Chernobyl

Today I was just bebopping through the grocery store minding my own business and shopping away. I had gotten everything on my list but one thing. I don't frequent this particular store and couldn't find the right isle. I had turned around to back track a bit. That was where I made my mistake.

One of Cassidi's best friends' Dad works at this store. I nearly ran over him when I turned around. I stopped to talk about the girls and the dwindling days until they leave. Rachel is who Cass was to room with at George Mason. He commented that he wished they were still going to school together. And that's when it hit me. Like a TON of bricks.

I said whatever I could to excuse myself, because I could feel the hot brim of tears about to explode from my eyes. I have no idea what I said to him. Or if I even said anything. Gosh knows he's probably still standing there holding the boxes he was repositioning wondering what he said to run me off. You know that deer in the head lights look guys get!

Anyway, I started talking to myself as soon as I left him to calm down and just make it through the checkout line. If I could just get to the car, everything would be just fine. I rounded the corner of the aisle and the tears were streaming down my face. I found that evasive last item on my list, wiped my face, and bolted for the shortest lane.

I kept my head down avoiding eye contact. Gosh knows they probably thought I was stealing something. I didn't think about that until just now. My bank now has a sign that you can't wear sunglasses, a hat, or a hoodie while inside. Bizarre list if you're not a bank robber I guess! I'd have given anything to have one of them while I was standing in that line on the verge of meltdown!

All this while I've told myself I'm ready. That I'm going to be okay. That sure I'll be sad, but hey, when does the party begin! I had convinced myself that I've prepared for Cass leaving just fine. But I haven't been preparing to let all the other kids go, too.

This same thing happened at graduation. I was being a big girl and everything about seeing Cassidi through to the end. But then I got to thinking of all of her friends. That's when I lost it then, too.

I realize that her friends are just an extension of her. She doesn't exist without them and they don't exist without her in this growing up process she's done. I am going to miss the sleep overs, the rides home after basketball games, the vacations that they've tagged along to, and being just as proud of them in their endeavors as I have been of her.

So as I prepare in these last three weeks before she leaves, I know my task has grown. I have to be ready to watch all of them fly from their nests. Things will never be the same. That's the beauty of life. We all grow, we all change, we all mature.

Meltdowns occur so new things can be formed from them. But the important piece to remember is that we are all the same inside no matter what shape we take once we melt. I hope that when they all come home to visit, somehow I'll make it on their list of someone to see. And if not, I hope they know I'll carry a piece of them in my heart forever.