The other day, I watched the movie Julie & Julia. At the beginning of the movie, I fell into her thinking of "will I ever accomplish the goals I've set for myself". As the movie progressed, I really liked the concept of what she was trying to achieve. But at the end, when she got the call saying Julia didn't approve of what she was doing, a little black cloud began to set over my head. I ended the movie on an upbeat note though, trying to block out the cloud.
Later, as usual, I had to do some google searching to satisfy my curiosity. What I found started to bother me. Julie never did get to me Julia. And it's reported that Julia truly did not like what Julie was trying to accomplish. She felt it was just a stunt because she was not a true cook interested in the art of cooking, but just a nobody trying to gain attention to get a book deal. It was hard to argue with Julia's reasoning, based on the little I knew about the endeavor from the movie. It caused me to dig deeper.
Turns out Julia wasn't the only Julie hater. She used a lot of profanity on her site and it offended many people. One site even claimed that once she became "famous" it opened the door to slamming her just because (gosh knows we've seen that happen countless times). I found some information on her new book where she became a butcher, and that's the basis of it. To me, it seemed like she was willing to don any hat to add to her celebrity.
Also in the new book, she details an affair she had after the first book's success. It seemed the more I researched her, the more I disliked her. I guess I fell into the same trap many people do - celebrity worship. From the movie, I only saw the innocence in her project and personality. Now that I've learned all this new information, it seems there was a WHOLE lot left out. This really got me riled as I felt misled.
And then I had to step back. Why was my negative, judgmental bone flaring up? Where was my Libra "see both sides of every story" self? I tried to refocus my perspective and find some good.
It also turns out her husband cheated on her somewhere after the first book. Who knows if his or hers was the retaliation. But nonetheless, she's admitted that the marriage was broken, and they had to decide if they wanted to really fix it or not. Fortunately, unlike many celebrities, they have decided to stay together. I found that very endearing. After thinking about it, I realized I had fallen into the mode of hero worship during the movie. I know better than to do that with all the celebrities that have fallen off their pedestals along the way (Tiger Woods, the most notorious of them all of late).
Once I realized she is just as human as me and puts her pants on the same way all the rest of us do, I calmed down. Why shouldn't she be exploring careers to fuel her writing? Don't most writers do research for their writing projects?! Her story is the same rags to riches story of so many. Sure, she sort of road on the coat tails of Julia (and yes, it would have been way more cool if she had had her blessings), but who knew she'd gain the fame she did?! Was she not pursuing the American Dream? Fame, fortune, and glory.
And that's when I realized what my real issue was. In pursuing my own writing project, I've tried desperately to squelch the egotistical maniac that brews within my true type A personality. Sure, I've tried everything under the sun to become more type B. I've been an "all about me", "look what I can do", "look Mom, no hands" kind of person my whole life. In my youth and early adulthood, I had no idea how much it offended people. I was just trying to please. But now that I know, I make every attempt to sidestep it.
Our world is filled with self serving, egotistical, "what's in it for me" people these days. You don't have to look far to discover the root of our country's problems today. Everyone is more concerned with how something is going to impact them and could care less how it impacts the whole. The American Dream caters to that mentality. We have My Space, Facebook, and Twitter that are all platforms for individuals to feed their egos. I mean, do we really need to know the minute my minute playby of ANY persons life?! It's classic self centeredness to the core.
So, where does that leave me in my pursuit to write a book? I've teetered on the fence many times about this. A book is MY thought, MY opinions, MY project. It's my desire to see what others think about MY skills. With this blog, I thrust myself out into cyberspace waiting to see the site visit count increase, for someone to post a comment, or to see the follower list grow. It makes me truly wonder if my heart is in the right place. I don't want to become another Julie Powell that defines her success by how many books she sells.
Again, do I continue this pursuit? Realizing there is all of that negative that can be had, I also understand there is also a positive. I know my heart, and I know it wants to give good. I know I don't have any malice or ill will associated with... well anything that I do. The majority of what I'm trying to accomplish is to share my feelings. I'm not a news commentator that is trying to sway the masses to one side of the coin or the other. I'm simply expressing my emotions in words. If by sharing how I feel, someone can find the ability to cope better with a situation they're dealing with, then I've succeeded.
I guess it's human nature to help others, and in some way, have the satisfaction of knowing that you've helped them. Maybe writing a book is not really the goal I should be pursuing, as it does seem to have the potential to soil my original intent. I guess I'll just have to continue down this path of this journey called life (no pun intended!) to see where it leads me. In the mean time, thank you to those of you reading.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snow
Even as a young child, I've always liked snow. Big, white, fluffy flakes falling out of the sky. But probably the thing I love the most is that each and every flake is different - just like our finger prints. When learning about snow in elementary school, that is the thing that stuck in my mind about snow the most! EVERY SINGLE FLAKE IS DIFFERENT. Think about that. That is truly amazing. This year we've gotten tons of snow. How is each and every flake unique?! I still don't believe it. There has to be some duplication somewhere, right?! Ah the pessimist in me...
Snow in adulthood has changed meaning totally. At one time in my life, it meant delays or closings - no work for me and no school for the kids. Sometimes it was welcomed, and others a nuisance. But generally, I've always succumbed to the romantic nature of bundling up to go outside and play in a winter wonderland. Who doesn't enjoy making snow angels, snow men, icy forts, and sledding?! And what about laying your head back with your mouth opened wide to catch an ice crystal or two? Oh the joys of snow. One of the best parts is coming inside, frozen to the core, to eat warm soup and drink hot chocolate. And it's even better if there's a roaring fire to thaw in front of.
Yesterday as I was out shoveling, my mind was idly wandering as usual. I was thinking about how everyone seems to be done with winter and snow this year. Snow scrooges as I like to call them. And I was formulating the argument of just how wonderful snow is. I first thought of just what snow is - water. In other seasons, like the dead of summer, water (rain) is much welcomed. Then that led my thoughts to the wonderful smell that permeates the environment after a summer squall. Cleansing, that's what rain and snow are about. It's no coincidence that water when frozen is pure white. Blanketed in snow, even a cow pile is clean!
My Mom was one of the biggest detractors of snow in her later years. She didn't like the cold or the inconvenience that it brought. But in her death, which was 4 years ago this month, she gave me the gift of snow three separate times in one week. As a result, snow is VERY special to me now, and especially in the month of February!
Mom died of a heart attack Sunday, February 19, 2006. Of course we had warning signs, but none of us were looking. She was our solid rock that not a single one of us would have ever imagined expiring from this world. While she was so busy caring for everyone else, she failed to care for herself - a common ailment of a mother.
The night she died, a snow storm was brewing along the east coast. Even in Charlotte, we were having bad weather. When I got the call she had died, they also told me I'd need to get there quickly as she was an organ donor, and they'd be coming soon to harvest her remains. In the moment, I decided I wanted to see her. We threw together what we'd need for the trip and took off toward West Virginia. As we drove, the weather progressively got worse.
All I could think about was how much Mom hated snow and now it was snow that was keeping me from her. It was as if we had a giant stop watch in the car with us ticking off the seconds as we watched the flakes pouring down in the glare of our headlights. Every delay meant I may not get to see her. I felt it and Tony felt it. Fortunately, Cassidi had fallen asleep in the back seat. She was only 10.
But as the time slipped by, I had more time to think. I have not lost many people in my life. But Mom had just lost her own mother less than a year before. Mamaw did not want to be on display in her death. Mom felt very strongly about supporting her wish. Although we never discussed how it made her feel related to her own death, I was left with the impression she would not want to be either. As I processed all of this as we drove, I realized that I did not want to see her afterall. I tried to convince Tony to just slow down and keep us safe. He got very emotional thinking that I should see her. But I was able to assure him that for me, it was the better solution, and thanks to Mom's intervention with the snow, I could see the conclusion clearly.
A few days before Mom died, a teenager at her church had died in a car accident. It was a tragic loss for her and the church as it was the pastor's daughter. The girl had wanted to be cremated. This led Mom and Dad to discussions, and they both decided they wanted to be cremated, too. I was not aware of these events, but Dad made sure her wishes were honored. We put together a memorial service at her church in lieu of a wake/funeral. We gathered as many family photos as we could to make a collage. In digging through all of the pictures, I found one that I felt was a true representation of her spirit. We blew that picture up and used it for the service. Family was the center of her universe so we had a flower arrangement that represented each of her 5 children, 14 grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren at the time of her death. Finally, God had been her savior through thick and thin, and her bible was never far from her reach. We used her bible as the true representation of her body as her ashes were not available as yet.
The second snow came the morning of her memorial service which was a Wednesday - a school day. She had so many friends that worked in the school system and children that she had taught Sunday school to over the years. With school canceled, they'd get the opportunity to attend her service. I remember waking up and thanking God and Mom for the snow yet again.
The week Mom died, I did my best to stay strong and depended upon my planning and organizing of things to keep my emotions at bay. Being a person that cries on Hallmark commercials, this was no easy task. I had my opportunities to grieve and took advantage of them when they arose. When I first walked into the house, I could not believe she wasn't there. I went through every room in the house calling for her. I just knew they had made a mistake and she really was there. My brother Randy followed me and held me as the realization hit that she truly was gone. That's a hard moment to remember.
The next time was the following day before the family all started coming in. I had not slept that whole night and was up with my sister Rhondella. We had nearly lost Dad the same night we lost Mom as he had heart palpitations in the hospital when they took her in. It was a scary thing to consider losing both parents in one fell swoop. Needless to say, I worried about him sleeping through the night. But morning came and all was well.
I was in his room straightening up and came to Mom's dresser. She always was a pack rat and a clutterbug. I started to straighten up things and the memories came flooding back. The dresser had a chunky wood base with a wooden frame around the mirror that had small drawers and shelves on both sides. As a kid, I remember being enamored with it as it as those little drawers were a good place to keep treasures. I liked snooping through it as a kid to see what they held.
This day as I looked through each item, I held them close to my heart as I realized they were something of significance to her because she had kept and placed them so lovingly in their own nook. No item had any significant dollar value really. There were things like a baseball counter from her umpiring days, a pendant marking weight loss in her TOPS days, a birth announcement from the paper folded haphazardly, etc. A stream of tears flooded my heart as I missed her spirit. What I wouldn't have given to have her standing beside me so I could ask the meaning of each and every item.
I was grateful for the hour or so that I had alone with her. I can remember praying that no one would find me as I walked through memory lane. Again, Mom was watching out for me and let me have the sanctuary. Even in her death, she was Mom!
As I mentioned, I was worried about Dad. I have the same, sometimes annoying, mother hen tendencies that my Mom had. Mom did nearly every domestic duty in their 47 years of marriage. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for him in losing her. The week we were there, I tried to help him as much as I could without getting in his way. Dad is a very strong and independent man. He did not ask for my help, nor did he probably want it. But in the hour of his most needful moment of life, I wanted to be there in case he did.
As the week progressed and we drew nearer to going home, I wondered how he was going to fare once all of us left and the house became empty. I toyed with the idea of staying behind for a week just in case he needed something. Tony said he'd support whatever decision I made. I was so torn. I knew he needed to start the grieving process that was was going to be so painful for him. I didn't want him to have to experience that alone. But at the same time, I knew he needed to walk the path to recovery. A jumble of emotions converging on my already broken heart. I didn't know which direction to take. That Saturday night, I was searching my soul for the answer.
The next morning, I needed only to look out the window for my answer. Snow. The last time I saw Mom was at Christmas. The morning we were to head home, a big snow storm was moving in. We had to leave earlier than we expected to avoid any bad road conditions. I knew this snow was Mom reassuring me that it was ok to go home. That Dad was going to be just fine, and I needed to get home to my own grieving.
In the four years of her absence, I've grown to love her more than I ever let her know while she was here. I now realize what an angel she was in so many aspects of my existence. When someone tells me I look like her, it warms my heart. When someone tells me I have her heart, it warms my soul. And when the storms of winter rage and blanket this Earth with cold, wet snow, I know my Mom is still watching over me. I love you Mom!
Snow in adulthood has changed meaning totally. At one time in my life, it meant delays or closings - no work for me and no school for the kids. Sometimes it was welcomed, and others a nuisance. But generally, I've always succumbed to the romantic nature of bundling up to go outside and play in a winter wonderland. Who doesn't enjoy making snow angels, snow men, icy forts, and sledding?! And what about laying your head back with your mouth opened wide to catch an ice crystal or two? Oh the joys of snow. One of the best parts is coming inside, frozen to the core, to eat warm soup and drink hot chocolate. And it's even better if there's a roaring fire to thaw in front of.
Yesterday as I was out shoveling, my mind was idly wandering as usual. I was thinking about how everyone seems to be done with winter and snow this year. Snow scrooges as I like to call them. And I was formulating the argument of just how wonderful snow is. I first thought of just what snow is - water. In other seasons, like the dead of summer, water (rain) is much welcomed. Then that led my thoughts to the wonderful smell that permeates the environment after a summer squall. Cleansing, that's what rain and snow are about. It's no coincidence that water when frozen is pure white. Blanketed in snow, even a cow pile is clean!
My Mom was one of the biggest detractors of snow in her later years. She didn't like the cold or the inconvenience that it brought. But in her death, which was 4 years ago this month, she gave me the gift of snow three separate times in one week. As a result, snow is VERY special to me now, and especially in the month of February!
Mom died of a heart attack Sunday, February 19, 2006. Of course we had warning signs, but none of us were looking. She was our solid rock that not a single one of us would have ever imagined expiring from this world. While she was so busy caring for everyone else, she failed to care for herself - a common ailment of a mother.
The night she died, a snow storm was brewing along the east coast. Even in Charlotte, we were having bad weather. When I got the call she had died, they also told me I'd need to get there quickly as she was an organ donor, and they'd be coming soon to harvest her remains. In the moment, I decided I wanted to see her. We threw together what we'd need for the trip and took off toward West Virginia. As we drove, the weather progressively got worse.
All I could think about was how much Mom hated snow and now it was snow that was keeping me from her. It was as if we had a giant stop watch in the car with us ticking off the seconds as we watched the flakes pouring down in the glare of our headlights. Every delay meant I may not get to see her. I felt it and Tony felt it. Fortunately, Cassidi had fallen asleep in the back seat. She was only 10.
But as the time slipped by, I had more time to think. I have not lost many people in my life. But Mom had just lost her own mother less than a year before. Mamaw did not want to be on display in her death. Mom felt very strongly about supporting her wish. Although we never discussed how it made her feel related to her own death, I was left with the impression she would not want to be either. As I processed all of this as we drove, I realized that I did not want to see her afterall. I tried to convince Tony to just slow down and keep us safe. He got very emotional thinking that I should see her. But I was able to assure him that for me, it was the better solution, and thanks to Mom's intervention with the snow, I could see the conclusion clearly.
A few days before Mom died, a teenager at her church had died in a car accident. It was a tragic loss for her and the church as it was the pastor's daughter. The girl had wanted to be cremated. This led Mom and Dad to discussions, and they both decided they wanted to be cremated, too. I was not aware of these events, but Dad made sure her wishes were honored. We put together a memorial service at her church in lieu of a wake/funeral. We gathered as many family photos as we could to make a collage. In digging through all of the pictures, I found one that I felt was a true representation of her spirit. We blew that picture up and used it for the service. Family was the center of her universe so we had a flower arrangement that represented each of her 5 children, 14 grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren at the time of her death. Finally, God had been her savior through thick and thin, and her bible was never far from her reach. We used her bible as the true representation of her body as her ashes were not available as yet.
The second snow came the morning of her memorial service which was a Wednesday - a school day. She had so many friends that worked in the school system and children that she had taught Sunday school to over the years. With school canceled, they'd get the opportunity to attend her service. I remember waking up and thanking God and Mom for the snow yet again.
The week Mom died, I did my best to stay strong and depended upon my planning and organizing of things to keep my emotions at bay. Being a person that cries on Hallmark commercials, this was no easy task. I had my opportunities to grieve and took advantage of them when they arose. When I first walked into the house, I could not believe she wasn't there. I went through every room in the house calling for her. I just knew they had made a mistake and she really was there. My brother Randy followed me and held me as the realization hit that she truly was gone. That's a hard moment to remember.
The next time was the following day before the family all started coming in. I had not slept that whole night and was up with my sister Rhondella. We had nearly lost Dad the same night we lost Mom as he had heart palpitations in the hospital when they took her in. It was a scary thing to consider losing both parents in one fell swoop. Needless to say, I worried about him sleeping through the night. But morning came and all was well.
I was in his room straightening up and came to Mom's dresser. She always was a pack rat and a clutterbug. I started to straighten up things and the memories came flooding back. The dresser had a chunky wood base with a wooden frame around the mirror that had small drawers and shelves on both sides. As a kid, I remember being enamored with it as it as those little drawers were a good place to keep treasures. I liked snooping through it as a kid to see what they held.
This day as I looked through each item, I held them close to my heart as I realized they were something of significance to her because she had kept and placed them so lovingly in their own nook. No item had any significant dollar value really. There were things like a baseball counter from her umpiring days, a pendant marking weight loss in her TOPS days, a birth announcement from the paper folded haphazardly, etc. A stream of tears flooded my heart as I missed her spirit. What I wouldn't have given to have her standing beside me so I could ask the meaning of each and every item.
I was grateful for the hour or so that I had alone with her. I can remember praying that no one would find me as I walked through memory lane. Again, Mom was watching out for me and let me have the sanctuary. Even in her death, she was Mom!
As I mentioned, I was worried about Dad. I have the same, sometimes annoying, mother hen tendencies that my Mom had. Mom did nearly every domestic duty in their 47 years of marriage. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for him in losing her. The week we were there, I tried to help him as much as I could without getting in his way. Dad is a very strong and independent man. He did not ask for my help, nor did he probably want it. But in the hour of his most needful moment of life, I wanted to be there in case he did.
As the week progressed and we drew nearer to going home, I wondered how he was going to fare once all of us left and the house became empty. I toyed with the idea of staying behind for a week just in case he needed something. Tony said he'd support whatever decision I made. I was so torn. I knew he needed to start the grieving process that was was going to be so painful for him. I didn't want him to have to experience that alone. But at the same time, I knew he needed to walk the path to recovery. A jumble of emotions converging on my already broken heart. I didn't know which direction to take. That Saturday night, I was searching my soul for the answer.
The next morning, I needed only to look out the window for my answer. Snow. The last time I saw Mom was at Christmas. The morning we were to head home, a big snow storm was moving in. We had to leave earlier than we expected to avoid any bad road conditions. I knew this snow was Mom reassuring me that it was ok to go home. That Dad was going to be just fine, and I needed to get home to my own grieving.
In the four years of her absence, I've grown to love her more than I ever let her know while she was here. I now realize what an angel she was in so many aspects of my existence. When someone tells me I look like her, it warms my heart. When someone tells me I have her heart, it warms my soul. And when the storms of winter rage and blanket this Earth with cold, wet snow, I know my Mom is still watching over me. I love you Mom!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Nature, the Greatest Equilizer of All
For Christmas, I got Tony the mini-series on National Parks that PBS ran. We’ve been watching them in the last couple of days as entertainment while we’ve been snowbound. Our country has such a large palette of beautiful landscapes.
In the summer of 2003, we took a three week trip out west and saw numerous national parks: SD – Mount Rushmore, Badlands, and Wind Cave; WY – Grand Teton and Yellowstone; UT – Arches, Bryce Canyon, and Zion; CA – Sequoia and Yosemite; and AZ – Grand Canyon. It was the trip of a lifetime. We saw so many wondrous sights.
Watching the mini-series brought back so many memories. It also made me realize that my reactions to the parks were similar to so many others that have also visited, lived in, and worked in them. I’m so glad that our nation saw fit to set aside these beautiful majesties for the citizens of the world to partake in.
The series pointed out the great debates that ensued over setting aside the lands – something I had not really considered before. Being of the generation that just enjoys these parks vs. being of the generation that fought for their existence makes me feel a bit unappreciative. I guess the same can be said of our nation as a whole. How many of us truly understand the great sacrifices made for the freedoms we take for granted each and every day?!
Nature has been a part of my life since birth. I thank my Dad for his outdoor adventuresome nature. I’ve always been a tomboy that has loved to be in the woods breathing unencumbered fresh air. It’s befitting that I now live in a log cabin nestled in the woods of a holler along the Blue Ridge Parkway, which itself is a national park. There is no grander experience than to sit on the front porch swing listening to the babbling creeks that border the house while the birds are singing their cheerful songs. Surely this is what Heaven will hold.
In the eyes of nature, we are each the same. It does not ask us our heritage, our financial status, our educational skills. It simply invites us in to experience the moment. It’s like sitting at a warm hearth at the foot of a grandparent’s rocker sharing the stories of our ancestors. It envelopes our souls and asks nothing in return.
Nature, the greatest equalizer of all.
In the summer of 2003, we took a three week trip out west and saw numerous national parks: SD – Mount Rushmore, Badlands, and Wind Cave; WY – Grand Teton and Yellowstone; UT – Arches, Bryce Canyon, and Zion; CA – Sequoia and Yosemite; and AZ – Grand Canyon. It was the trip of a lifetime. We saw so many wondrous sights.
Watching the mini-series brought back so many memories. It also made me realize that my reactions to the parks were similar to so many others that have also visited, lived in, and worked in them. I’m so glad that our nation saw fit to set aside these beautiful majesties for the citizens of the world to partake in.
The series pointed out the great debates that ensued over setting aside the lands – something I had not really considered before. Being of the generation that just enjoys these parks vs. being of the generation that fought for their existence makes me feel a bit unappreciative. I guess the same can be said of our nation as a whole. How many of us truly understand the great sacrifices made for the freedoms we take for granted each and every day?!
Nature has been a part of my life since birth. I thank my Dad for his outdoor adventuresome nature. I’ve always been a tomboy that has loved to be in the woods breathing unencumbered fresh air. It’s befitting that I now live in a log cabin nestled in the woods of a holler along the Blue Ridge Parkway, which itself is a national park. There is no grander experience than to sit on the front porch swing listening to the babbling creeks that border the house while the birds are singing their cheerful songs. Surely this is what Heaven will hold.
In the eyes of nature, we are each the same. It does not ask us our heritage, our financial status, our educational skills. It simply invites us in to experience the moment. It’s like sitting at a warm hearth at the foot of a grandparent’s rocker sharing the stories of our ancestors. It envelopes our souls and asks nothing in return.
Nature, the greatest equalizer of all.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Year in the rear view mirror
When I get to the end of the year, I always try and reflect, as do many of you. This year has had its mountains and valleys as has every other year of my life. I really try to take the good and the bad and learn from it all. My test is always "will I remember this event in a year, 5 years, 10 years". If it doesn't pass the test, then it's not worth spending cycles of energy on.
It's amazing just how much happens in our lives without us even being aware. All it takes is sitting down for a few minutes and trying to remember the details. If you look at each day in a vacuum, it doesn't seem like much. But accumulate them in a 365 day span, and shew at the memories! I'm realizing that I need to do a better job of reviewing in a more manageable chunk of time. That's what a journal is all about! I think that's what my New Year resolution needs to be this year. Have at least 12 journal entries this year documenting the lessons learned from each month. That sounds manageable!
I don't really like resolutions. For me, it only provides another measuring stick of which to beat myself up with when I don't fulfill them. But hey, isn't that what learning is all about?! Stand up, fall down, learn, and stand up again. It's amazing how in 43 years, I can still forget that the cycle is there for a reason!
The high level "good" from this year is as follows:
* Jennifer moved back East and we get to see her frequently.
* Cassidi traveled this year and expanded her horizons.
* Tony has become even more thoughtful and aware than he was previously through the sickness of his Mom.
* I have become a little more laid back and type B in my continuing journey of self awareness.
Life is good and continues to go on, and that's GREAT!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
It's amazing just how much happens in our lives without us even being aware. All it takes is sitting down for a few minutes and trying to remember the details. If you look at each day in a vacuum, it doesn't seem like much. But accumulate them in a 365 day span, and shew at the memories! I'm realizing that I need to do a better job of reviewing in a more manageable chunk of time. That's what a journal is all about! I think that's what my New Year resolution needs to be this year. Have at least 12 journal entries this year documenting the lessons learned from each month. That sounds manageable!
I don't really like resolutions. For me, it only provides another measuring stick of which to beat myself up with when I don't fulfill them. But hey, isn't that what learning is all about?! Stand up, fall down, learn, and stand up again. It's amazing how in 43 years, I can still forget that the cycle is there for a reason!
The high level "good" from this year is as follows:
* Jennifer moved back East and we get to see her frequently.
* Cassidi traveled this year and expanded her horizons.
* Tony has become even more thoughtful and aware than he was previously through the sickness of his Mom.
* I have become a little more laid back and type B in my continuing journey of self awareness.
Life is good and continues to go on, and that's GREAT!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Well, I was just looking at my posts and the dates of each. I haven't gotten much accomplished as far as my writing project for the summer. And summer is officially gone! Cassidi started school on Monday. Tomorrow will make a complete week of back to school. Amazing!! I have no idea where the summer went. But it sure happened.
I've started two stories, but haven't gotten back to either. Maybe one of these days I'll really get serious and dedicated to this effort. I have this terrible habit of wanting to tell one story, and getting sidetracked in others. My brain rambles on like this ALL the time it seems, not just in my writing. Jennifer sometimes refuses to have a conversation with me because I bounce around topics so much. But much to her dismay, I think she's gotten the bug a bit herself.
In the past few days I've had a feeling of great sadness. There are a lot of people sick or injured in my life and sometimes it just gets overwhelming to deal with emotionally. Just the other day Cass made the comment that life just didn't seam to make much sense. We go to school for a LONG time which is a fairly un-fun task, only to get a job that usually is an even more un-fun task. She struggled to see the point of it all. I tried to give her some pros related to it all. I don't know if I was very convincing.
But I do think in all of it, the real nugget to hold on to is the relationships. If we truly allow ourselves to feel and to give, we can build some quite fulfilling bonds. Of course, opening your heart creates vulnerability. But giving unconditionally makes the receiving that much more powerful. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I hit these lows.
I also try to encourage Cass to compliment others more. It's a lesson I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as well. I don't know why we value the giving of compliments so much. It doesn't cost us a single penny. But we are so selfish with them. I always turn the tables on her when we discuss this topic. I ask her to remember how special it makes her feel when someone compliments her. And what impact there was to the person giving the compliment. It usually makes her stop and think. I hope she takes those lessons with her in life and finally gets to the point where she can give unconditionally in the compliment department.
Just like the summer, this day is gone. I need to get some rest for a long day of work tomorrow. But for some reason, my mind is wandering and unsettled. Hopefully a good night's rest will cure that.
I've started two stories, but haven't gotten back to either. Maybe one of these days I'll really get serious and dedicated to this effort. I have this terrible habit of wanting to tell one story, and getting sidetracked in others. My brain rambles on like this ALL the time it seems, not just in my writing. Jennifer sometimes refuses to have a conversation with me because I bounce around topics so much. But much to her dismay, I think she's gotten the bug a bit herself.
In the past few days I've had a feeling of great sadness. There are a lot of people sick or injured in my life and sometimes it just gets overwhelming to deal with emotionally. Just the other day Cass made the comment that life just didn't seam to make much sense. We go to school for a LONG time which is a fairly un-fun task, only to get a job that usually is an even more un-fun task. She struggled to see the point of it all. I tried to give her some pros related to it all. I don't know if I was very convincing.
But I do think in all of it, the real nugget to hold on to is the relationships. If we truly allow ourselves to feel and to give, we can build some quite fulfilling bonds. Of course, opening your heart creates vulnerability. But giving unconditionally makes the receiving that much more powerful. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I hit these lows.
I also try to encourage Cass to compliment others more. It's a lesson I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as well. I don't know why we value the giving of compliments so much. It doesn't cost us a single penny. But we are so selfish with them. I always turn the tables on her when we discuss this topic. I ask her to remember how special it makes her feel when someone compliments her. And what impact there was to the person giving the compliment. It usually makes her stop and think. I hope she takes those lessons with her in life and finally gets to the point where she can give unconditionally in the compliment department.
Just like the summer, this day is gone. I need to get some rest for a long day of work tomorrow. But for some reason, my mind is wandering and unsettled. Hopefully a good night's rest will cure that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Strange summer
Strange doesn't even begin to cover it for this summer. Some of the strangeness has been welcomed, but some hasn't so much. But I guess when I look at the sum of it all, it's been a blessing in total.
Cassidi has been GONE the entire summer it seems. She got out of school on May 29th and has been on a trip or at a sports camp all but 5 or 6 days. This has meant I can sleep in, stay in lazy clothes the entire day, and not have to cook on the days I'm not working. It should have meant that I was productive with all my free time and came up with some wondrous idea of how to save the planet or something like that. Instead I've been a slug. Oh well. Maybe it's just been my body's way of recovering from the crazy school year. She comes home Sunday from a beach trip with a friend's family. We have a basketball and softball camp left before school starts back August 10th. One smart thing I did was do school shopping already. So, we won't have any last minute trips to a city to shop (probably my least favorite thing to do in the world!!).
The weather has been completely bizarre. The winter was a very cold and snowy one for a change. I enjoyed that. But then the spring and early summer were all about rain. I did NOT enjoy that. I'm a sun lover and when it's gloomy outside, I'm gloomy, too. Usually in the middle of July, it's sweltering hot and humid. Right now I'm laying with an afghan over me contemplating if I should turn on some heat. I know I live in the mountains, but this is kinda ridiculous. The crazy weather has me wondering just what in the world is going on with our planet. I'm afraid our planet is doomed in more ways than one. But I keep trying to be cheerful and find the smiles in each day willing it forward one day at a time.
The really sad part of this spring/summer has been all the illness around us. So many people are fighting cancer. It seems like every week we hear of yet someone else we know that is diagnosed. And if it's not cancer, it's something else life threatening. I even had a massage client die. He was very young (51) and developed pancreatitis. I had only worked on him twice, but the day he died, he was scheduled for an appointment. I had found out the day before that he was in the hospital, so I wasn't expecting him. But I was shocked to find he had passed away. When I worked in the crazy corporate world, the amount of stress I experienced and saw in others was awful. And now that I'm a massage therapist, I see much the same in the clients that grace my table. I'm glad I can help in a small way to alleviate some of that stress, but I know it's not enough. We have to find a way to stop all this disease. Sooner rather than later!!
Jennifer has decided that she's had enough of the wild west and wants to return to the East Coast. She just got a job in the north east corner of Virginia. She'll start September 21st. She'll be coming home for a short stay before officially settling in. We don't have all the details, but it's great news that she'll be closer to home. A 6 or 7 hour road trip to reach her is far better than a 30+ hour trip!
I watched some silly tv tonight and laughed. It felt so good! It made me really think about my laughter quotient. I really do not laugh enough in life. I need to start making more time to laugh!! Not just giggle or laugh for a minute. But really gut giggling laughter. Laugh till you cry laughter. Laugh until your sides hurt laughter. I'd say laugh until you pee your pants laughter, but that's way too messy. But hopefully you get the gist. I want to really let my body laugh. Happiness is a great medicine for the mind, body, and spirit. Now to find a source for all this laughter. That will most likely be a challenge. But AFV plays every day and YouTube seems to be a good source as well. I'm just going to have to get creative in finding humor.
With the crazy petting zoo of animals that we have at our house, I shouldn't have to look far. The dogs are always getting into things they shouldn't be. The new kitty has an abundance of energy and is driving everyone (human and animal) CRAZY! And watching the wild life out the window or off the porch is often entertaining. The squirrel playing on the bird feeder would make a great video for AFV. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I think to find sources. I think I just need to open my eyes more and allow myself to see the world around me. Gosh knows my husband and girls provide enough entertainment for 10 families. I just need to focus on the positives and wake up to them more, too.
So, here's to laughter - the best medicine in the world!!
Cassidi has been GONE the entire summer it seems. She got out of school on May 29th and has been on a trip or at a sports camp all but 5 or 6 days. This has meant I can sleep in, stay in lazy clothes the entire day, and not have to cook on the days I'm not working. It should have meant that I was productive with all my free time and came up with some wondrous idea of how to save the planet or something like that. Instead I've been a slug. Oh well. Maybe it's just been my body's way of recovering from the crazy school year. She comes home Sunday from a beach trip with a friend's family. We have a basketball and softball camp left before school starts back August 10th. One smart thing I did was do school shopping already. So, we won't have any last minute trips to a city to shop (probably my least favorite thing to do in the world!!).
The weather has been completely bizarre. The winter was a very cold and snowy one for a change. I enjoyed that. But then the spring and early summer were all about rain. I did NOT enjoy that. I'm a sun lover and when it's gloomy outside, I'm gloomy, too. Usually in the middle of July, it's sweltering hot and humid. Right now I'm laying with an afghan over me contemplating if I should turn on some heat. I know I live in the mountains, but this is kinda ridiculous. The crazy weather has me wondering just what in the world is going on with our planet. I'm afraid our planet is doomed in more ways than one. But I keep trying to be cheerful and find the smiles in each day willing it forward one day at a time.
The really sad part of this spring/summer has been all the illness around us. So many people are fighting cancer. It seems like every week we hear of yet someone else we know that is diagnosed. And if it's not cancer, it's something else life threatening. I even had a massage client die. He was very young (51) and developed pancreatitis. I had only worked on him twice, but the day he died, he was scheduled for an appointment. I had found out the day before that he was in the hospital, so I wasn't expecting him. But I was shocked to find he had passed away. When I worked in the crazy corporate world, the amount of stress I experienced and saw in others was awful. And now that I'm a massage therapist, I see much the same in the clients that grace my table. I'm glad I can help in a small way to alleviate some of that stress, but I know it's not enough. We have to find a way to stop all this disease. Sooner rather than later!!
Jennifer has decided that she's had enough of the wild west and wants to return to the East Coast. She just got a job in the north east corner of Virginia. She'll start September 21st. She'll be coming home for a short stay before officially settling in. We don't have all the details, but it's great news that she'll be closer to home. A 6 or 7 hour road trip to reach her is far better than a 30+ hour trip!
I watched some silly tv tonight and laughed. It felt so good! It made me really think about my laughter quotient. I really do not laugh enough in life. I need to start making more time to laugh!! Not just giggle or laugh for a minute. But really gut giggling laughter. Laugh till you cry laughter. Laugh until your sides hurt laughter. I'd say laugh until you pee your pants laughter, but that's way too messy. But hopefully you get the gist. I want to really let my body laugh. Happiness is a great medicine for the mind, body, and spirit. Now to find a source for all this laughter. That will most likely be a challenge. But AFV plays every day and YouTube seems to be a good source as well. I'm just going to have to get creative in finding humor.
With the crazy petting zoo of animals that we have at our house, I shouldn't have to look far. The dogs are always getting into things they shouldn't be. The new kitty has an abundance of energy and is driving everyone (human and animal) CRAZY! And watching the wild life out the window or off the porch is often entertaining. The squirrel playing on the bird feeder would make a great video for AFV. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I think to find sources. I think I just need to open my eyes more and allow myself to see the world around me. Gosh knows my husband and girls provide enough entertainment for 10 families. I just need to focus on the positives and wake up to them more, too.
So, here's to laughter - the best medicine in the world!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Shew...
I've been a terrible blogger of late. I don't know, I think I got myself in a stalemate thinking of the 3 posts I did make and contemplating which to pursue. Meanwhile, that meant I wasn't writing. And DUH! That was the whole point of this blog. To practice writing. So, as usual, mind took over matter and thus no blogs.
So, tonight, I'm just going to ramble. Just get some thoughts out of my head that need to be put onto paper (or in blogging lingo - cyberville).
Anyway, I'm getting REALLY pissed off at cancer. It seems at ever corner, there's yet another person in my life facing this deadly disease. A good friend from high school was really the first bout. We lost the father of a good friend from high school next. Tony has a good friend from work fighting it. And then it struck far too close to home - Tony's Mom. And from there, it just seems to continually pepper our friend base far and near. I found out last night a dear friend, our next door neighbor in Charlotte, has colon cancer. Fortunately they did surgery today and it appears to be contained. But we'll just have to see how that progresses.
All this disease is epidemic. We really need to figure out what's causing all of this and fix it. I have some theories and at times, feel like a "conspiracy theory" freak!! But my belief is that all the out gassing from plastics is the culprit. For those of you unfamiliar with out gassing, it's the release of toxins (chemicals that make plastic) when it is heated or cooled. Out gassing, combined with the amount of stress in today's crazy society of "I want more and work like a mad person to get it", the hormones they're putting in meat, and the pesticides they're using on fruit and vegetables is leading to CANCER. Our immune systems are weakened by the stress and all these pollutants are praying upon our bodies and activating the cancer that lives within each of us. I really do feel the FDA knows there are issues with all the plastic coming into contact with our food and water supplies. But they are doing NOTHING about it!! And worse yet, they continue to approve the use of plastic containers for food.
So, here's my soap box. Out gassing occurs when you heat plastic as well as when you freeze it. Having said that, think of all the uses of plastic for both heating and cooling things. The plumbing today is all plastic (hot/cold water we drink and bath in). The air ducts in our homes and cars are all plastic (heat/air conditioning). Nearly everything from a food perspective comes in plastic. But the worst are those that tell you to leave it in the packaging to microwave it!! And bottled water. UGH! Don't ever drink a bottle of water left in your car that gets heated from the sun!! It's practically poison!! Then think of all the plastic containers we use. We cook food and while it's still warm, we put it in a plastic container - only to follow that by putting it in the fridge or freezer!! Double whammy!!! Then we heat it up again in the dishwasher or sink while cleaning it. Those toxins go down our drain, into the soil, and pollutes our water supply. Plastic is EVERYWHERE!! Nearly impossible for us to remove from our lives.
Sounds like a defeatist, huh?! Not at all! My proposal is to do what you can to limit it's use as much as possible. Get rid of all the plastic in your kitchen. I know, I know. It's convenient, it costs less, it's easier to store, etc., etc., etc. But tell me that when you or a loved one are faced with this gosh awful disease and are paying dearly with your/their life!! I don't mean to be harsh here, but that's how we need to start looking at this! Plastic is the enemy. And I know there are different grades of it and some that are supposed to be "good". But my take is that any plastic is a source of out gassing. Next, limit plastic wrap and baggies as much as possible. The best thing is to only cook what you're going to eat. But we always have leftovers no matter what it seems. So, put it in a glass container with aluminum foil on top. Also, get a metal or glass container for your drinking water to go in the car. Get creative!! Review your life and see where all plastic intercedes it. Then see if you can't create some kind of alternative to remove it.
So, sorry again if I sound cold and heartless. No, not all cancer is caused by what I've blabbered on about here. There are various causes of cancer and many times nothing we can do will prevent it from developing in our bodies. For all of you cancer survivors out there reading this, or for those of you that have lost someone to cancer, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having to face this awful disease. None of what I'm saying here is meant to attack you or your habits. I just want to try to get folks thinking so they can minimize the risks.
Well, that's enough rambling for tonight. My prayers are filled every night with all those struggling against this monster. I pray for those ill, but also all the family and friends that are having to experience it with them. I also pray that we'll figure this monster out and find a way to defeat it once and for all.
So, tonight, I'm just going to ramble. Just get some thoughts out of my head that need to be put onto paper (or in blogging lingo - cyberville).
Anyway, I'm getting REALLY pissed off at cancer. It seems at ever corner, there's yet another person in my life facing this deadly disease. A good friend from high school was really the first bout. We lost the father of a good friend from high school next. Tony has a good friend from work fighting it. And then it struck far too close to home - Tony's Mom. And from there, it just seems to continually pepper our friend base far and near. I found out last night a dear friend, our next door neighbor in Charlotte, has colon cancer. Fortunately they did surgery today and it appears to be contained. But we'll just have to see how that progresses.
All this disease is epidemic. We really need to figure out what's causing all of this and fix it. I have some theories and at times, feel like a "conspiracy theory" freak!! But my belief is that all the out gassing from plastics is the culprit. For those of you unfamiliar with out gassing, it's the release of toxins (chemicals that make plastic) when it is heated or cooled. Out gassing, combined with the amount of stress in today's crazy society of "I want more and work like a mad person to get it", the hormones they're putting in meat, and the pesticides they're using on fruit and vegetables is leading to CANCER. Our immune systems are weakened by the stress and all these pollutants are praying upon our bodies and activating the cancer that lives within each of us. I really do feel the FDA knows there are issues with all the plastic coming into contact with our food and water supplies. But they are doing NOTHING about it!! And worse yet, they continue to approve the use of plastic containers for food.
So, here's my soap box. Out gassing occurs when you heat plastic as well as when you freeze it. Having said that, think of all the uses of plastic for both heating and cooling things. The plumbing today is all plastic (hot/cold water we drink and bath in). The air ducts in our homes and cars are all plastic (heat/air conditioning). Nearly everything from a food perspective comes in plastic. But the worst are those that tell you to leave it in the packaging to microwave it!! And bottled water. UGH! Don't ever drink a bottle of water left in your car that gets heated from the sun!! It's practically poison!! Then think of all the plastic containers we use. We cook food and while it's still warm, we put it in a plastic container - only to follow that by putting it in the fridge or freezer!! Double whammy!!! Then we heat it up again in the dishwasher or sink while cleaning it. Those toxins go down our drain, into the soil, and pollutes our water supply. Plastic is EVERYWHERE!! Nearly impossible for us to remove from our lives.
Sounds like a defeatist, huh?! Not at all! My proposal is to do what you can to limit it's use as much as possible. Get rid of all the plastic in your kitchen. I know, I know. It's convenient, it costs less, it's easier to store, etc., etc., etc. But tell me that when you or a loved one are faced with this gosh awful disease and are paying dearly with your/their life!! I don't mean to be harsh here, but that's how we need to start looking at this! Plastic is the enemy. And I know there are different grades of it and some that are supposed to be "good". But my take is that any plastic is a source of out gassing. Next, limit plastic wrap and baggies as much as possible. The best thing is to only cook what you're going to eat. But we always have leftovers no matter what it seems. So, put it in a glass container with aluminum foil on top. Also, get a metal or glass container for your drinking water to go in the car. Get creative!! Review your life and see where all plastic intercedes it. Then see if you can't create some kind of alternative to remove it.
So, sorry again if I sound cold and heartless. No, not all cancer is caused by what I've blabbered on about here. There are various causes of cancer and many times nothing we can do will prevent it from developing in our bodies. For all of you cancer survivors out there reading this, or for those of you that have lost someone to cancer, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having to face this awful disease. None of what I'm saying here is meant to attack you or your habits. I just want to try to get folks thinking so they can minimize the risks.
Well, that's enough rambling for tonight. My prayers are filled every night with all those struggling against this monster. I pray for those ill, but also all the family and friends that are having to experience it with them. I also pray that we'll figure this monster out and find a way to defeat it once and for all.
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