Reverence

On February 16th, we lost Tony's Mom to cancer. She was diagnosed nearly four years ago with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. She underwent a year of treatments and they got her into remission. She never regained her full strength, but that was all relative. The energizer bunny at half speed still outdoes the rest of us, and she gave that bunny a run for his money.

In early December she started losing strength. She then started having muscles cramping. She decided to have blood work drawn and got 9 flags. She didn't alert the doctors at UVA just yet. She had a mission in mind.

The last few Christmases we have spent at Andy's house that is just up the road from Jay and Eleanor. This year she wanted to host it back at their place. She fussed and refused to change her mind. We tried to get her to let us just bring all the food in. She let us do everything but the turkey. She handled that. Oh, and don't forget all the cleaning and preparations of having all of us there. The house was decorated and she put her tree up with ornaments again.

While we were there, Eleanor disappeared after we opened our gifts. I got to looking for her and it turned out she was soaking in warm water, because her legs were cramping so badly. She eventually got out and it was time for us to leave. She was mostly bent over the counter in pain. It was a sad sight, and we were all frustrated with her for pushing herself to such an extreme.

Afterward, we talked and she was talking about next Christmas. I told her we had 360+ days to mull that over, and we could cross that bridge when we got to it. She agreed, and we changed the subject. I thought it was odd that she so willingly moved on, but I never let on. Eleanor was tenacious when it came to getting what she wanted, so I took it as a victory I could sidetrack her.

Another surprise that came while we were there was when she wanted to participate in the picture taking that we did. Anyone that knows Eleanor knows that when a camera comes out she hides. But at Christmas, she not only let us take her picture, she told us which ones she wanted together. Again, we were all enjoying her new found agreeability and didn't question it for fear of her changing her mind.

All the while, I was kind of patting myself on the back. This past summer, we celebrated Jay's 70th birthday at our house. I decided the best way to get her to participate in our picture taking was by excluding her. I invited over each family and got their picture on the swing. I invited Jay over to join in. Finally, when I needed her in the pictures, I sent Jennifer over to tell her Grandma she'd really like to have some pictures with her. It worked! So, I thought maybe that was fresh in her mind, and she was bound not to be excluded this time. And not only that, she was going to call the shots this time - just to show me who was boss.

But now that we look back on the events of the last two months, we know the real reason for her change in perspective. We think she knew she was sick again in early December. She wanted to have one last Christmas at Grandma's for her grandchildren. And she wanted it documented. She didn't want anyone to forget it.

On January 3rd she went back to the doctor in Richlands. On the 4th the doctors at UVA confirmed that the cancer was back. She started treatments on January 7th. They seemed to be going along well. She was released to pathway within the first 5 days which seemed like a good omen. Her energy was waning, but that was to be expected.

But through it all, she never really felt like she was going to ever make it home this time. Some say your perspective dictates the outcome when it comes to terminal illnesses. But there is also something about knowing your body and gut instincts. I think she felt like she had dodged the bullet the first time. She didn't feel as lucky this go round.

Right when she finished the treatments and was in the wait to see how it works phase, she contracted an infection that put her in ICU. From there, it was all downhill. We tried to remain positive. We held on to every hope that she would recover. But it just wasn't meant to be.

A spinal tap showed that the treatments did not work. The chemo had damaged nerves in her throat. She couldn't swallow or talk above a whisper. She had to have a feeding tube to take in nutrition. Once they told her the news, she had that removed and the antibiotics they were giving her for the infection discontinued. From there it was only a matter of time.

But in the time she had remaining, she made the most of it. Always one to plan and organize, she gave us instructions for her service. She told us who, what, where, when, and how. We didn't have to guess at a thing. It made preparations so simple, and we didn't have to wonder if she'd like it. Simple, but not easy. No matter how matter of fact she was, the hurt in our hearts was ever present.

The family all gathered, and we said our goodbyes. She got to see every son, grandchild, brother, sister, and daughter-in-law. She even got bonus sister-in-law, niece, and nephew visits. Through it all, she stayed strong. She kept us laughing to ease our pain right to the very end.

We know she is resting and at peace. We know she is in a place where there is no cancer. That she has joined the many loved ones that have gone before her. We know one day we will join her. Until then we will have reverence of her memory and carry the torch of love of family that she passed on to us. We miss you Eleanor McCann, but know you are now our guardian angel watching over us. Thank you for loving us.