Today I was just bebopping through the grocery store minding my own business and shopping away. I had gotten everything on my list but one thing. I don't frequent this particular store and couldn't find the right isle. I had turned around to back track a bit. That was where I made my mistake.
One of Cassidi's best friends' Dad works at this store. I nearly ran over him when I turned around. I stopped to talk about the girls and the dwindling days until they leave. Rachel is who Cass was to room with at George Mason. He commented that he wished they were still going to school together. And that's when it hit me. Like a TON of bricks.
I said whatever I could to excuse myself, because I could feel the hot brim of tears about to explode from my eyes. I have no idea what I said to him. Or if I even said anything. Gosh knows he's probably still standing there holding the boxes he was repositioning wondering what he said to run me off. You know that deer in the head lights look guys get!
Anyway, I started talking to myself as soon as I left him to calm down and just make it through the checkout line. If I could just get to the car, everything would be just fine. I rounded the corner of the aisle and the tears were streaming down my face. I found that evasive last item on my list, wiped my face, and bolted for the shortest lane.
I kept my head down avoiding eye contact. Gosh knows they probably thought I was stealing something. I didn't think about that until just now. My bank now has a sign that you can't wear sunglasses, a hat, or a hoodie while inside. Bizarre list if you're not a bank robber I guess! I'd have given anything to have one of them while I was standing in that line on the verge of meltdown!
All this while I've told myself I'm ready. That I'm going to be okay. That sure I'll be sad, but hey, when does the party begin! I had convinced myself that I've prepared for Cass leaving just fine. But I haven't been preparing to let all the other kids go, too.
This same thing happened at graduation. I was being a big girl and everything about seeing Cassidi through to the end. But then I got to thinking of all of her friends. That's when I lost it then, too.
I realize that her friends are just an extension of her. She doesn't exist without them and they don't exist without her in this growing up process she's done. I am going to miss the sleep overs, the rides home after basketball games, the vacations that they've tagged along to, and being just as proud of them in their endeavors as I have been of her.
So as I prepare in these last three weeks before she leaves, I know my task has grown. I have to be ready to watch all of them fly from their nests. Things will never be the same. That's the beauty of life. We all grow, we all change, we all mature.
Meltdowns occur so new things can be formed from them. But the important piece to remember is that we are all the same inside no matter what shape we take once we melt. I hope that when they all come home to visit, somehow I'll make it on their list of someone to see. And if not, I hope they know I'll carry a piece of them in my heart forever.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Zero
My brain is full of thoughts and words, but none of them are forming into anything worth writing about tonight. After being off work for nearly two weeks, I'm back at it starting tomorrow. It's going to be an exhausting week from the looks of the schedule. I hope I got lots of rest on those days off!!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Stars
I love gazing at them. I have been enamored with them since I was a little girl. I always think of a time with my brother when I look at stars.
I was probably 10 or 11. We had a wood shed in the back yard. He would sneak up there, lay on his back, and look at the sky. One night he let me join him. He's 4 years older than me, and he was my hero. I wanted to grow up and be him. So, to get to hang out with him was great for me.
As we laid there, he would point out stars and clusters of them. If I couldn't find what he was referring to, he tried to show me. He stretch out his arm and measure with his thumb. Of course when I tried to do it, the measurement wasn't the same with my scrawny arm. He got irritated with me and it was time for me to go inside.
That happened a lot when I was little. I talked ALL the time. He and my Dad would roll their eyes when I'd happen upon them doing something and want to join in. They were the two greatest men in my life so I tried to do whatever I could with them. Meanwhile, they didn't want a chatterbox tagalong.
As I got older, I talked a little less. Very little. I still chatter away to anyone that will listen. Now it's usually Tony that has to listen as we're soaking in the hot tub gazing at stars. He has definitely achieved the greatest man category in my life these days. For one, he puts up with my talking. And the other, he likes to star gaze with me. Can't beat a man like that!
I was probably 10 or 11. We had a wood shed in the back yard. He would sneak up there, lay on his back, and look at the sky. One night he let me join him. He's 4 years older than me, and he was my hero. I wanted to grow up and be him. So, to get to hang out with him was great for me.
As we laid there, he would point out stars and clusters of them. If I couldn't find what he was referring to, he tried to show me. He stretch out his arm and measure with his thumb. Of course when I tried to do it, the measurement wasn't the same with my scrawny arm. He got irritated with me and it was time for me to go inside.
That happened a lot when I was little. I talked ALL the time. He and my Dad would roll their eyes when I'd happen upon them doing something and want to join in. They were the two greatest men in my life so I tried to do whatever I could with them. Meanwhile, they didn't want a chatterbox tagalong.
As I got older, I talked a little less. Very little. I still chatter away to anyone that will listen. Now it's usually Tony that has to listen as we're soaking in the hot tub gazing at stars. He has definitely achieved the greatest man category in my life these days. For one, he puts up with my talking. And the other, he likes to star gaze with me. Can't beat a man like that!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Torrential Downpours
This summer has been FULL of rain. We had a few days of dry warmth. But for the most part we have existed in a humid rain forest. On the positive side, it has served to make everything lush and green. On the negative side, my body aches in its old age and our satellite and Internet frequently are MIA.
The sound of rain on a tin roof is very comforting. We've opened the windows to listen to the steady rhythm on more than one occasion. It can be very romantic when we allow it. I guess the disadvantages of forced quiet time might not be so bad after all.
The sound of rain on a tin roof is very comforting. We've opened the windows to listen to the steady rhythm on more than one occasion. It can be very romantic when we allow it. I guess the disadvantages of forced quiet time might not be so bad after all.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Enjoyment
Enjoyment has come to me in different ways throughout my life. When I was younger, it had more to do with things, places traveled, and accomplishments achieved. Today it has far more to do with the simple things in life.
Today is day two of our vacation. We haven't stepped foot outside of the yard. Tony and Cass did go to town yesterday to run an errand. But we have stayed close to home. I've always said we live in paradise and leaving never makes any sense.
One of the greatest joys these days is watching Tony rest. He has been sleeping in and waking up rested. He goes so much that any time he slows down, I'm grateful.
Cassidi has come out of her dungeon on a couple of occasions to spend time with us. She and Tony were out on the tractor today. As they drove by once, I saw a glimpse of the little girl she once was. The two of them have spent a great deal of time together over the years. She'll do well to marry a man like him one of these days.
The next few days will not hold the big fancy family vacation we had originally planned for Cassidi's graduation. But it will hold the important things in life - the family I cherish and the slow pace that lets me enjoy them.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Dear Mr. President
It pains me to have to call him such. But out of respect of the office, I do. In my opinion, he is not worthy of the title. And his recent actions only further confirm my belief.
And before all my race haters get fired up, let me be the first to tell you it has NOTHING to do with the color of the man's skin. As I've said before, I don't even consider him black. How anyone can look at him and see black is beyond me. More middle Eastern blood runs through his veins than anything.
The color of his skin nor his heritage disqualifies him from holding office. I could rant on about his nationality, but that horse was killed a while back. No sense wasting time now on any of that. One of these days the truth will come out, and we'll all shake our heads in disbelief.
But that day will come long after he has divided the people of this great nation and bankrupt it. To gain office, he drove a wedge between the "haves" and the "have nots". In his first term, he did his level best to implement socialism by increasing the number of people depending upon the government. That move ensured his reelection. There are far fewer of us contributing to the system these days than those of us taking from it. Our national debt is evidence of that.
The race relations in this country have seriously declined in the last five years since he has taken office. He encourages us to not use stereotypes to categorize ourselves or each other. However, he continually interjects himself into situations that have race at the core, baiting the races against each other.
In the beginning, to say Martin could have been his son only served to incite the blacks against the system. Once the verdict came down, he at first encouraged the nation to unite to find a solution to avoid the tragedy from ever happening again. But yesterday he changed his tone. Now Martin could have been him 35 years ago. Now he's been racially profiled, like all black males, his entire life until he became "famous".
As the executive of the judicial system, his job is to support the due process of the law. He is supposed to be the source of balance in this country when we are unstable. His personal feelings, experiences, and desires are not to interfere with his duty of being the leader of this country.
Does racism exist? Yes. But so does discrimination of homosexuals, foreigners, North vs. South, Jews, Muslims, females, uneducated people... The list goes on and on. Everyone of us has probably been discriminated against in one way or another somewhere along the way. We could dwell on our differences to the point of alienating everyone in our lives if we let ourselves.
But the common thread of us being Americans is what should unite us. And we should be able to depend upon the president of the United States to lead us in that endeavor. Was he a civil rights lawyer at one point in his life fighting social injustice? Yes. But that was then. This is now! If he does not feel compelled to do that, then he should step down. We need a leader, not an inciter of civil war.
So, Dear Mr. President. Do your job, or go home, wherever that may be!
And before all my race haters get fired up, let me be the first to tell you it has NOTHING to do with the color of the man's skin. As I've said before, I don't even consider him black. How anyone can look at him and see black is beyond me. More middle Eastern blood runs through his veins than anything.
The color of his skin nor his heritage disqualifies him from holding office. I could rant on about his nationality, but that horse was killed a while back. No sense wasting time now on any of that. One of these days the truth will come out, and we'll all shake our heads in disbelief.
But that day will come long after he has divided the people of this great nation and bankrupt it. To gain office, he drove a wedge between the "haves" and the "have nots". In his first term, he did his level best to implement socialism by increasing the number of people depending upon the government. That move ensured his reelection. There are far fewer of us contributing to the system these days than those of us taking from it. Our national debt is evidence of that.
The race relations in this country have seriously declined in the last five years since he has taken office. He encourages us to not use stereotypes to categorize ourselves or each other. However, he continually interjects himself into situations that have race at the core, baiting the races against each other.
In the beginning, to say Martin could have been his son only served to incite the blacks against the system. Once the verdict came down, he at first encouraged the nation to unite to find a solution to avoid the tragedy from ever happening again. But yesterday he changed his tone. Now Martin could have been him 35 years ago. Now he's been racially profiled, like all black males, his entire life until he became "famous".
As the executive of the judicial system, his job is to support the due process of the law. He is supposed to be the source of balance in this country when we are unstable. His personal feelings, experiences, and desires are not to interfere with his duty of being the leader of this country.
Does racism exist? Yes. But so does discrimination of homosexuals, foreigners, North vs. South, Jews, Muslims, females, uneducated people... The list goes on and on. Everyone of us has probably been discriminated against in one way or another somewhere along the way. We could dwell on our differences to the point of alienating everyone in our lives if we let ourselves.
But the common thread of us being Americans is what should unite us. And we should be able to depend upon the president of the United States to lead us in that endeavor. Was he a civil rights lawyer at one point in his life fighting social injustice? Yes. But that was then. This is now! If he does not feel compelled to do that, then he should step down. We need a leader, not an inciter of civil war.
So, Dear Mr. President. Do your job, or go home, wherever that may be!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Heartbroken
Tonight I received heartbreaking news. Until the family makes it public, I am going to make an unspoken prayer request for them. I will say that there is a family that has already had to endure great pain that got terrible news yet again today. I pray for their peace and understanding. I pray for their aching hearts. I pray for healing. Please join me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
