Finding Sunnier Skies

She lay in bed staring up at the ceiling watching the flashing neon sign from the corner store cast a shadow across the length of her studio apartment room. How many sleepless nights had she done this? Far too many to count. And just like the last time she allowed herself to traverse this mental obstacle course, she came to the same conclusion. The number didn’t matter. The point was that it was long past the time she should be fast asleep dreaming of the prince charming that would sweep her off her feet and ride her off into the sunset.

She despised these tortuous nights. Mostly because they inevitably led to a tortuous day to follow. She told herself the last time this happened, she was going to do something about it. But the something got lost in the panic that ensued the next day at work when her laptop’s hard drive crashed and erased all the process documents she had created that were in final edits. Fortunately, her company does nightly back ups and the documents were recovered. But not without wasting an entire day talking to every technology geek in the data archiving department to figure out just how to recover them.

That seemed to be how her life went these days. Heck, who was she kidding? Since birth she seemed to have her own personal black cloud that would erupt in a thunder storm at the drop of a hat. She inherited it from her Dad. He often joked that “life would be far too boring is you didn’t have a black could day now and again”. From her various misadventure experiences, she was more than willing to “return to sender” her black cloud and test his theory – if only she could manage the packaging of it.

But back to the point. She was not going to let her wandering mind lead her astray again tonight. She had learned a trick in yoga class to help with just this kind of problem. Close your eyes, deep breath in, even deeper breath out. She could do. She willed herself to. Just like the instructor cooed, “Count to 4 on the inhale; count to 8 on the exhale. Sink into your mat. Let your mind, body, and soul relax – rest. Give yourself permission to unravel. Breathe. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…”

The next thing she heard was the alarm clock blaring. Wow! It had been a long time since she’d heard that noise. She usually woke no less than 5 minutes before its daily trumpeting, probably due to how much she disliked the treacherous sound it made. She must have slapped the clock with reasonably good aim, because it was silenced on the first whack. Not bad for an out of practice alarm clock junkie. She threw back the worn quilt her grandmother had left her and slowly rolled out of bed. Waking up had to be the hardest part of the day hands down. She shuffled her way to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. With as slowly as she was moving today, she’d definitely need a jolt of java to get her going. It was time to get her butt in gear and face the day.

There were many things she loved about her apartment. The tall ceilings, the wide open layout, the wood floors, the huge windows. It had a coziness to it despite having once been the backroom sweat shop for a dry cleaning business. She furnished it with big, bulky antique furniture to fill the space. She loved its proximity to all the necessities in life, including her work which was just 5 short blocks away.

Some days that was a blessing, while others it was a curse. She allowed herself to be sucked into the vortex of climbing the corporate ladder too easily. Because she was not married, did not have any children, lived close by, and by all accounts, didn’t have a life, she was always the logical choice when an emergency arose. All of this diligence gave the impression that she was career minded. Managers loved that she volunteered to work holidays, weekends, and pretty much around the clock when a schedule dictated it.

Meanwhile, she loved the feeling of being needed. She hadn’t really given any consideration to advancing in the company. It just happened. She had been given promotion after promotion over the years. A month earlier, she had been promoted to Division Manager of the Process Reengineering Department and given 5 teams of associates to manage totally 100 headcount. While that sounds staggering, it came with a 20% raise and an additional week of vacation. It all sounded very rewarding and glamorous, but one short month already had her in a funk and questioning just what her purpose was here on this planet.

Annie Woodriff, 29 years old, division manager, apartment dweller, unmarried, and reasonably lonely. She wasn’t unattractive by any means. She had dated her fair share of men. Unfortunately, none of which fulfilled her definition of “the one”. However, she couldn’t pin down exactly what that definition would be if her life depended upon it. And it wasn’t just men that were missing from her life. She hadn’t had a “best friend” since college. Working like a maniac wasn’t very conducive to having a love or social life.

She had her parents, little sister, and little brother (well if you can call 25 and 21 little). But they all had their own lives and encouraged her to pursue hers to the fullest. Her Mom had given her the advice to delay marriage, children, and settling down in general until she was 30. “Go out and explore the world, yourself, life. Don’t leave room for any regrets,” her Mom had chided. With just a few short months of reaching that milestone, it looked like she’d fulfill her Mom’s request without any problems. However, thinking back to the end of high school when her Mom had started saying these things, she never imagined she’d have listened! For one, her Mom was “way stupid” back then and for another, she loved kids and wanted to be a young Mom like her own.

But the first year of college passed in a flash. The next thing she knew, she was graduating college and starting her job. Then one year of work turned into five. She’d lost count of just how many years she had been working now. The days all ran together and many times when she went to write the year, she really had to stop and contemplate just what year it was. Again, these were things her Mom had warned her of. And again, those were the discussions she ignored.
So, with her Mom being right on so many counts, maybe there was some validity to this 30 year old plan. Would 31 be too old? Was all the magic in 30? If she missed it, would she ever get another chance? UGH! Too many questions, not enough answers.