book or on a page of my notes. But I digress. Anyway, I felt I was a shoe in. However, in 8th grade when the names were announced for the NHS, mine was not included. I could not believe it! There must have been some sort of mistake! No teacher ever let me know what happened directly, but I got the hint from a couple.

As I alluded to earlier, I thought I was very perceptive. In school, I thought I knew what made a person popular as opposed to unpopular. I was a bully, cussed, and essentially forced people to like me. Gosh only knows how many really despised me and simply tolerated me. But this behavior caught the eye of more than one teacher. And those teachers decided to send me a message by not inducting me into the NHS. I really wish that one of them would have sat me down to mentor me - to help me see the error in my ways. It would have helped me learn some lessons so much sooner in life. But looking back, I’m sure no amount of talking to me would have changed things – which they probably already knew!

When I was that age, I didn’t really know any better. I was oblivious to the politics of the world and my battering ram style of course didn’t suit well. Another unfortunate aspect of this whole situation was that my Mom thought I was wonderful! She couldn’t understand why I had not been inducted (because she never saw the BRAT I was with everyone else). I think she ended up doing some snooping around and between what she found and what I got as hints from teachers and fellow students, we knew it was my “dishonorable” behavior that excluded me. I of course never took any accountability and labeled the teachers and those inducted as “ignorant”, and I unaware of what they were missing out on by excluding me.

There were various incidents like that along my path. I assumed I was great, but then I didn’t always live up to that greatness. I loved track and hoped for a scholarship to college. I continued to make good grades through school and hoped for academic scholarships. A little irony is that just before my junior year, we moved to Tazewell, and there they inducted me into the NHS. I continually found rewards in spite of my dishonorable conduct. I partied my way through school and even led kids in the “good girls club” over to the dark side. I think back on those days and cringe.

But my luck was soon to change. As a senior in high school, I found out I was pregnant in early March. Tony and I were married later the same month. At that point, I figured all my hopes of achieving the lofty goals I had set for myself were gone. It was pretty hard to find anyone but myself to blame for the dreams unfulfilled. And I know the school administration had to be searching for any scenario possible to avoid having me give my salutatory speech while being four months pregnant!

In spite of the humiliation of what I considered failing to achieve my dreams, I managed to pick myself up and persevere. Fortunately Tony’s parents insisted on sending him to college. We moved to Boone and he started school that fall. I finally started 2 years later. And even in college I managed to plough my way through getting what I wanted, clicking anyone and everyone in the forehead as I scrambled up the ladder of success.

Success. What a funny word. Each and every one of us defines it differently. Each and every one of us measure each other based on our own definition. It’s like an opinion. Everyone has one, but they’re not always accurate. When I went to college, I wanted to major in Archaeology and History. I wanted to go dig up King Tut’s tomb and then write about it in an encyclopedia. That was my definition of success. But once I started down that path, Tony said “But that will not make any money”. What I heard was that since my definition of success didn’t include the aspect of money, it was inadequate. So, my next career choice had to involve making a lot of money. At the time, computers were just coming to the forefront. Tony was majoring in computer programming with a business focus, so why shouldn’t I?! And just like that, I was off to the races.

Entering into that arena exposed me to some highly competitive people. Remember my comment on competitiveness. I would not be outdone. I took more hours than most of my classmates, worked part time, and oh, don’t forget I had a baby at home and a husband. All while expecting nothing less than an A in every class. I finished up magna cum laude after 3 years of non-stop schooling, summers included. By the time I finished college, I was a full fledged arrogant, self centered, ladder climbing machine. It didn’t help that I was hired by one of the most competitive companies in North Carolina in one of their primo job opportunities. The ironic part is that I had no idea that’s what the job entailed. I thought I was just another employee of NCNB (what is now Bank of America after many years of mergers and acquisitions).
I picked up on the elite-ness of the program about a month or two into it. I had been hired into a program that fast tracked employees into general management. Well, that was the goal anyway. They offered various training opportunities to build our skills, both work related and politically. This program more than any other phase of my life pointed out just how much my competitive and self centered nature held me back. Looking back on it now, I see it perfectly. And yet again, at the time, I was blind to it.

While I originally felt getting pregnant with Jennifer was a failure, I realized what a blessing she was. When I finished college, got a steady job, and didn’t see myself progressing in the company the way I had imagined, I focused on expanding our family. Tony didn’t quite see it the same way, but after 4 years of coercion, we were blessed with Cassidi. My personality started to shift a bit, but I was still a ruthless witch.

Then an amazing thing happened. I met an angel that drug me kicking and screaming back to earth from my perch on the success ladder. It was a good friend that saw something better in me than I saw in myself. Over the years, I have created many antagonistic friendships. This friendship was no exception. We could argue until we were blue in the face, but we always brought out the best in each other. This friend helped me see the good that existed within me, while at the same time, could highlight the areas that I needed to work on.

While I’ve described for you all the negative qualities of my personality, I haven’t shared some of the positive ones. Again, these are qualities I can see clearly now, but didn’t see then. Just like negative feedback, I didn’t really like getting positive feedback either. Strange I know, but it made me feel very uncomfortable to hear praise.

I have a HUGE heart. I’d give someone that needed it, the shirt off of my back. I have this tender, mushy center that hardly anyone ever gets to see because of the hard as nails persona I exude. I’m an incurable mother hen that takes anyone in need under my wing and tries to protect them. I’m as loyal as the day is long and quite possibly as naïve. I LOVE to do for others and put a smile on faces. But somehow in the midst of my pursuit of becoming the first female president, I lost touch with those qualities. As with everything, there’s a balance. Go too far right, and you’re a radical. Go too far left and you’re a libertarian. I was definitely far from center, but not entirely sure in which direction.

I say all of this to get to the point that I never really realized how far off center I was. I got lots of conflicting signals in my lust for success – salutatorian in high school (albeit a bare foot and pregnant one!), magna cum laude in college, primo upper management grooming job right out of college. No one ever really sat me down and said “Hey, the world does NOT revolve around you!” Tony tried. But of course because he’s my husband, he doesn’t count! In addition to that, for the longest time, I completely disrespected him and did not see him for the angel he is. He was just another person to compete with.

But finally, I saw it. I was probably 30 when it all came into view. 30 long years!! I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all those people out there that I offended and hurt along the way. Snide remarks that I made. Disrespectful actions that I took. The list of people is long: my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my husband, my children, my in-laws, my friends, my enemies, my neighbors, my classmates, my teachers, my co-workers. The list could go on and on. I truly am sorry.

Sometimes I relapse into the “old” Machelle. Situations will come up where I get anal retentive about scheduling, planning, or organizing. Or I’ll negatively judge someone that has done something that I do not feel is appropriate. When I get thoroughly engaged in the situation, something clicks, and I step back to try and see the bigger picture. Being a libra helps me see the multiple facets of a situation. But now that I can self monitor my CRAZY factor, it’s an added benefit. I can usually reign myself in fairly well. But there are times when those around me have to help.

They know the “old” Machelle all too well. And they definitely don’t like her very much. My oldest daughter went off to college and came home one time to the “new” Machelle. She looked at me inquisitively and said, “Who are you and what did you do with my mother?!” Of course the next thing that came out of here mouth was, “But let’s not find her because I like this one MUCH better!” Friends that I haven’t seen in a long time have the same reaction. The majority of them cannot believe the transformation and it’s almost a game to see if they can goad the “old” Machelle out. Sometimes they do, sometimes I just let them think they do. Once I could see how the “old” Machelle operated, it’s entertaining to whip her out of the closet now and again. When you get her wound up, the flashing bell, whistle, and light show is entertaining to watch. If ever I get lost in the transformation, all I have to do is remember people’s reactions to the “old” vs. “new” Machelle to let me know I’m moving in the right direction.

It’s the same for knowing I really have changed. When I see people from long ago, they never quite know what to make of the “new” Machelle. There’s always a discussion that revolves around my transformation. And lots of puzzled looks. And even with those that have been around me the entire time, I’ll stop them in their tracks with a response that’s much more sublime than over the top. They’ll do a double take, furrow their brow, and get that quizzical cock of the head - similar to the way a puppy looks at you when he’s wondering why he’s being scolded for ripping the toilet paper to shreds. I LOVE the “new” Machelle. I especially loved it last summer when Tony asked me where the “list” was before we headed out for vacation. The “old” Machelle would have had every detailed planned out and all he would have had to do was “belly up to the bar” as I often accuse him of doing. I nicely informed him that there was no list. It was great getting to see all his flashing bell, whistle, and light show! Nothing like turning the tables, huh?!
I’m a firm believer that our hearts are only so big. And when we fill them with hatred and negativity, there is less room for love and positivity. In pursuing my definition of success, my heart was filling more and more with hatred and negativity. It was a heavy burden to carry and one that made me very ill. Becoming aware of how I was contributing to that made me do an about face. My goal became about filling my heart entirely with the love and positivity.

I feel it takes the school of hard knocks to teach us the lessons that are most important in life. I had to travel this road to realize there is a better way of life. Some people have the good grace about them to make their way with very few road bumps in their path. I admire these people. They are the angels in the world. But many times, when you look a little bit closer at their lives, you find that they’ve had their share of challenges. None of us are immune to it. I think it’s the ability to make mistakes, to learn from them, and then have the courage to share the knowledge gained from the experience that creates those angels. I like to think of myself as an angel with butterfly wings and I hope that through my experiences, others can find a better way for themselves.

While I’ve traveled a long journey on this crazy path called life, I know there is no specific destination. I will continue to evolve and grow and mature. Life would be so boring otherwise. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s boring. I have to keep up my end of the deal in providing entertainment alongside my husband and all of his mis-adventures (more stories to come on that one).

One final loose end to tie up. When Jennifer, my oldest daughter, was home recently, we were discussing the whole type A vs. type B personality traits. We analyzed each of the four of us sharing how we felt we fell on the personality scale. I often joke that I’m a recovering type A. But she put it more simply. I am an A minus - and that isn’t so bad.